all the things you knew I've written about you

Arg! My neighbor is having a party in his backyard and blasting horrible music. I want to go to sleep but it's impossible to do so with this noise. I filed a noise complaint over an hour ago. Like usual the cops haven't stopped it yet and most likely won't. They probably already came and drank with everyone instead.

Anyway, I had a good weekend. The Morrissey/Smiths cover band on Friday night was pretty great. Emily and I went shopping together Saturday afternoon. She let me use her Urban Outfitters discount--quite a nice perk about living with her. Then I saw Coffee and Cigarettes with Geoff. It was just ok. But by that point I was so tired the movie almost put me to sleep. Sunday my mom came up and dyed and cut my hair. She fucked it up big time. I guess my cat was the only one listening when I explained what I wanted done with my hair. Then we got into a fight about whose fault it was that my hair looked stupid. But I had a really good time when we went to Tavern on the Green. It's so pretty there. They gave me balloons and a piece of cake with a candle in it. Oh, and my mom bought me an air conditioner. When we got back to my place after dinner, she sorta fixed my hair to the point where I don't completely hate it now. I'll just have to let it grow out again before I can have done to it what I originally wanted. And I'll have someone else cut it!

I miss Gavin. We've been talking every night; mostly about how we can't wait to see each other and how much we miss each other. Saturday seems forever away. And I know this week will go by so slow since I'm waiting so impatiently for it to end.

My fucking neighbors are sounding off blow horns now. There's no way I'm the only one who called the cops about this. I should go on the roof and throw eggs on everyone. I would but it would probably just make them rowdier. Bah. Here are some pictures.

My mom at Tavern on the Green. She looks freakishly young here.	Tavern on the Green. So pretty!	Fake Morrissey stealing real Morrissey's moves	Fake Moz and band.
New haircut	Me being way cool.	Side view of new do.	New shirt from Urban Outfitters
	My instrumental analysis class gettin' drunk after our final	Picture of my totaled car I've been meaning to post

E	Emotional
M	Mushy
I	Important
L	Luscious
Y	Yum

The generator does not lie.

My boss has been gone for three glorious hours, so I thought I'd take advantage of it while I still can. I've successfully booked my whole weekend except Saturday night. Hmmm, that's a bad night not to have anything to do. I'll have to fix that. Anyway, I think I'm gonna do Critical Mass tomorrow and then go to some bars with Emily at night. There's another Morrissey night going on somewhere that I'll most likely check out at some point. Of course Carlos and Geoff will be there. Saturday morning/afternoon I think Emily and I are going to walk around Chinatown, and then around six I'm seeing a movie with Geoff. Sunday my mom is coming up to take me out to dinner for my birthday since I'll be in Virginia on the actual day. We're going to Tavern on the Green in Central Park. I once rode my bike past there last summer at night and thought it looked beautiful. I had told my mom back then and she's been meaning to take me there ever since. So the day has finally come. She's also going to cut and dye my hair while she's here. I want the underside of my hair dyed black while the the top is kept red. I've wanted to try that for a while. As far as the cut goes, I'm not quite sure what to do. I was trying to grow it out, but it's getting annoying. So either I'll go short again or have her add some sort of style to the longer length.

I should be getting the money for my car soon. I think I'll spend some of it on me and save the rest for a car. I don't really need another car right away anyway. One of the many good things about living in NYC. Ok, I guess I should go back to work. Meh.

It just started to rain. I was supposed to go out drinking with Chris tonight, but that got cancelled because his graduation ran late. So I made some screwdrivers for myself when I got home and watched a Netflix movie. Emily came home towards the end of my first movie and joined me in a cocktail to watch Secretary. I actually own that, but she hasn't seen it and I liked it enough to watch it again, so I did. She's awesome. I think we're a really good roommate match...knock on wood.

Sooo, Gavin e-mailed me Sunday night. I responded and told him to call me, which he did last night. I dunno. He apologized for everything. And I told him how I felt about his self-destructive drinking behavior. And he expressed a desire to change. So I decided that maybe this summer away from certain things/people may do him a world of good. And I'm willing to give things another go to find out. But if it continues on the same after the summer, I can't promise I'll stick around. I was a little worried he may think I'm trying to change him and resent me for it. That happened when I was dating Rob. But I actually was trying to change him because he sucked. Heehee. But I love everything about Gavin...except his excessive drinking which has caused every problem we've had to date. And I don't consider his drinking habits to be a part of who he is, so I'm not really asking him to change who he is. I just don't want to see him hurt or embarrass himself anymore. I care about him too much to continue doing that.

So I'm still going to Virginia to visit him on my birthday. I'm really excited about that. Oooh, it just thundered. Anyway, I'm so glad we were able to resolve things for the most part. I still feel like everything is on shaky ground, but mostly I just miss him. As usual, my heart overpowered every logical thought my head and my friends had to say about this situation. But that's what I do. And aside from the missing Gavin thing, I'm happy. So there!

I can't sleep. I have too many thoughts in my head. Mainly anxiety about my final tomorrow morning for Instrumental Analysis. But then I got to thinking about what I want to wear on my birthday and decided to put it on. Then I decided I love this dress and wanted to take pictures of me wearing it. So I did. I'm sort of deliriously tired, so pay no mind.

Mmm, ok, so the pictures are mostly of me and not my dress. I get a tad narcissistic when I take pictures on my digital camera. Oh well. Notice I have my hair in pigtails, a phenomenon that hasn't occurred since high school. Also, I am not wearing makeup. I look like I'm 16. So, ten more hours and no more Instrumental Analysis...unless I fail. Bah. Need sleep now.

My new roommate moved in today. Not only do we share the same name, but we like some of the same movies and music. And we're definitely both into the vintage thing, which is awesome. Drinking last night and then waking up early to help her move kicked my ass though. I had to take a nap to recuperate.

I'm still in a daze about this whole break up. I feel like there's this constant pressure in my chest and I can't eat. I drank four screwdrivers on an empty stomach last night and still didn't feel drunk in the least. I was having fun for a little bit, but then I ended up getting depressed and coming back home to sulk. I was a mess for a bit, and then Rory called and talking to him helped calm me down. I'm glad I have awesome friends to help me through shit like this. Every one of them that I've told think that what Gavin did was complete shit and that I did the right thing. I keep getting unsure about that. It doesn't feel right because it hurts so much. But even Carlos agreed with what I did, and he's great at keeping situations objective rather than just telling me what I want to hear. And honestly, what I wanted to hear was that I was wrong so I could go about making things right. But now that's all on Gavin's plate. And so far it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.

I didn't think things would end so stupidly. I didn't think Gavin would let it end so easily. I thought we'd have a blast together in Virginia. I thought we'd make it past two months. I didn't think he'd just stop being in my life completely starting this weekend. I keep hearing "you're better off, you'll find someone else, blahblahblah..." But I'm not concerned about finding someone else. He's still the only person I want right now. And perhaps I should just write him off and adopt the attitude that I'm better off, but I can't do that. I can't do it because I'm the only one, aside from Gavin, who knows what it was like to be together. It's not something that I can put into words, therefore I can't explain to anyone why I could still possibly want things to work. I guess just know that I was truly happy with him...when all that other shit like the excessive drinking and the cheating wasn't clouding things. Ha. I sound like such a loser.

Anyway, I'm off to watch Morrissey videos with Geoff and some other people at his house. It's our "tribute" to Morrissey since today is his birthday. Yeah, we're geeks. Chris also invited me to see the Nekromantix with him tonight. I could have gone for free too. But I'm not in the happiest of moods, so I don't feel like going. Plus I'm not in the mood to dress up. I think a Morrissey night is more suitable for me tonight anyway with the way I feel. Rock out with the Pope of Mope.

I just wanted to write some shit down before I forgot the facts. Tonight was my last night with Gavin before he moved away for the summer. We hadn't really made any plans to do something specific, but we had made plans to be together. And while I knew in the back of my mind he'd also want to spend tonight with his friends, I also envisioned that at some point during the night we'd have some alone time. However, it became quite clear to me how the night was going to turn out once his friends got a bunch of coke. I knew how it'd go because I've been through it at least a dozen times already. His friends would get super hyper and stay up all night, and Gavin would get super drunk and stay up with them. Being that I had to go to bed at a reasonable time to get up at 8 in the morning to go to work, there's no way I could stay up with all of them until Gavin was ready to go to bed. So I got upset and decided I wasn't going to stick around if that's how things were going to go...yet again. I was walking to the subway and Gavin was walking with me, and I was basically explaining why I was upset. He kept telling me he didn't want to make a choice between me and his friends and that he wanted to spend time with both of us and he didn't really need alone time with me because he'd see me in two weeks. But what pissed me off was that he was choosing his friends over me. When 2 or 3 AM rolled around and I decided to go to bed because I needed to get up early, Gavin would chose to stay with his friends rather than come with me. And he was kind of like, "well, whatever, then I guess I'm choosing my friends," and just being completely shitty and indifferent about everything. I couldn't believe that after me putting aside time all week, time I NEEDED to be studying, just to be with him, he couldn't come to bed 2 hours earlier to be with me. Keep in mind, I haven't had time alone with Gavin since last week. Even when I was over this week, either his friends were there or he was writing a paper for school. I don't think what I asked from him was so huge, but him not doing it was. It just showed a complete lack of consideration about me or our relationship. So I told him I wasn't coming to Virginia in 2 weeks and kept walking to the subway. He let me go and left it at that.

Of course I didn't really want the night to end like that, so I called him and hoped that maybe he'd come around and things would be ok, but his mind was completely made up about not coming to bed 2 hours earlier. And then I said, "you'd still do this even if it meant I'd break up with you?" And he said yes. So I was hysterical because it hit me that he just didn't give a shit about me and I've been a complete fucking idiot this whole time to believe this was something more. My sobs didn't move him; he was completely ice cold towards me. I don't know where this came from. I felt like I'd been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I started telling him why I couldn't understand why he wouldn't do this one thing for me when I've been making such an effort to see him all week. And I said I felt like he was making no effort. And he said, "well then why don't you just break up with me if you think I'm such a bad boyfriend!?" So I did. There was a little more drama because I have a habit of dragging things out. But nothing more was said that I didn't already mention. He seemed pretty eager to get back to his friends anyway since I was wasting the few precious moments he had left with them while they were coked out.

When I think about it, I feel like I've been making an effort this whole relationship and he hasn't. Fuck! I'm even the one who came back to him after he cheated on me! And I've spent practically every weekend hanging out with his friends and him, even while they're railing coke in front of me and he's getting shit-faced. Even after I told him before he even asked me to be his girlfriend how much that bothered me. Even after he promised me he wouldn't get completely shit-faced anymore. I put up with all of it because I just wanted to be with him. And I was willing to do this whole long-distance thing with him even though the only reason he was leaving was to be in a band with his friends for the summer. Of course I'd like to be enough reason to stay here for the summer than some band that doesn't exist yet and will end when the summer is over anyway, but you can't have everything, right? Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent...my point is I feel like I've bent over backwards in this relationship, and while I care about Gavin immensely, I can't think of one thing he's gone out of his way to do for me. And I've never complained about it and never asked him to do something about it until tonight. And he completely disappointed me. Actually, disappointment isn't even a harsh enough word for it.

But no, I guess I should be more understanding when Gavin would rather spend his last two hours awake in NYC with his friends. After all, they're the ones who sat and watched someone punch Gavin repeatedly in the face instead of trying to do something about it. And they're the ones who used Gavin's land line to call their coke dealer and then told him where Gavin lived even though he wanted nothing to do with that. I mean, with considerate friends like that, I can totally understand why you'd chose them over me. I'm just the girl who loves you and makes an effort to show you every chance I get. Why on earth would you want to spend time alone with me at all? I really do wonder.

Well tomorrow night I plan on getting shit-faced with Carlos and singing karaoke to Morrissey. Gavin's not the only one who can be irresponsible.

Gavin leaves Friday. I couldn't even enjoy my time with him last night because I was too busy crying. The only thing that finally stopped me was fatigue. Then I woke up this morning, took one look at Gavin and started crying again. Then I went to work and cried more. But my cheeks have finally dried and I feel somewhat stable again. My eyes are a bit swollen though. I really wish he wouldn't go. I don't really agree with his reasons for leaving. And it doesn't seem fair to me, especially when it's making me feel like this. I don't know. I guess I'll see how things are going by July. I'd like for him to move back to NYC then. But I won't know until then if that's plausible. But if I still feel this way about being apart from him by then, then I don't think it's plausible for me to continue on like this if it's hurting me so much. I'm really looking forward to spending close to two weeks with him starting on my birthday though. Who knows, maybe I'll appreciate the time away from him after that.

My new roommate moves in this Saturday. I keep forgetting to mention her. She's the first and only person I interviewed. We clicked right away and I didn't see the point in interviewing a bunch of other people only to disappoint all but one. Her name is Emily, too. Which is also part of the reason I chose her. But she's Emily A., I'm Emily B. Thankfully she's moving in the day after Gavin's leaving. That way I won't be so lonely.

Ack I haven't written in forever. I've been so busy with school, and on the weekends I've been trying to spend as much time with Gavin as possible before he moves to stinkin' Virginia. Well anyway, I saw Morrissey play at the Apollo Theater three times last week. All the shows were really great, but the last one was the best because I had floor seats. So of course I rushed the stage and got to hold Morrissey's hand during the last song. Nothing beats that.

As far as school goes, I've been going absolutely crazy trying to get all my labs done for Instrumental Analysis. By some miracle I was able to get everything done and hand it in on Thursday. But all the stress got me sick and I had to leave lab early on Tuesday due to a fever...a fever which didn't subside until after I handed in my labs yesterday. Coincidence? Probably not. Well, I suppose it's my fault for skipping lab for almost three months and then having to rush to complete all six of them in one month. Oh well.

I took my mom horseback riding in Prospect Park for Mother's Day. Then we got a pedicure together and went for ice cream. At night I took her to some French restaurant for dinner in Cobble Hill. We had a nice time. Well, more importantly, she had a nice time. I was really tired from watching movies with Gavin until 4 in the morning the previous night.

So I'm pretty sure this is my last weekend with Gavin before he moves. Not happy about that at all. I'm getting all weepy when I think about it. These past two months flew by. It's going to be such a big adjustment for me to not see him every weekend. It's almost like we're breaking up. Well, it's not that bad, but the whole not seeing each other thing is. Last night when I started the waterworks, Gavin tried to assure me that the time we'll be apart isn't that long. But three months is awhile. Yeah, we'll see each other in between, but it still sucks! But I love him, which is why I'm willing to wait for him.

Morrissey, Morrissey, Morrissey. Lab work, lab work, lab work. Not enough time with Gavin this weekend. Horseback riding with my mom for Mother's Day. Boo: rain. Yay: Singin' In The Rain. Bedtime.

New month--fresh start...I hope. This certainly has been a trying week. Stressed with work, stressed with school, stressed with my personal life. There was no escaping it. However, work should begin to slow down and become boring once again next week. School work is still stressing me out, but I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's a really long tunnel and a very faint light, but it's still there...I think.

My personal life is starting to get back to normal. I wish I could forget everything that's happened since Wednesday night; it'd just make everything so much easier. Anyway, I decided to stay with Gavin. And I can see the look on people's faces as they read that: "you idiot". Maybe so. But it's my decision. My life. My possible mistake...or not. I know if the same situation had happened to any of my friends, I'd be pissed if they made the same decision I did. In fact the same situation has happened to a friend and I was pissed. But now it's different because it's happened to me. And while I suppose that makes me a hypocrite, then so be it. No one knows how I feel when I am with Gavin. No one knows what we have together except us. Had that feeling not outweighed my feelings of anger, hurt and disgust, then I would have ended it. But it did. So be it on my head now if I end up regretting this decision. And all those who disagreed with it in the first place can be the first to say "I told you so" if that'll make you feel better.

Actually there really hasn't been too much objection on my friends' part...mainly because I only told one person so far. But I know the others will react the same way she did. And I suppose I am a little disgusted with myself as well for taking him back. I guess I feel a little weak. But just being with him over the weekend made me almost certain I made the right decision. Thoughts of the incident keep sneaking into my head though. And I'm beginning to form imagery of the whole thing as well. It all makes me sick to my stomach. I hope that it hurts less over time.

Gavin's going away soon, too. That's a whole other headache. But we were talking about it tonight, and it's actually starting to look like it won't be that bad. I'm staying with him for a week and a half starting on my birthday in June. Then I probably won't see him for the rest of the month, which will really fucking suck. But when he gets back from vacation in July, I'll probably see him periodically throughout the month. And we just started talking about possibly going on vacation together sometime during the last half of the summer. It's just talk right now. But it'd be great if it actually formulated into a real plan. Anyway, that made me feel a bit less ill at ease. I still feel rather emotionally unstable on the whole, but I think things will be ok.