I just packed everything in the hour before I have to head out. Even if it was a little stressful, it was still better than sitting around waiting to go. Au revoir until October 10th! 09*28*08 I'm just waiting around my place before I head out to the last night of a comedy festival at a venue that just opened up 3 blocks from me. I went last night as well. I like the space, but I've seen all the acts before and it was kind of disappointing to see them re-use some material. Nonetheless, some comedians still had me in tears. My favorite was Arj Barker who made a bunch of jokes about how the subway sucks. For instance: C train? Nope! A train? A train would be nice. G train? Gee, where is the train? F train? Where the F is the train?! Ha...I guess it loses something when typed out. Also, I got a free fake pass for the comedy festival that says V.U.P. (very unimportant person). I cleaned my apartment like a maniac today and ran some errands. I had to cancel on attending my friend's baby shower because I felt overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I had to get done before I leave. I felt bad about it, but at least I already mailed her a present a while ago. When I get home from work tomorrow I'll try to pack most of my stuff before heading off to see Miss Kittin. I have a bunch of time to kill Tuesday after work since my plane takes off after 9, so I may just pack then. I hate having time to kill before a flight. I make myself nervous. Otherwise I'm not doing super fantastic emotionally. Patrick and I are falling back into familiar patterns but without doing the relationship thing. Basically it's a quick fix to trying not to feel so crappy about everything...meanwhile it creates a whole load of other crap to deal with emotionally. This probably won't turn out well, but as Jerri Blank would say, "I've chosen to make a mistake." Perhaps saving up for school will have to take second banana to going back to therapy. Just gotta find a better therapist this time around; preferably one who doesn't fall asleep or fart during sessions. 09*22*08 Oy vey. I have a lot of studying to do the next couple of weeks. I still have to figure out when I have time to study for the GREs. If I want to apply to Columbia, I have to take it by the end of October. The information session I went to at Columbia on Friday was interesting. The program runs 2.5 years full time and costs about $131,000. Not to mention whatever additional money one would need to take out in loans to live off of since working during that time is pretty much an impossibility. Good thing I'm a millionaire. I'm feeling VERY PMS-y today. Now that I'm home, I'm winding down a bit thankfully. I felt extremely grouchy the rest of the day. I definitely need a vacation. Oh, hey, look at that...I'm going on vacation next week! What a coincidence. I had a pretty good weekend. I went out drinking with Jamin and Christina Friday night, had class most of Saturday (the highlight of my weekend!), stayed up late watching some pretty funny movies, went to Ikea on Sunday and got some new clothes afterwards. I know that doesn't necessarily sound like I had fun, but I did. I'm leaving things out which I don't care to discuss at this time, but am nice enough to taunt my few readers with the knowledge of missing information. 09*17*08 Hackers broke into Sarah Palin's e-mail account!?!? That is the most hilarious thing I've heard almost this entire election. I hope they find something juicy which further proves how awful she is, and proceed to spread it all over the internet. I think that just goes to show you how dumb this lady is to use a Yahoo e-mail account. We're supposed to put our nation's security in her hands and she can't even think to use a government protected e-mail account? Her and McCain are both imbeciles when it comes to computers it seems. I don't trust anyone who can't properly use a computer! Well, maybe that's not entirely true; if that person happens to be the next potential president of the USA however, then it's true. I know my last entry was somewhat cryptic, but basically I thought it would be a good idea for my ex to get some things off his chest to me over the weekend. Unfortunately I didn't take into account that it would hurt to hear those things. We talked it over though and I'm feeling much better. We agreed that we have a really good connection, but we're just both not in a place to make it work. We've tried so many times already. The entry was also about a certain friend I'm not talking to currently. I can't say our friendship is entirely over just yet, but I think that's probably the route it's headed. I'm not happy about it, but I also don't see many other options (at least none I care to consider). A new venue, The Bell House, is opening a few blocks from me tomorrow night. I think I'm gonna check it out since they're having a free show. Gowanus will soon be the next "it" neighborhood, I can feel it. Even ask the hooker I live next door to. I have tickets to see two nights of a comedy festival at The Bell House the last weekend of September as well. The night before I leave for France I'm going to see Miss Kittin and the Hacker, which I'm very excited about. I also have some Anatomy and Biochemistry tests I have to find time to study for, and a baby shower to go to. I took off of work this Friday to attend a nursing information session at Columbia University. Free breakfast! I just wish I could sleep later. My old boss is having a cornea transplant the same day I leave for France. If I wasn't leaving, I'd take the day off so I could watch. I guess the next best thing I can do it try my best to get him a cornea. Who knew one day his vision would be in my hands? Well, my hands and the surgeon's I guess. 09*15*08 As usual, in times of economic crises my one concern is how much more I'm going to have to pay when I go to Europe. I have my priorities in order. So far the Euro is still about ten cents less than when I went to Italy last year. Keep your fingers crossed! What I really want to write about probably won't make it onto this site anytime soon, if at all. I'm not in the highest of spirits and nothing makes sense to me right now. I don't know why it's so important for me to pinpoint the exact moment the seed was planted in my head that made my composure collapse in regards to my relationship recovery. Perhaps it's the scientist in me. Whatever caused it, it's not quite going away. I do know that a few people have been playing the blame game on me and it's not exactly doing wonders for my self-esteem. I'm okay to take partial responsibility I suppose, but I can't handle the whole thing; after all, I'm not the only guilty party. I can't dwell on things I can't change now anyway. I can only try to learn from my mistakes and try not to repeat them. And I am earnestly striving to do that. Contrary to what some may believe, it's not easy to change a 27-year-old personality trait. It's not impossible, but it's not going to happen overnight either. I'm doing what I can. I just can't beat myself up over it anymore, nor can I let others. My co-worker had a dream last night that I was six months pregnant and I was telling her I was worried because I couldn't feel the baby move. The thing that's really weird is I'm almost certain I had the same dream about myself a few months back. Maybe it's an omen I'm going to miscarry my first child. Well, I hope that's not the case...unless it's Satan's spawn. 09*12*08 Where is my mind? I just walked out my door and shut it to go pick up my laundry. The minute it shut I realized I left my keys inside. A neighbor was coming down the stairs at the same time and I told her what I had just done. She was really sweet and let me use her phone to call our landlord. She then ran downstairs to throw the garbage bag out that she had in her hand, and I put my hand in my pocket and realized I had my keys after all. I felt pretty stupid. At least she made me feel better about being such a flake. And most importantly I have clean clothes now! I think it's a condition that if I ride my bike to work when there's a small chance of rain, it's going to rain...like today. There were numerous other days with the same weather forecast which I didn't ride my bike and those days turned out to be gorgeous. Stupid rain. We've been really busy at the eye bank lately. We're a tad short-staffed and the new guy we hired last week already quit the beginning of this week because he couldn't handle the dead bodies. That is the sort of thing you can't really avoid, so I guess it's better he left now. I've made a decent amount of money from all the donors, but I'm also a little worn out. Tomorrow after class I'm meeting up with Alex and two of my other college buddies, Lynn and Maria, at the San Gennaro festival in Little Italy. I guess it's a rain or shine sorta thing. I just wanna have a few drinks with the girls. I personally don't like Little Italy. I also have an on-call shift later that night so I can't drink a crazy amount or stay out too late. Actually, I guess if I start drinking right away I can drink somewhat crazily and I should be good to go by midnight. Eh, who am I kidding? I'm a lightweight. I've booked my France hotels for every night except one. Here's what the plan is: arrive in Paris Wednesday morning, explore Paris and Versailles until Friday night, head to Blois in the Loire Valley Saturday morning and rent a bicycle to explore the surrounding castles, take a train on Sunday to Tours (also in the Loire Valley) and explore another castle my high school French teacher told me about, on Monday I will rent a bicycle and ride as far as I can for the next two days. I have no idea how much I can ride, so that's why I can't really book a hotel for that night. The route is supposed to be really gorgeous though; I can't wait. I'll return to Paris sometime on Tuesday and stay there until I leave Thursday afternoon. I'm still feeling a little down about what I last mentioned. I've been thinking about it and I've come to the conclusion that what makes me the saddest is the fact that I'm just now realizing how much I meant to my ex. I've been under the assumption for the last two months that he just didn't care about us breaking up. I left the relationship feeling somewhat resentful and his indifference to the end somewhat fueled that for me and helped me to move on quickly. He told me the other day that he didn't want to talk to me because he had a lot of anger. In some ways I would have welcomed a fight at the end; I think two years is worth a fight. I can't say that it would have made a difference in the overall outcome, but at least he'd have said what he really wanted and I wouldn't have left the relationship feeling like I wasn't cared about. Perhaps we'd have a little more closure is what I guess I'm getting at. Although, I really have no idea if all that is true. Maybe it would have made things worse, who knows? In lighter news, I bought those boots online today that I fell in love with last weekend. My good friend Steve Madden emailed me a 20% off coupon. It's a good thing too because I was wearing my old boots in the rain just before and part of the left heel got left behind. Oh, I forgot to mention that Jaclyn told me last weekend that I look somewhat like Sarah Palin. Everyone else I've asked doesn't see the resemblance. Aside from us both having a baby with Down's Syndrome, the similarity stops there. 09*09*08 Dear Emily, be careful what you wish for. I got that reaction I had wanted (well, not really the one I had wanted, but a reaction nonetheless) from the person in question from my last entry. I feel pretty fucking awful about how I went about getting it, and just shitty now that I know he is in fact upset about things. Did I really need to know that? No. I feel like a real asshole. I even got a reaction from someone who has nothing to do with the situation and now we're not speaking. I'm not going to really get into it because I have absolutely nothing nice to say about it and I'm sure that will lead to a whole other shit storm. Writing on this site has a lot more consequences now than it did when I first started doing it. Stupid adulthood. Anyway, I apologized to my ex and tried to undo as much as I could to make it better. I doubt I've completely succeeded, but at least we left it civil. We both just need to keep doing what we've been doing: not talking to each other. I do sincerely hope that one day we can be friends though because he's a good person and I enjoy his company. So that double-edged sword is now prodding me from the other tip; now that we've communicated I feel sad about everything whereas I was moving on very well prior to that. I guess I just need a few days or so to recuperate emotionally. I've realized that this journal is kind of a joke as far as writing how I'm really feeling though. If write what I'm really thinking and feeling, I do have to pay for it one way or the other. I can't even write about how I really feel when I go out on dates because I'm afraid they've already found my site. What I really wanted to say about the kiss I had last week was that it was terrible and one of the major reasons I cancelled our date Sunday was to avoid another one. But that's mean and I wouldn't want him to read that. It's also the truth though. He was really nice however and I did have a good time albeit the aforementioned. Ugh I don't know. Can I go to France now? 09*07*08 I was supposed to have a second date tonight with my date from Tuesday night. However, after I had enough time to think it over I decided I just wasn't feeling "it". I felt like there were too many things I was already convincing myself I could compromise on. I have a habit of doing that. I already did it for the last two years, so I should probably try to stop. Accept nothing less than perfect! Just kiddin'. But one needs to feel a connection at least. I haven't had a really good kiss in a while. It sucks. I was thinking about this the other day, and then I got to thinking about the best kiss I ever had. It's actually rather odd, but it was some bisexual married guy I met at a bar with my friend Carlos in 2005. We met both the guy and a woman we thought was his friend and struck up a conversation with them. I thought the guy was gay and wasn't particularly attracted to him. As the night went on, Carlos and I learned that they were in fact married but in an open relationship, and the guy swung both ways. He seemed pretty interested in me and I was drinking a lot, so one thing led to another and we ended up kissing. It was amazing; I could have stayed lip-locked with him all night. But then the realization that his wife was there and I was seeing someone came to mind, and the guilt sort of ruined it for me. I never wrote about it back when it happened because I didn't want to upset the jerk I was dating. He wasn't committed to me at the time anyway, so it didn't really matter. Carlos told me the guy's wife walked away when he started kissing me. I guess no matter how "open" your relationship is, that doesn't necessarily mean you want to see your significant other with someone else. People always ask me if I have spoken to my ex since the break up. The answer is no. Not one itty bitty form of communication since the day after we broke up when I went to his place so we could exchange things. So basically two months. It's hard to say how I feel about that. In many ways it's a double-edged sword. On one hand not talking with him has made this break-up a lot easier on me and it's been easier to transition into a life without him. Those are both very good things as I've had a lot of trouble with that in the past with both our relationship and others. So I'm very grateful for that. On the other hand, it's kind of shitty he didn't try to get in touch with me at all. I know I could have done it, but after being the one who caved when we broke up in March and basically held his hand through getting me back, it hardly seems fair for me to be the one to breach the silence in an offering of friendship now. In any case, it says a lot to me about him that he hasn't done anything and validates the break up for me that much more. I know that's semi-contradictory, but that's exactly how I feel about it. He didn't try and stop the break up and didn't seem very upset when it happened, so it turned out to be the right thing for all involved. My weekend wasn't all that exciting. Friday night I bummed around my apartment, Saturday I had class from 9 AM to 4 PM (awesome!). When I returned home, I had to leave right away to meet Brook at the Park Slope Co-Op to obtain ingredients to make a German chocolate cake with her and Jaclyn. It took hours and I think of the three of us I was the only one to screw it up, but it tasted pretty good in the end. Today I slept super late, went shopping on Broadway, fell in love with a pair of boots, sat in Prospect Park for a little bit, and I just finished watching They Live. Not much planned for the rest of the week. School tomorrow and Wednesday, riding my bike to work and back as usual. I lost two pounds, but I think I gained it back this weekend. I almost have my France trip worked out. Almost! Ok, time to vacuum up the cat hair. 09*03*08 I got out of Microbiology class early tonight. My professor told me my bacteria stains were beautiful. No one's ever told me that before. I feel oddly happy about it. So Mr. UK never followed through with the second date we were supposed to have. I can't say I wasn't a little disappointed. It was my first date in two years so it was a tiny bit of a blow to the ego. I didn't think he was particularly exciting, but I didn't think a bike ride was a very good way to get to know someone either. I thought a second date would be a better way to test the waters. He said we should get together before we parted, and he followed up his words with an e-mail telling me to pick a restaurant. Then he never wrote back once I had an idea. I've actually done the same exact thing before, but I was 25--he is 35. I guess I expected a little more. I hung out with my co-worker Aisela on Saturday and she tried to set me up with one of her and her boyfriend's friends. I don't know why she thought we'd be a good match; he was a total guido. He was nice enough I guess, just not at all my type. Ew and he tried to play footsie with me under the table after we finished dinner. I was semi-horrified. I had another date last night. We went to see The Thing at BAM Theater. It's one of my top horror movies so I was pretty excited to see it. Plus my date had never seen it, so I was equally as excited for him to see it. He really liked it, which was a good sign. We went to a bar in Park Slope afterwards and talked for hours. Then he walked me all the way home. I'm not one to kiss and tell, but, well, he kissed me...and I'm telling. I had a good time. I'm just not really sure what I want out of all this. I don't know if I want another relationship right now, and I still don't know how difficult my course load is going to be this semester. I think for now I just won't think about these things and live in the moment. Otherwise I had two on-call shifts over the weekend, but only had to come in on my Monday shift. It sucked to work for 9 hours straight, but the $650 I made for doing it was pretty cool. Sunday I rode my bike around to various places in Brooklyn; bought some jewelry, got some good coffee, ran some errands, and went grocery shopping. I finished the night off by watching a guitarist perform at a local bar. I've seen him and his band play a bunch of times already, but I'm always impressed every time. That night I was particularly impressed with the second guitarist he had. I sat up front and thought I was doing a good job of seducing him with my glances. That's what wine does! I still have to plan my trip to France. I don't think I've ever waited so long to book a hotel. Less than a month to go! It doesn't even feel real yet. Hopefully tomorrow night I can get that all squared away. Although, I did say the same thing last weekend :(
This girl is a nerd, get me outta here |