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11*29*2003 Ooooooh, so much to write. Where to begin? Hmmmm...well Thanksgiving was actually ok. My relatives still think I go to NYU even though I transferred 3 years ago. So after setting them straight, they interrogated me for a half hour about my life. Then I made my mom tell me stories about my dad during dinner. While he is a shitty, drunk father, my mom has some pretty good stories about him. Highly entertaining. Then I left as dessert was being served. But not without a huge guilt trip from my mom. Then she threw in the fact that I never got my brother a birthday card in September, and how I'm a wicked girl and I'm going to hell. Well, those weren't her exact words. But she was laying on the guilt extra thick. So I actually did feel a little guilty though, because one of the main reasons I left was to go watch movies with Jason at his place when he got off work. Aside from the fact I have a humongous crush on him, I thought it was shitty he didn't have much of a Thanksgiving. So I suggested we watch gory movies to make up for it. I watched a Friday the 13th movie for the first time. It was pretty funny. I finally left around 4 AM. Nothing but movie-watching occurred! So we were chatting outside when some thug-type guy walked by. We were in horror movie mode still and were joking amongst ourselves how he was a butcher and was gonna come after us or something. Then the guy circled back and asked us if we'd seen some girl, and we told him he's the only one we've seen. So he started walking away again. Then he circled back again and asked us if we were sure we didn't see her. And we again told him we hadn't. Then he walked over to the passenger side of my car and started looking inside. Then he pulled on the handle, trying to get in. He started saying, "I see her! She's in your backseat!" And we're like, "um, no she's not." But he was insistent that she was in my car and kept trying to get in. I was getting kinda freaked out. Finally Jason told me to just get in the car and drive away. And that I did. The guy was still pulling on my handles as I was pulling out of my parking spot. He said something like "I can smell her in there!" as I was driving away. Very wierd. Well I was kind of disappointed nothing had happened between us that night, so I decided to write Jason an e-mail the next day to tell him how I feel. Which is possibly the lamest thing ever, but I did it anyway. But he wrote back and said he likes me too. So now we see where we go from here. I'm not really sure what I want to happen. I'm not looking for a hook-up. And I'm really nervous about anything serious happening. All I know is that I get along with him extremely well and he has an amazing personality. Which is more than I can say for the majority of the guys I've ever dated. Back to me being sick (again). I felt it creeping up on me on Wednesday afternoon. So I told myself to just take it easy that night and go to bed early. But when I got home to NJ, my brother asked if I wanted to go to a gay bar with him and without giving it a second thought I said sure. Then the night I hung out with Jason I only got 4 hours of sleep and had to work all day yesterday. I finally got so sick at work my boss sent me home. Chris came over and we watched some movies together. I was coughing my head off by the last movie though, so he went home and I went to bed. I've slept a good amount today and my throat's ok as long as I don't talk or eat. And both those things are pretty unnecessary anyway. I've actually been trying to cut back on them, so this really works out for the best. Though sooner or later I'm gonna have to get off my ass and go feed Melissa's cats for her. Meh. 11*24*2003 I was sitting in class today and my friend told me that a report I thought was due next week was due tomorrow, a lab is due tomorrow and I have to study for some quizzes for tomorrow. Plus I have to mail out all the stuff I sold on Ebay. I started to have a panic attack. I only went to work for a few hours and now I'm home to do lots of last minute work. So of course I'm updating my website first. When will I kick this internet addiction!? I had a fun weekend. I went to a psychobilly show with my friend Chris on Friday night. The lead singer of The Monsters is so friggen cute and creepy. I told him I liked his jacket and his eyes bugged out of his head. That made my whole week. Saturday I lazed around for a while, then got some hair dye, movies and a big bottle of wine. I had wanted to go out, but I wasn't very successful at finding something to do. Three glasses of wine, one dvd and a much redder head later I got a phone call from an internet friend inviting me to go out dancing. I happily accepted the invite and hopped on a subway. It was possibly the shortest ride I've ever had since I fell into a deep, drunken sleep from the moment I got on, up until my stop. I had fun dancing, even if I did probably look like an idiot. Last night I went to Cinema Classics with Carlos and saw Mulholland Drive for the second time. Such a good movie. Afterwards, we were chatting it up at the bar and I had the overwhelming urge to call Jason. I'm not extremely good at playing all the games people are supposed to play with one another in these kinds of situations, so I asked Carlos what he would do. But he was very vague and confused me further. I finally decided to throw caution to the wind and gave him a call. He was at work, so, after driving Carlos home, I picked Jason up and drove him home. We just talked and he was really appreciative about me driving him. Ugh, I still can't read him very well. It's frustrating and at the same time exciting. I really don't want to go home for Thanksgiving. I'd rather cook dinner for the cats and me. If it was just my immediate family, that'd be fine. But they're all coming. Usually they start talking about politics and I want to scream because they're all republicans. Plus most of them are insane...and not in a good way. I think it was last Thanksgiving that my aunt was telling me how Harry Potter was Satanic. I'm sure this Thursday promises to offer as equally exciting conversations. 11*20*2003 I had fun last night! I got caught in the rain on my way to Trailer Park. My jeans got soaked up to the knee. I got there a few minutes early and was waiting for Jason outside under some awning. Some girl asked me for a light and, after letting her down, she asked me if I was waiting for a date. I looked at her weird and said I sorta was. She smiled and said she could tell because my outfit looked really cute. That was a nice little ego booster. I really love New Yorkers sometimes. When Jason and I finally went inside we couldn't get a seat at the bar or anywhere else. Who'd have thought a Wednesday night would be so crowded? Elvis came out a half hour later in his studded, white Las Vegas jump suit. He sang some songs I liked, and some I either didn't like or just didn't know. I was sad he didn't dance with me. Jason and I finally found a seat over by Elvis's sound system before the act was over. We unfortunately had front row seats to witness Elvis yell at his sound man. We were very disappointed with the unnecessary cruelty on his behalf and decided he was weiner. After that, we went over to a neat and very dead little bar on the east side to play pool. I kicked ass...again. We played eight games of pool. That's right--eight. I won five of them! Guess last weekend wasn't just a one-time thing. Then we talked for a bit. I dunno. I just had a good time. That's all I'm sayin' right now. Lord knows who reads this. I miss karaoke. I haven't been since the competition. I ache to sing! Speaking of singing, I'm going to some psychobilly show tomorrow night. Should be fun. And if it's not I'll just get drunk and pass out in the bathroom. I've never actually passed out from drinking. I had 4 cocktails and a shot last night and didn't get drunk. Not that I'm disappointed. I just don't get why I only felt a little tipsy from all that. Could I be developing a higher tolerance? Hmmm...you ponder that. Meanwhile I'm going to bed. 11*17*2003 I have a nasty cold. I hate being sick. I felt a little under the weather on Saturday. Then I drank that night and only got 4 hours of sleep, so naturally my sickness progressed. I hung out with Katrina and we went to her boyfriend's friend's place in Brick. I finally found the one cool house in that awful, awful town. We stayed there for a bit, and then headed to a seedy bar in Asbury Park to shoot some pool and feed our money to the jukebox. I can't believe how well I played pool. I only went up two times, but I kicked ass! Maybe I only suck in NYC. Sunday my mom took me winter coat shopping. Four hours later we found one. I was in a daze the whole time since I had taken 3 different kinds of medicine within 2 hours. I guess I'm feeling better than I did yesterday, but I still feel like shit. So Wednesday night I'm definitely going to see Elvis impersonators. Since I don't have class Thursday, the plan is to stay out very, very late. Well, depending on how I feel by then, too. I'm going with Jason, the boy whose Halloween party I went to. I unintentionally keep meeting guys who are younger than me. I guess it doesn't really matter if they don't act their age (or younger, which is usually the case). Jason seems to be pretty mature, but then again I don't really know him that well. But what I do know about him, I like. It's so hard for me not to get my hopes up. I guess the best way to approach these things would be with complete indifference. But that never happens. Damn my stupid, girly heart.
11*13*2003 I can't stop coughing. I just had coffee with cream and dairy always makes me all phlegmy. Dairy and everything else. Rachael even calls me Phlegmily. I can't help it! I'm in the computer lab at school right now. I got here early to work on a chemistry lab, but it turns out there is no lab in the morning. Oopsy. I've decided not to go to the science convention next week for various reasons. But I am still going to see Elvis impersonators at Trailer Park next Wednesday. I don't care if I have to go by myself, I am going! I'm getting really stressed out with one of my classes. I have to complete five labs before the semester is over and I haven't been able to finish one yet. And it's mostly due to my lazy, half-ass ways, so I have no one to blame but myself. Well, it's also the internet's fault. I waste so much time on here. Someone should really regulate the amount of time I spend on it. I can't be expected to take full responsibility for all my actions! A friend from school let me borrow Return of the Living Dead. I loved it. I think I'll buy it. I'm going to New Jersey this weekend to visit Katrina and my mom. I really should stay home and study, but that would make too much sense. I think my mom is gonna take me thrift store shopping on Sunday, which is really sweet since that's not her thing at all. I'm bored! !?*%$#@! 11*11*2003 I hate daytime tv. I don't have class until this afternoon, so I'm lazing around. It's times like these I wish I had cable. Poor me. So I visited Rory in Philly this weekend. I had a good time. I love Rory. I really hope he moves to NYC when he graduates next year. Saturday night we went to about 6 different bars, two of them being gay bars. I danced to cheesy dance music with a bunch of half naked homosexuals. It was a blast! When we were sufficiently drunk, we went back to Rory's apartment and danced in his room with a strobe light on. Sunday we didn't do that much except shop. And I surprisingly didn't get any clothes. I guess I was worried about that minor detail of paying rent. On the bus back to NYC, I walked all the way to the back to get a window seat. Then some couple sat behind me and were all upset they both had to sit in aisle seats across from eachother which prevented them from humping. The girl asked if I'd switch seats with her since I was in a two-seater by myself. I felt like a bitch, but I told her I really wanted to sit by the window and not in the aisle, so no. She was nice about it and said she understood. But twenty minutes later I was still bothered by the whole thing. That window was my only form of entertainment (aside from my walkman). If I had given my seat up, I'd have had to sit in a seat with no view except that of the couple I had given my seat up to. Why would I want to be subjected to that sort of PDA!? I hate couples. I hate that those people couldn't bear to have a whole 12 inches of seperation between them even though they had probably just spent the whole friggen weekend together. That makes me ill. I'm sure they'll be wanting to sit a full bus-length apart in no time. Yeah, I'm not bitter, I swear. 11*05*2003 When I got off the subway after work to discover it was raining pretty hardy, I felt somewhat annoyed. But once I got out of the station and opened my umbrella, I felt strangely at peace. It wasn't very cold or windy. The rain was falling straight down onto my umbrella and making the most soothing pitter patter. Then lightening began to flash and I looked down at my red shoes and felt like Gene Kelly in 'Singin' In the Rain'. Plus I was listening to a pretty great CD. I felt at ease for what seems like the first time in a while. Actually the CD I was listening to was Death Cab For Cutie. I asked Rob to burn it for me the day after I saw them a few weeks ago. He told me it was no problem, but took two weeks to get it to me. I finally saw him in school yesterday and got it from him. We ended up going to lunch together and talking for a few hours. Things seem to be going pretty shitty for him. And while I'd like to say that I could care less and I'm happy he's miserable, I'm not. I feel bad for him. And I realize now that I would never have been able to help him get through his emotional problems. Part of me is relieved that I don't have to deal with his drama. But then the part of me that still cares about him as a person wishes there was something I could do to make him feel better. In any case, it was nice to talk to him. I think what I miss now is just connecting with someone. Knowing someone likes me and I like them back and want to spend time with them. Not to be in a relationship necessarily, but to be in that place just before things get serious. When we both seem perfect for one another, and are completely content with just laying next to eachother instead of going out. Just before I realize everything that's wrong with them and that we're doomed. I haven't been kissed, or kissed anyone since August. And I suppose if it was just the kissing I missed, I could find someone who'd kiss me. But I want to kiss someone I connect with. Where are you? 11*03*2003 I saw Kill Bill yesterday. Kirsten and Rachael had both said they'd see it with me since it's been out, but I finally got sick of waiting for them and went by myself. I actually think I prefer going the to the movies by myself anyway. Oh, and the movie was ok. Awesome fight scenes, but I feel like I can't make a complete judgement on the film as a whole until I see the second one. It just kind of stopped in the middle. What gives!? I've been feeling a little down in the dumps lately. I guess mostly because this past weekend sucked and I thought it was gonna be great. Plus I sorta developed a tiny crush on Andy and I thought that maybe, just maybe, the feelings might have been reciprocated. But now that thought is in the garbage and I'm feeling a little disappointed. Anyway, so I've decided to go visit Rory in Philadelphia this weekend. If there's one person who can make everything ok, it's Rory. I can't wait to see him. An old friend from grade school lives in Philly too now, and she's moving to Dublin in a few weeks, so I think I'll say goodbye to her while I'm there. Weird how long we were friends and now we barely know eachother. Most of my friends who knew her don't understand why I'd want to say goodbye to her, but they also didn't spend 4th through 12th grade being friends with her. Maybe I'm just being nostalgic. I dunno. What I do know is that I need to get out of NYC for a weekend. J. Sara, my friend from school, is going to sleep over next Wednesday. I think I'll make her go see Elvis impersonators with me at Trailer Park that night. Thursday morning we're driving to the Eastern Analytical Symposium in New Jersey. Our teachers are making a big deal about it, plus they're serving cocktails there. I figure we can get a little drunk and then the place won't seem so boring. But who knows? Maybe the latest in scientific instrumentation will be exciting. Mmmhhhmmm. 11*01*2003 Do you see this shit!? They put a fucking banner on the TOP of my webpage! THE TOP!! Before it was the bottom and I could deal with it. This pisses me off to no extent. I am in the process of looking for a non-forced advertising web host now. I'll muster up the money and get my own domain name while I'm at it. Fuck Angelfire! So Halloween was kinda disappointing. I think because I had been looking forward to it for over a month and had built it up so much in my mind, that anything less than spectacular would have been a let down. My costume came out pretty great, but the parties I went to were just eh. I don't know why, but I felt somewhat anti-social. I'm not usually like that. I also think I looked pretty unapproachable on top of that. Kirsten dressed up as Pippi Longstocking. She looked so fucking cute. Everyone kept coming up to her and telling her how cute she was and stroking her pigtails. And I was like "but I had a seamstress make my costume..." Well, I didn't say that out loud, but I was thinking it. Don't get me wrong, she looked great, I just think my costume didn't get the amount of attention it deserved. I guess not enough people appreciate classic horror. The guy I went to the movies with, Andy, showed up at the last party we went to. I felt bad because I called him when I got there and told him to come and said the party was ok. But by the time he got there with 10 of his friends, a lot of people had left and it looked a lot more lame than I had described it. So they left about 3 minutes after they got there. I was kind of disappointed because I think I like him. But shhhh. The party did pick up a lot about a half hour later though. Kirsten and I left a little after 2, went back to her place and watched some of Pumpkinhead before we decided we were too tired to keep our eyes open. So that was my Halloween. I heard there were some more Halloween parties tonight. I'd love to dress up again. The guy who threw the last party I went to invited me to go to one with him. But I'm still trying to see if half-ass plans with certain people are going to pan out. Ok, I guess I'll go watch the rest of Pumpkinhead since Kirsten let me borrow it.
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