10*31*05 Ok, so here are the pictures:
I was Regan from The Exorcist. The first picture of me is from Saturday night. I didn't do the makeup so great that night. But all the rest of the pictures of me are from last night when I think I did a much better job. I doubt I'll go out again tonight. I already didn't go to work today. I suppose I'd go out if I could find something to do that started a little earlier. I do love wearing this costume! At least three groups of people screamed when they saw me last night. I'm sure it was in fun, but it was nice to get recognition for my work all the same. 10*30*05 So my costume turned out pretty good. People got so excited when they were able to guess who I was. I ended up meeting Amanda at Otto's Shrunken Head for their annual Halloween monster bash. I went last year and had a blast, but last night was pretty mediocre in comparison, so we didn't end up staying too long. On our way back to Union Square, we stopped in a deli so Amanda could get a drink. I was waiting for her by the register when all of a sudden I heard "In Your Eyes" playing behind me. I turned around to find a guy dressed like Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything holding up a boom box blasting Peter Gabriel. It was fucking awesome. I got his picture when we went outside. I'll post it later this week. Since my costume was somewhat of a success, I've decided to give it another go tonight at Bar 13's costume party. JR is DJing and a few of my other friends are going as well. Should be good times. I may even have to call out of work tomorrow. Halloween is serious business! 10*29*05 My head is pounding. I said that out loud before I typed it. Anyway, last night was fun. I got surprisingly drunk on just three drinks. I'm guessing it had something to do with only having a piece of mini-pita bread and a pear for dinner. I loved DJing for the first half of the night. Everything went pretty smoothly for the most part. JR took over at some point, and then I reclaimed the table once more for a short while. I realized pretty quickly the second time around that no one was going to dance to anything obscure I played, which was pretty much all I had with me. So I had to fish around my iPod for better-known songs I thought would please the masses, but that I didn't really want to play. And even then, they still didn't dance. Lame. I told the guy I had a date with a few weeks ago whom I told previously I wasn't ready to date (did you follow that?) that I would be DJing last night, and he should stop by. He showed up, but I couldn't really talk with him while I was DJing, and i found myself not really interested in talking with him when I wasn't. I've come to the conclusion that it's not a matter of me not being ready to date, but rather not wanting to date this particular person. And I feel kind of bad about it because he's really nice. Then again, they all are at first. I felt even worse because I kind of lied and told him I was acting weird towards him because my ex was there. The second part was true--Gavin (my ex from last year) did happen to show up, which I thought was a peculiar coincidence. We exchanged a wave and nothing more. I honestly really didn't care about his presence, but at the time he seemed like the easiest excuse to explain my vexation towards the guy who liked me. Now that I'm thinking with a hungover but sober mind, I see the situation for what it really was. I have to go into the city to buy the rest of my Halloween costume today. I suddenly find myself with five Halloween options for tonight, one for tomorrow night and one for Monday night. Whether I make plans to wear my costume after tonight will rest strictly on how good it turns out. Keep your eye out for pictures later this week. And speaking of eyes, I cut a woman's corneas out in front of 10 pathologists yesterday. 10*26*05 I was told a few weeks ago that I need only to say when if I wanted to DJ with my friend JR. So, I will be DJing this Friday night at a Manhattan bar called Black & White on 10th Street between 4th and 3rd Avenues. It's one of those places that are too cool to have the name on the outside, but you can recognize it from the black and white-striped awning. I should be there from 10:30 until some un-godly hour. I have been meticulously selecting songs I'd like to play all week, and I truly believe my playlist will leave people with no other option but to dance; whether it be because the powerful beats I'll be providing will fill them with an overwhelming urge to do so, or because I'll be physically dragging their lame asses on the "dance" floor. Also, this will give some of you an opportunity to stalk me at a closer range, but in a crowded-enough room for me to still feel safe. On a side note, I haven't had a donor in a while. I don't think people are dying any less. Perhaps people are just getting stingier about donation. After I cancelled a corneal surgery with a doctor on Tuesday due to lack of corneal supply, he commented that he would have to go out and kill someone for us. I suppose that's one way you could do it, but who's to say the family would consent to donation even then? All I'm saying is if you don't need your eyes, like say if you're dead, or just don't really use them that much while alive, maybe you should give them to us. 10*23*05 While reading Anna Kerenina last week, I came across what I felt was an apt passage given the recent events that have transpired in my life. Anna's husband, Karenin, had just been told by his wife that she is in love with another man. While having been tormented by suspicions beforehand, he has the following revelation: He felt like a man who has just had his tooth drawn which has been hurting him a long time. After terrible pain and a sensation as if something enormous, bigger than his whole head, were being pulled out of his jaw, he feels, scarcely believing in his happiness, that the thing which has so long been poisoning his life and engrossing his attention no longer exists, and that it is possible again to live, think, and be interested in other things. What Karenin experienced was a feeling of this kind: it had been a strange and terrible pain, but it was past, and he felt he could again live, and think of other things beside his wife. While I was no where near as elated as Karenin to learn the truth about Chad, I do share similar sentiments and took comfort in reading this passage repeatedly. 10*22*05 Ha, this video is pretty hilarious. You're gonna need windows media player to watch it. I spotted some MisShapes pictures in it. 10*21*05 While just walking home from the subway station, I couldn't help notice the fact that the man walking next to me was wearing flip flops. I thought, "I would never date you." I know--I'm a snob. We walked past the Italian restaurant no one ever goes to and he asked me if I'd ever been there. I told him I walked in once and walked back out, and I was convinced it was owned by the mafia because it doesn't have any windows. He laughed and made further small talk with me. We then got to my new favorite part in any conversation: telling people what I do for a living. He thought my job was pretty neat. We arrived at the intersection where we were to part, and he said we should check out that Italian place and then wrote his number on my hand. So I actually think I'll be going on a date with a guy who wears flip flops in October. We'll see. I'm going out tonight and meeting up with a bunch of people I know. I'm so excited; I even switched my on-call shift to tomorrow night to go. Guess I'll go wash my palm to kill time. 10*18*05 The Chad situation has had a huge snowball effect; for every truth I continue to learn about him, it makes about 30 other things he's said or done contradictory, hypocritical and/or blatant lies. It's unending. I learned on Sunday that he has been in love with an internet "friend" in China since before we even met. I don't feel like getting into the details because the drama involved is exhausting, but it makes all the things he's ever told me about wanting to make our relationship work lies as well. The whole thing makes me sick. But anyway, his friends have been really great to me throughout all of this, and that's been so helpful for me. While admitting to the infidelity while I was in France, Chad maintains that the rest is some huge conspiracy. But I don't see what reason his friends have to lie to me. In other non-soap opera-esque matters, I dropped off a pair of eyes in a cooler to Fed Ex today. It had a big sticker on the side reading "HUMAN EYES". When I handed it to the man at the counter he said, "Here's looking at you, kid." I laughed about it for a block. I keep telling my boss we should have I Only Have Eyes For You play on the phone when we put people on hold. For some reason he didn't think that was a good idea. 10*16*05 I can honestly say I have never felt what I feel right now, therefore I can't even come up with the proper word to define it. It's a cross between enlightenment, shock, amusement, disgust, hurt, relief, empowerment, curiosity and confusion. I saw a few of Chad's friends Friday night. They asked me how I'd been doing; I told them I had been ok, and that I had made plans with Chad to take him out for his birthday. The repeated sentiment was, "You shouldn't do that. He doesn't deserve it." I figured their disapproval was just their way of trying to make me feel better. It was appreciated, but never really taken to heart. But apparently the thought of me buying Chad dinner didn't sit well with some of his friends at all, and they had a little intervention with me last night. Turns out I have no idea who Chad is AT ALL. Our relationship was filled with nothing but lies about who he really is, what has happened in his past, and, the icing on the cake, he had a date with another girl and slept with her while I was in France...while we were still in a relationship. Of course when I came back from France, he acted like nothing had happened and continued to fuck me. That is the only incident of unfaithfulness I have been made privy of, but I also found out that before we met and while we were on a two-month hiatus, he'd just fuck random girls all time. The whole thing is appalling to me. The person that he presented himself to be was a complete and utter lie. I'm astounded at his ability to be so manipulative and calculating. And after all that, he was going to let me buy him dinner for his birthday. Amazing. I have held Chad with such high regards for so long, mainly because he presented himself as being worthy of such high esteem. I thought he was one of the greatest people I ever dated; now I'm pretty sure he's the worst. I am continually surprised at the high levels of deception people can achieve. But I am glad that I know all this now. It's much easier to move on knowing the person I was missing doesn't even exist. 10*15*05 A moment of silence, please, for the myspace friend who has departed from my friend list. i know not which friend you were, but I probably didn't know you anyway since all the people I do know are still on my list. Regardless, I hope you can find the happiness that you apparently couldn't find while being my myspace friend. And know that I will never forget you, because I never even knew you. Ok, no more silence, I'm going drinking. 10*14*05 NEWS FLASH: It's raining! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! In other news, I am going out tonight and I am going to drink a reasonable amount and perhaps dance with Amanda. And I will have fun, damn it. 10*12*05 I lost my claddagh ring at a hospital I was at for a donor yesterday. I have to take my jewelry off before I do my procedure, and I put it in the breast pocket of my scrubs. It was gone by the time I got back in the company car to drive back to work. I was really upset--I've had that ring for fifteen years. I told my mom expecting a little sympathy; she just said she'd buy me another one for Christmas. But that's not the point! It won't be the same bent up ring that has been turned around through every relationship I've had, and turned back again when things failed. Well, in that sense, maybe another ring will see me through better fortune in that area. If it doesn't rain this Sunday, I'm running a 5k "race" to raise money for breast cancer. I wish I could say I'm doing it for the cause, but I just want to run in a group event that's a distance I know I'm capable of completing. The cause is a bonus. I've been tormented by the fact that I couldn't come up with a costume for Halloween this year. But I think I came up with an idea I'm going to follow through with. I have to see if there's even anything going on to show my costume off at before I start buying all the necessary items. There's no way this will top my Tippi costume from last year, but it's the best I could come up with for now. And yes, I'm keeping it a secret until Halloween. 10*10*05 Ugh, I just had to tell my date from Friday I'm not ready to date yet. It feels like such cliché excuse. But it's the truth, damn it! He wanted me to call him whenever I feel like I'm ready. Maybe I will call; I dunno. I did nothing all yesterday and today. Well, actually, I ran around the park today. But otherwise nothing. It's weird because I've just been feeling down and not wanting to go out, but also feeling like I should go out because it'll take my mind off of being down. It's a tough predicament I find myself in. Running is my only outlet at the moment. I have such a terrible headache. I think I watched too much TV. I hate that I stayed in and watched TV on my day off. I think maybe I'd have been more productive if it wasn't so gray out. Yes, it's not my fault, it's the weather's. 10*09*05 My date went ok. I had such a stressful day at work on Friday that I started to feel like I didn't even want to go, but after a good run, my faint enthusiasm returned. We saw Everything Is Illuminated at BAM, and then had drinks at a few places nearby. I ended the night somewhat early mostly due to the fact that the subway stopped running at midnight at the station I needed to take it from. I couldn't tell if he thought I was just making an excuse; maybe I was. I woke up yesterday slightly hungover and deeply depressed. I am not ready to date. I don't know when I will be. I don't know why it took me two weeks to suddenly feel broken-hearted, but it hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. I tried to go shopping, thinking it would take my mind off things, but I didn't buy anything; my heart wasn't in it. I had store credit at a clothing store in Park Slope, so I meandered back to Brooklyn, but still didn't buy anything. I walked around Park Slope for a little bit instead. Was it a good idea to wander depressed around a neighborhood that holds memories of an ex-boyfriend in the pouring rain at night? Probably not. I guess I have a tendency to be dramatic about these things at times. Feeling more hopeless than ever, I made my way to a coffee shop and had a shitty quiche for dinner with chai tea. I sat in the back and read Anna Karenina for over an hour, trying to kill time before I was to meet up with my roommate to see a movie. However, I was on call for work yesterday, and they called me in three hours before my shift was over. I was disappointed I had to break plans with Emily, but happy to do one of the only things I knew that left me no time to think about what was on my mind all day. Plus I could use the money. I had to drive to a hospital in the Bronx in that awful storm last night. The roads were flooded and I thought I was going to crash a dozen times, but I somehow made it there. I had to work with another organ donor team who took the donor's heart valves. They let me do the corneal excision first, so i had to move quick. I was so impressed with how smoothly I went through the procedure; I felt like a real pro. They even complimented me on my time. Coming from a couple of doctors who had been doing that sort of thing for at least a decade, it made me feel good about my work, and I drove back to the lab feeling a bit satisfied. I think I'll be able to put over $1000 into my savings this month. I'm rapidly approaching the minimum amount of funds I needed to move. I'm excited about that, but it's still not something that will fully develop until the end of the year. Otherwise, I'm feeling a tiny bit better today about things, but altogether still very somber. 10*06*05 I had a donor all the way in Warwick, NY yesterday. It's a 2-hour drive, but the vivid autumn foliage and winding roads through quaint towns made for some pretty nice scenery, so I didn't mind too much. Plus I had a few good CDs with me and sang along to everything at the top of my lungs. By the time I got back to the eye-bank, my hearing was halfway gone, as well as my voice. That's actually one of the things I was excited to be doing at my job--going on little "road trips" and blasting good music. That's the only thing I miss about having a car. That and being able to transport heavy groceries and other bulky objects with ease. I'm meeting up with Kristy from the crime lab for lunch tomorrow. We actually had dinner together last Thursday night. I hadn't seen her since our Coney Island excursion in the middle of the summer. I suppose that's one positive thing I can find about my break-up with Chad: getting back in touch with people I may have lost contact with. I don't think I necessarily fell out of touch with people specifically because I was seeing someone; I had a new job and a trip to France that factored into that as well. Nonetheless, I do have more of my time available now to see old friends, and that's not such a bad thing. The other thing that comes along with breaking up that really makes being single again that much more definitive for me is dating. As I mentioned before, I don't think I'm ready to date yet, or really have a strong desire to "get back out there", but a date sorta fell in my lap and I didn't feel like I necessarily wanted to say no. So I'm gonna give it a go tomorrow night. I'm very wary about the whole thing, but at least I can test the waters. It may just end with a simple, "I just got out of a relationship--I don't think I'm ready to do this yet. But thanks." Only one way to find out. 10*04*05 I may be pissed off, but I haven't lost my sense of humor. Watch this trailer for The Shining. It just goes to show you how important a narrative really is. 10*04*05 I wrote previously that I didn't know how to feel regarding my love life (i.e. Chad). After further thought (and seeing Chad last night to return some things I borrowed), I would have to say that I'm feeling pretty fucking pissed off. I'm angry that he led me on for so long. I'm angry that he waited until we broke up to say the nicest things he's ever said to me, knowing that he could finally tell me without any consequences for him, but making it that much more difficult for me to get over him...again. I want to say that I'm angry that he wasted my time, but I don't feel like the time we spent together was a waste, just the exhausting effort I've put forth throughout our whole relationship was a waste. And I'm angry at myself for believing him every time he said he'd make an effort as well and didn't. I refuse to be taken for granted and taken advantage of anymore, regardless of how much I care for someone. 10*02*05 I feel like whenever I write about not drinking too much I almost always have an unintentional drink-a-thon soon after. I had half a bottle of white wine and somewhere in the area of six vodka tonics last night. On my way home, I fell asleep on the N train and missed my stop. Luckily the stop I did get off at had a car service nearby the station. I didn't get to bed until sometime after five in the morning. Needless to say, I felt awful this morning. My mom came over around noon today, which made sleeping it off an impossibility. But I did have fun last night...I think. I took my mom to a street fair in Park Slope this afternoon. She lived in Park Slope until she was five. We visited her old apartment building, school and church. She seemed really happy to see everything again. She told me her mom paid $20 a month in rent back in the 50s. That's insane considering it's probably at least $2000 a month now. My mom has this habit of talking to strangers and telling them more information than they need or care to know. She asked some ladies where a church was, and then went on to tell them where she used to live and how she made communion at that church and where she lives now, etc. I could tell they were thinking "Why the hell are you telling me all this?" I was, anyway. She did this with a few more strangers before the night was over. I finally said something after she told the sales clerk at a clothing store that I just graduated college and I'm struggling for money. I know she means well and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I had to draw the line somewhere. I'm pretty sure I ended up hurting her feelings anyway; I feel bad now. Aside from that, I just feel weird in general today. I attribute this largely to the hangover. But I'm also just confused about my feelings regarding my love life (or lack thereof). I think that because I'm incapable of choosing any one stance on how to feel, it seems that sometimes I forego caring about it altogether. I suppose that's not good because sooner or later I'm going to have to deal with how I feel. Luckily my health insurance just kicked in yesterday and I can finally get a therapist to help me sort out the mess in my head. 10*01*05 This morning I ran around Prospect Park in a new record time (for me): 35 minutes. And I only walked 5 of those 35 minutes. Towards the end I felt like my lungs might burst, but I somehow convinced myself to suck it up and finish. If I keep up my workouts, I think maybe I'll be ready for a 4-mile race in a month or less. Last night I went to Jersey for Alex's birthday dinner. It's weird how little I feel like drinking lately. Not that that's a bad thing, but I couldn't say the same thing not too long ago. Anyway, tonight I'm having dinner with a friend, and then thinking about trying to see Everything Is Illuminated. Tomorrow my mom is coming up around noon, and will probably inundate me with more relationship advice I don't want. But the idea is to take her out for her birthday which was two weeks ago. At the moment though, I am bored and feeling kind of lazy. But it's not really my fault entirely; my subway is all messed up for the weekend, and it's deterring me from wanting to take it anywhere. If I haven't expressed it enough already, let me reiterate once more how much I cannot wait to move out of this neighborhood once I save up enough money.
|
