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You may not know this about me, but I'm a big stats whore. I check my website stats every day. I've noticed some interesting things I'd like to share with you. For instance, my website hits doubled in July as soon as I changed my relationship status on Friendster and Myspace back to single. Also, my total hits from this year have more than doubled compared to last year...and the year isn't even over. I owe it mostly to Myspace and Friendster. And the little people. Alas, with more hits comes more criticisms on my life. Hence the disappearance of my guestbook. Hardly anyone signed it anyway. I'm whitening my teeth as I type this. Coffee has taken its toll. I bought white strips on sale last week. So far I am extremely pleased with the results. One more week to go. I was telling my roommate I got them on sale while I had them on my teeth and "sale" came out sounding like "shale". It sounded funny so I kept saying it. My roommate got a kick out of it. I started diet number 582 today. I feel gross from eating so much when I went home. I worked out after work. Usually I can do 40 minutes on the elliptical trainer, but today I just barely finished 30 minutes. And I almost threw up when I was finished. Granted I haven't really been working out regularly since I started my internship. Just don't have the time or energy. But now I have to because I feel awful. Besides, I can't have my crush see me in bad form in the few weeks we still have lab together before break. I have a feeling nothing will come of him and me. I haven't given up all hope. But at the same time I'm not counting on it. Not a big deal. Why is Christmas so close? I'm not ready for it. The semester is almost over and I don't remember it starting. But this means I only have one more semester of college...forever! Yay. 11*28*04 Random thought: Why do the most undeserving people get to be rich? You know who you are. It's almost 3 in the morning. I am still at my mom's house. I hate this fucking town. The only thing to do here is watch TV and eat. I supposed if I had a car I'd have more options. But otherwise it's hopeless. Tonight I ate ice cream with my mom and forced her to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. She said it was weird, but liked it all the same. I really was looking forward to doing nothing before I got here. I just wanted to veg out. I've been going crazy with school; trying to get all my labs done before it's too late. But I think I got bored of doing nothing after one night here. I'm a New Yorker. I've never liked it here. I've always wanted to live there. I need to be busy. I'm happy when I'm busy. This just sucks. My friends and family now have to come visit me if they want to see me (except Christmas). I've been here more than enough the past few months. I welcome the long train ride home tomorrow morning. I miss my kitties and my iBook. I miss the subway! And I've only been gone for three days. Jeez. 11*26*04 Whaddya know, my mom's computer has FrontPage. I had no idea. My pants feel tight. Damn my Thanksgiving binge eating habits! I am about to go to Best Buy and pick up the Spinal Tap DVD. I just need to get the hell out of my mom's house so I am not faced with the temptation of eating all the Thanksgiving leftovers anymore. My brother let me borrow his car for the day, which seems rather suspicious to me. He probably wants something in return. I'm sure he'll hold it over my head at some point in the future. But then I can remind him how he got my first car for free (despite protests to my mom). Even though I'm only going to be driving his car for a little bit, I'm buying an adapter so I can listen to my iPod. I love blasting my music while driving. It's what I miss most about my car. Tonight I'm going out with Katrina and Melissa. We're meeting another friend from high school at a bar in Asbury Park. Katrina said "it'll be just like old times." But we never all hung out together in high school. But I'm sure we've all been in the same room at one point or another. So in that sense, it will be just like old times. Anyway, I'm excited. Ok, it's shopping time. 11*23*04 I won't be able to update this while I'm in New Jersey, so I figured I'd do a quick scribble before bed. Today was crappy. I had a quiz I did horrible on. During the quiz someone's phone kept ringing and it was driving me crazy. Then I realized it was the alarm on my phone going off to remind me to call Deirdre and wish her a happy birthday. I felt like an idiot. I hope my crush didn't know it was me. Then I went out drinking with some classmates I talk to on occasion. Our bill came out to $80. I owed around $24, so I put in $30. I don't know what happened with the other three people, but total we only had $87. The one kid (who said he used to be a bartender mind you) said, "good enough, let's go." But I wouldn't hear of it. I hate leaving shitty tips. And I hate people who leave shitty tips. My mom used to be a bartender and taught me better. Anyway, I tried to figure out who was being stingy on a napkin, but I got frustrated and ended up throwing another $10 on the bar and walked out pissed off. I thought maybe one of them would give some of it back to me when I saw them later on in lab, but that didn't happen. Fuck them. I only saw my crush for all of three minutes today. We didn't even make eye contact. I was deeply saddened. On the bright side, after tomorrow I don't have lab for the rest of the week! And soon I will be basking in the warmth of apple crumb pie. Mmmmmm. 11*21*04 I saw the Machinist today with Geoff. It was disappointing. I hung out with Courtney last night for the first time in months. We went to a bar in Brooklyn that gives away free mini pizzas with every drink you buy. Courtney got drunk and broke her vegan diet to have some. As if the free pizza didn't make it the best bar ever for that alone, they also had karaoke going on in the back. We both sang karaoke; I sang Blue Suede Shoes and she sang Personal Jesus. I have some pictures I'll post later...later as in tomorrow or the next day. Katrina and I made up. I wasn't about to end an 8-year friendship over what had happened anyway. Hopefully I'll get to hang out with her when I go home for Thanksgiving. I think I'm gonna spend the weekend in NJ and just relax. Although I'll probably just get bored without a car and end up leaving early. So I went to lab yesterday and my crush was there. He's usually never there on Saturdays. We smiled at each other. Then I asked him to come look in my microscope to give me his opinion on something and he did. We're interacting now! And I wasn't scared at all. I was extremely self-conscious though. Our seats were across the room from each other, but we were still facing each other. I tried not to look at him too much, but I'm almost positive I saw him sneaking glances at me out of the corner of my eye. And I'm usually the last to notice those kinds of things. Did I perhaps spark an interest in the boy? Could my silly lollipop actually lead to something? I'm intrigued to find out. I actually want to go to lab as much as possible now. Well I also have to because I only have three more weeks to finish 6 labs. Yikes. I can't believe I've liked this kid for over a month and half and I only just said something to him last week. 11*18*04 Holy crap I finally talked to my crush today. I am so happy. I don't even care if anything comes of it. I'm just so proud of myself for finally saying something. I found out as he was leaving lab last night that it was his birthday. I was upset I didn't find out sooner because I would have said happy birthday to him had I known. So I went home and sulked about it. But just before I went to bed I decided I was going to find him today and give him a lollipop for his birthday. I got one this morning before I got on the subway. My plan was to give it to him while he was in the nurse's office before I had to go to class. But I got up to the office door and felt like I was gonna pass out, so I ran away to class. I was pissed. But I saw him in lab later on. I gave myself about 5 minutes and I finally went over to him and asked if yesterday was his birthday. He replied yes. I then placed the lollipop on his notebook and whispered happy birthday (I couldn't talk like a normal human being at that point because I'm pretty sure my voice would have cracked). He said "aww thank you!" And I said yup and ran back to my area. I was trying to continue with the lab I had started which required me to use a pipette to drop small aliquots of a liquid into a tiny well, but my hand was shaking so violently I had to put it down and take some deep breaths to compose myself. I was going to join in a conversation he was having with a friend of his a little later on, but I thought about it too much and I started getting sick to my stomach with nerves. It was ridiculous. Anyway, as he was leaving he said, "thanks again for the birthday present." And I said no problem and asked him how old he was. He said 23, and I told him I was older. He asked by how much, I told him...yadda yadda. There wasn't much more to the conversation. BUT I didn't feel like I was going to puke that time around just because we were talking. I think I may be comfortable with talking to him now. Thank god. I am so relieved. He is such a beautiful boy. If I remember one of these days, I'll sneak a picture of him on my camera phone. I got an A on my latest Hitchcock paper. I rule! Today was such a good day!! I feel like dancing. Maybe I will. Mmm, actually it's kinda late. Arg my cat's driving me crazy! I don't even care! 11*15*04 My internet was down for 4 hours tonight. It was horrifying. I called the cable company and they said they could have someone here on the 30th to fix it. I almost threw the phone against the wall. But as I was watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind again with my roommate, there was a knock at the door. It was someone from the cable company asking me to check and see if my internet was fixed; it was. His appearance was kind of odd, but I'm not complaining. It's like he was sent from internet heaven to restore my connection. Bless that man! I don't know why I'm still up. I should go to bed. I have school all day tomorrow. Gotta look well rested so I don't look like a psycho when I finally gather the nerve to talk to RL. I have less than a month left of my job. I can't wait. But at the same time I guess it's a little sad. My boss is being so sweet now that I'm leaving. He never really showed much appreciation for me for three years. But now he's laying it on extra thick. I feel guilty. I hate it. I just have to keep reminding myself of all the things he's done to make me want to quit in the first place. I don't know why this is such a surprise to him anyway. I was going to leave in less than a year when I graduated in May. I'm just a little ahead of schedule. Melissa made me beer. I had two bottles tonight. It was good stuff. Thanks Mel. Katrina and I had a fight this weekend. I don't really feel like writing about it. All I have to say is that she has to straighten shit out in her life so it's not the huge soap opera that she has currently turned it into. I think that some people secretly like drama. I personally prefer to have things a bit more calm if I can help it. And I usually can as long as I'm not dating whatever shithead I usually end up dating. Totally unrelated: I watched The Jerk tonight for the first time. I almost peed my pants during the cat juggling scene. Hilarious! 11*14*04 I bought Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind today and just finished watching it. I'm a big baby so I cried at the end. Now I'm in an analytical mood. I'm analyzing relationships. The obvious thought one would would take away after seeing this movie is that relationships go bad and there's a lot of hurt that can come along with that. But all the good stuff--the stuff that made you fall in love with the person in the first place--makes it all worth it. And I agree. I can't say I feel like that when I'm heart broken though. It's the worst feeling in the world. It hurts mentally and physically. I had my heart broken not too long ago, and now that I am over it, I can say that I don't regret being with Gavin. I have some fond memories. And I've learned a lot from our relationship, especially about what I should be looking for in a guy and what I deserve...and to never date him again. It really is fascinating though. That people can go through something as painful as heart break and not only get over it, but actually dare to risk going through it again by getting into another relationship. It's pretty sadistic in a way. But connecting with someone on that level can be so amazing and addicting. When I date new people, I am not trying to attain what I had once with a previous ex, I just want someone to share everything with. Someone to laugh with and watch movies with and share a kind of intimacy you can't get out of any other kind of relationship. And it's really incredible when you think of all the factors working against a person that they can find someone that they get along with on that level. Even if it doesn't last. To have once had it and say that you loved...I think it's worth it. Sorry about that sap-happy randomness. I'm actually having positive thoughts about relationships so I wanted to document it before it's completely forgotten. I'm not in desperate search of a boyfriend. I could really care less if I had one at the moment. If it happens--great. If not, I'm too busy with school and other aspects of my life to be concerned. This high school crush I have at the moment is pretty fun anyway. We've had all sorts of imaginary dates in my head. I think it's getting serious! 11*12*04 I am so tired. I am going to bed at 11. I just watched Dawn of the Dead for the 4th time. I bought it a few weeks ago. The next DVD on my to-buy list is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I was supposed to go see The Machinist with Geoff tonight, but he couldn't make it into the city in time. Oh well. I'm going to Jersey to hang out with Katrina tomorrow night. Before that I have to be in lab for most of the day. Hopefully my crush will be there. He will be referred to as RL from now on...since those are his initials. Pretty clever, huh? Anyway, I'm still beating myself up over Wednesday night. The longer I put the relatively simple task of talking to him off, the more I think about it. And the more I think about it, the more nervous I get about actually going through with it. When I finally do say something to him I'll probably have a heart attack. Hmmm, but maybe he'll give me mouth-to-mouth then. Not a bad idea. Note to self: fake heart attack. Ah but a pretty face will only get him so far; I hope after all this he ends up having a cool personality. And he's straight. And he doesn't have a girlfriend. And likes me too. Minor complications. 11*10*04 Tonight I walked side by side with my crush on an empty sidewalk and said absolutely nothing to him. When I looked over and realized it was him my heart stopped and my mouth went numb. By the time I regained my senses he was two steps ahead of me. In my head I said a million things to his back. I don't think he heard. I am so disappointed in myself. This boy has been all I can think about for the past two weeks, and I blew it. I feel like I'm in high school all over again. It just makes me realize how bad I am at talking to boys I'm interested in initially when I don't have the internet to get things started. I want to speak to him very badly. I have to stop being such a baby. I still can't believe I passed up such a perferct opportunity. Stupid! 11*08*04 Two things I keep forgetting to mention: 1-My train conductor talked like a pirate for five whole minutes on Halloween, and 2-I saw Hank Azaria on my way to school on Saturday. Some people know him from some of the movies he's been in, or the stand-up he's done, or the fact that he was once married to Helen Hunt. But I know and love him as the voice of Chief Wiggum and Professor Frink among other beloved Simpsons' character voices he does. I should have tackled him and not have let him up until he talked like Chief Wiggum. But he looked like he was in a rush. He was wearing a marathon number. For the third year in a row, I slept in instead of getting up in time to get my ass to Central Park and watch the first marathon runners finish. I vow to run in the NYC Marathon before I am 30. I won't try for next year's (I don't even think I can anymore), but I'll throw my name in the lottery next year for the one in 2006. Then I'll train for a year. Both my parents used to be hardcore runners; they both ran in marathons. Then they started hating each other and yadda yadda. Point is, it's in my blood to run this thing! And run it I shall. 11*07*04 And so it begins: "President Bush will renew a quest in his second term for a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage as essential to a "hopeful and decent'' society..." This country had a major opportunity regain some of its decency last Tuesday. And that was shot to hell with Bush's re-election. This makes me sick. If all goes as planned, I'm going to the counter-inauguration in DC on January 20th. I know it won't change anything, but I'd like to do something before I have to call this guy. 11*04*04
Ooooh, third post today. This is some kind of record. Ok so I added four more pictures to my Halloween page (the top row). And below are some of the pictures from my photo shoot. My favorite is the last one because I usually hate the way I look when I smile in pictures, but I don't in that one. And that's pretty much all I have for now.
11*04*04 Goddamn it! I couldn't ask him out because there was another person in the nurse's office working with him. I felt awkward hitting on him in front of someone. So I asked him for a Band-Aid and fled. Now I can't use the whole Band-Aid excuse again. He'll start to get suspicious if I need a Band-Aid every week. My mom said I should ask him how he got a job at the nurse's office like I'm interested. I think that's a good idea. I really wanted to get this over with today though!!! I felt a lot more nervous than I thought I would. I checked my e-mail before I went in and my hands were shaking. Guess I'm not as tough as I thought I was. :( Anyway, so it looks like I'll have plenty of time to post pictures tonight. I'm gonna kill that girl who works with him!! 11*04*04 Hmm I just woke up hoping this whole Bush election was some sort of nightmare. But no. I just want to add that it's nice to know that issues like the war and the economy were not of importance to the majority of Bush voters. I mean, after all, those are such small problems in comparison to gays and abortion. So they picked the guy who would make abortion illegal and ban gay marriage. It's nice to see such a good example of separation of church and state. This country was already going down the crapper before because of Bush, and I'm really scared to see what will happen in the next four years. How fun it will be to have Christian idealogy forced upon us. I spent the majority of my internship yesterday sulking about this with Deirdre. Then we got off topic and I felt a little better. Then last night I was talking with Melissa (my gay best friend) and I got pretty upset again. I just wish I didn't feel so helpless. Anyway, so today I have school all day. I am going to attempt to ask that boy out that I like. If that doesn't work out as planned, I'll be home tonight and I'll post some more pictures. 11*03*04 No no no no no no no. Bush CANNOT be re-elected. This is fucking ridiculous. I hate middle America. I hate Bush's chief of staff who is quoted as saying "And in this election, President Bush received more votes than any presidential candidate in our country's history." Just because more people voted doesn't mean that Bush is well-liked in this country. I bet Kerry got more votes than any other presidential candidate in America's history (aside from Bush) as well. "I thank the many voters who participated in this important election. It was a great celebration of our democracy." How can anybody say that when the country is clearly still so divided as to who they want running it? There are so many things wrong with this election and country. I'm moving to France. Viva le fromage! 11*01*04 I sent my Halloween pictures to my mom and this is what she wrote back to me: "I received your pictures. You look great! However, I'm a little worried about your obsession with blood dripping from your body. :) Love you, Mom" I should have some more Halloween pictures to post either tomorrow or Wednesday depending on when Melissa decides to send them to me. I also got a few pictures back from my photo shoot a few Sundays ago which I think came out pretty good. I should be studying for my midterm right now. There are far too many distractions in my apartment. Especially when I'm sitting in front of my laptop trying to study. I'm off to the living room I guess. Must resist DVD collection!!
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