3*25*04

I was just being a dork and reading a Dawn of the Dead message board on imdb.com.  It got me all pumped to see it again.  Hopefully Gavin won't have seen it by the time he gets home.  If he has I'm sure I can drag someone else to see it. Like my mom.  I'll tell her it's the feel good movie of  the year.  I bet she'd walk out on it...crying.  I've also been obsessing with Strangers with Candy recently.  I rented the first season from Netflix.  That show is brilliant.  Brilliant I tell you!  Supposedly a movie is in the works.  Should be interesting.

My cold is 90% gone.  I've missed breathing.  Hopefully drinking with Dima tomorrow night won't cause me to relapse.  I haven't hung out with him since last summer, so I'm looking forward to seeing him.  Don't know what the rest of the weekend has in store for me.  Planned on running some errands Saturday...on my bicycle.  At least my lack of a car will get me some much-needed exercise.   I couldn't run at school all week because I was feeling so ill.  As far as my car is concerned, things haven't really changed.  I can't file an insurance claim until the police get off their ass and type up my accident report.  I was on the phone talking in circles with a cop the other day and I started crying because I was so frustrated.  Then he was like, "Why are you crying!?  It's just a car!"  If I could have stuck my leg through the phone to kick him in the head, I swear I would have.  I just want this to be over.  I don't want to deal with it anymore.  I have bigger fish to fry.

Sometimes I go and read over what I've wrote in the past.  Actually I do it all the time.  Most of the time I find myself shaking my head and thinking "why did you write that?"  Sometimes, like this month, I come off as sounding so hostile.  I don't really think I'm that bad.  But really, it somewhat surprises me that people read what I write in here and still want to meet me.  I can be really crazy!  It's not really my fault though, it's society's.  You only have yourselves to blame for my problems.

3*20*04

It's 6 in the morning.  I've been up since 4:30.  I'm having difficulty getting back into my normal sleeping pattern.  Plus I have a stinkin' cold.  I guess the combination of sleep deprivation and second hand smoke inhalation at bars took its toll.  I saw Dawn of the Dead with Geoff last night.  I loved it.  It was everything I had hoped for and more.  I even managed to enjoy it despite the fact some idiot brought their crying infant to see it.  Fucking get a baby sitter.  If you can't find one or afford one, then don't leave the house with your annoying, crying infant.  It was your decision to have the thing, why should I have to suffer for your mistake?  I shouldn't!  The end of your pre-baby social life is punishment for choosing the path of parenthood.  Deal with it.  I'm so compassionate.

I don't think I'm overanalyzing things really, but I am semi-paranoid about Gavin.  I don't hide the fact that I meet people online in real life quite often.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with it because I like meeting new people.  I do not, however, meet people to make out.  Not to say that that hasn't happened.  But it's only happened a few times and in almost all cases I ended up in a relationship with the person.  And it's never happened the first time I met the person.  My point being I don't meet people just to hook up with them.   It's not my thing.  But I feel like the minute I tell someone I meet people online they think this is the case.  Just because they give me the "oh you're one of those" look.  Anyway, I was just worrying that Gavin thought he was just another online hook up for me to add to the list.  And, if I can help it, I'd rather he not be just that. 

Ok I think I'll try to go to bed again.  After I look for Rachael's Nyquil.

3*20*04

Above is what I discovered at 8 o'clock this morning when I went to retrieve my car from the parking spot I had left it at in Williamsburg.  My pretty, little Honda was in horrid, little pieces all over the road.   So I called  911and they sent over an extremely useless cop who told me what I pretty much could've figured out myself--someone had crashed into my car while it was parked.  He said all I could do was call the police station later on to see what had happened.  I remained surprisingly calm though.  I  figured there wasn't a whole hell of a lot else I could do.  As I was walking back to the subway station to return to Manhattan to take my subway back home,  it hit me that I had left my house keys in the car.  Which meant I had to first take the subway to Harlem to get Rachael's house keys from her.  I went inside a diner and called her to let her know what had happened, and then proceeded to cry in front of a bunch of strangers.  Not so much because of my car, it's just a thing.  I was more upset that it was after 8 in the morning and I hadn't slept in over 24 hours.  I was counting on my car to be where I left it to take me swiftly home to my bed.  But instead I had to go through 2 hours of subway hell and my mom giving me attitude on the phone for something that was in no way, shape or form my fault.

So after 3 hours of sleep, I called everyone I needed to talk to regarding what I need to do about my car.  I won't get into details because they're not that exciting, but basically at 5 this morning some drunk fuckhead smashed into my car, causing it to smash into the car parked in front of it.  The parked car went on top of my car and smashed my windshield.  The crash also caused my rear driver's side to be impacted into the front of the car.  So my car's fucked.  They arrested the woman who hit it, so her insurance will cover all of this...so they say.

I've been running a lot of "what if" scenarios through my head.  For instance, what if I just took the subway from my apartment into Manhattan instead of trying to save time by driving into Williamsburg and  taking the L  in?  I ended up  wasting more time on the subway than I ever have anyway.  What if I parked at the other end of the street?  What if I had just stayed home?  But then I thought, what if I had decided not to hang out with Gavin and his friends after the bars  closed?  What if  I had just gone home then?  Then there's a possibility I could have been sitting in my car when that crazy bitch hit it.  It's so strange what a difference all the seemingly insignificant things that we do in life can make.

But I don't regret going out last night at all.  And I refuse to be boggled down by "what if" scenarios because it won't change what happened.  Besides, I think hanging out with Gavin is worth a slight disruption in my normal sleeping pattern.  

3*19*04

I'm so tired. I'm at work and I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment and smack my face into the computer. And since my boss is a wiener, he'll most likely not let me go home early. In any case, staying out late last night was definitely worth it. I had a date with a myspacester, Gavin, whom I didn't know much about and barely talked with beforehand. He asked me to go see a 3D movie with him out of the blue last week. Ordinarily I'd probably have been hesitant, but it was a 3D movie! No one says no to 3D...unless it's Spy Kids 3. Anyway, I didn't really know what to expect. I had thought he'd probably be stuck up like 95% of the other people in NYC, but he wasn't at all. He was really nice. And very sweet. After the movie, we stopped at the Remote Lounge where I proceeded to make an ass out of myself singing karaoke in front of Gavin and his friends who had joined us there. After that embarrassment, we headed to some other bar to shoot virtual deer. Gavin and I ended up kissing there. He's a good kisser! About friggen time. So, needless to say, I had a really good time. We're meeting tonight because he wanted to see me again before he left for Virginia for a week. AND I'm not overanalyzing anything yet! Which is really amazing for me.

What a flip flop this entry is from my last one. Interesting, no? Yes!

3*14*04

So after I wrote that thing about CD, they im'ed me 10 minutes later to discuss it with me.  Nothing bad happened really.  Anyway, I've decided to try and write more openly...using initials.   Not really because of that, but because I want to! Deal with it.

I'm feeling a little down.  I was on myspace and I clicked on JF's profile so I could message him and ask him to see Dawn of the Dead with me on Friday.  We haven't hung out since we broke up, and I'm at the point, and I've been there for quite some time, where I feel fine just being friends with him.  Anyway, after I messaged him I realized he had a new picture up.  Upon closer observation I realized it was a picture of him lying in bed with some girl who was kissing his cheek.  And there were several other pictures of him on the same bed.  And I know it wasn't his bed.  Now I didn't expect him never to date after me, but I would have liked not to have seen that.  I didn't need to see that.  It hurt to see it.  It hurt because he had said he couldn't handle being  with someone right now because he had all this shit going on with school.  Which obviously wasn't the real issue.  It hurt because I am still single and feel as though I'll never ever meet someone on the same wavelength as me.  I'm feeling VERY pessimistic about that.  And I went through the same thing with Rob after we broke up.  He found  someone else within two months.  And he still likes them and wants to be with them if it weren't for the fact she lived in Boston.  It makes me feel so replaceable.  I feel like I'm just the stepping  stone towards the right girl.  I don't feel like I'm the kind of girl men become smitten with.  I feel...really....lonely.  Not to the point of desperation, but  I'm very frustrated and growing increasingly jaded.  When do I get to have someone fall madly in love with me and treat me the right way?  FUCKING WHEN!?  I deserve it goddamn it!  Fuck.

Sooooo, the Miss Kittin thing was fun. Rory and I danced so hard that we were extremely exhausted before 1 AM.   After Miss Kittin's set, I went up to her and told her I was so happy she came to NYC and it was lovely to hear her DJ.  She told me she'd be back in July and it'd be better.  She talked to me!  Lil ol' me.  Then Rory made up some lie to her about how he's writing his thesis on her.  He was drunk.  Friggen nut.  Rory and  I still had to kill time until 5 AM when he had to catch his train back to Philly.  But we were both so tired we didn't want to do anything.  So we ended up sitting in a bar basically just staring at each other and saying something witty every now and then.  Finally he went to Penn Station around 4 and I went home.  He called me this afternoon and told me he started crying while he was waiting for the train because he was thinking about how much he'd miss me when he moves to Los Angeles in June.   And because he was drunk.  I don't even want to think about him moving right now.  It's too tragic.  What's a fag hag without her fag? 

3*12*04

So I thought I'd stay in tonight and watch a chipper movie with the cats.  So now that I'm done watching Schindler's List, I have mascara stains down my cheeks and my left eye stings from a mascara pool that formed in it while I was crying laying on one side.  Long movie, good though.  Anyway, by some miracle, Rory managed to get off work tomorrow night and he's coming with me to see Miss Kittin DJ at some new place called Volume in Williamsburg.  So not even Schindler's List can make me sad now that I know that bit of good news.

I erased everything on my computer and installed Windows XP last night.  I like my computer so much better.  Now I just wish the keys would work right.  I'm in such a good mood!  I was so down last week.  I think it may have something to do with going back on the pill after a four month hiatus.  Which may also explain why I've been eating non-stop lately.  Tomorrow I'm going to try and run the whole way around Prospect Park to make up for that a little bit though.  That's 3.3 miles.  I've been running about 2.8 miles in 35 minutes on the treadmill at school.  So there's a remote possibility I may be able to complete this run.  What would be even more fabulous than completing the run would be if I had my friggen Ipod!!  Those a-holes at Apple are taking forever and a day to get me my goods.  But I guess all I can do is wait. 

There's another website I look at on occasion--at first because I liked it stylistically and wanted to steal ideas from it, but now I find myself reading the girl's online journal.  She wrote something the other day about how she tried to live by the saying "dance like no one's watching" when it comes to writing in her journal.  And I really admire that...mostly because I don't feel as if I can do that.  Mainly because I'm pretty sure I'll get shit from my friends when I write about them.  I could use initials instead of names, but I'm pretty sure they'll still know if I'm talking about them.  For example, it annoys the crap out of me when I'm talking about a computer-related issue with CD, and they always feel the need to offer me advice even though I didn't ask for it and have the situation under control.  And I know they're trying to be helpful, but in general I feel like most people don't think I know anything about computers because I'm a girl and I didn't go to school for it.  However, I've been working with Adobe Photoshop for at least 6 years and I think I have a pretty good handle on it.  I'm also pretty good at solving technical problems I have with my computer being that I practically spend my life on this thing.  So anyway, it bothers me when people act like they're the computer oracle and have all the answers to all the questions I never asked.  So yeah, now CD will read that and probably get pissed.  But this is my experiment in writing like no one's reading.  We'll see how it goes.

3*10*04

Someone--anyone--PLEASE GO SEE MISS KITTIN WITH ME ON SATURDAY NIGHT!  I have to go.  I don't know what'll happen if I don't.  I may implode.  Why does stupid Rory have to live in stupid Philly?!  Why don't I know anyone else who loves Miss Kittin!?  Blarg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  $#$%#$@$%&

3*06*04

It's Saturday night, I should be out!  But I couldn't find anyone to go out with.  And I wasn't at the point of desperation that I'd call people I didn't really want to hang out with just to get out of the apartment.  A couple came over tonight and took my newfound kitten from me :(  For the entire beginning of the week all I heard was constant meowing coming from outside.  I'd lay awake at night listening to it and it would break my heart.  Rachael and I tried to see where it was coming from one night and saw some kittens for a second before they ran away from us.  Finally on Wednesday after class, I went on a mission to find the kitten and feed it or something so it'd stop crying.  I realized it was in my neighbor's backyard, and since I'm on friendly terms with him, I went back there to chat.  He helped me look for the kitten to no avail.  We had decided to give up when we heard it meow again.  My neighbor picked up an old, rusty pipe he had and looked through it and told me he couldn't see out the other end.  I looked through the other end and saw two glowing eyes staring back at me.  I got a box from his garage and put it at one end of the pipe, while he shook the pipe up and down until it spit out the kitten.  So I took her upstairs and fed and bathed her.  She's adorable.  And so sweet!  I named her Audrey for obvious reasons and made a page  to find prospective parents for her.  Rachael sent out an e-mail at her job to spread the word.  One couple was very enthusiastic about taking her...and they did.  They said they were just gonna come look at her tonight, but ended up wanting to take her as soon as they saw her.  And they were nice enough, so I know she's in good hands.  I'm just a little sad.  I would've kept her had no one else taken her.  I'm gonna miss you Audrey! 

Yes, I know I'm a crazy cat lady. 

This girl is a nerd, get me outta here