6*26*03

Yay I just got my cable modem installed. It's so fast. I also got my kittens last Saturday. I never mentioned that. One is all black and about 12 weeks old. The other is a black and gray tabby and just a little baby. They're real cute. But the black one always runs away from me.

I talked with Carlos for a while last night about relationships. I thought I had a negative attitude about relationships, but it turns out I was just being realistic. I always felt that if you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with the person you're dating, then it is undoubtebly going to end at some point, it's just a matter of when. I always felt that way with Rob and it made me nervous. I knew I really liked him and I wanted to be with him, but I also knew that it would most likely end at some point. I spent most of the relationship worrying about it. I don't know why. It's not like not being with Rob anymore is the end of the world. Anyway, Carlos was saying that I was right to think that way because people will always disappoint you and in the end you're all you've got. So you have to be careful who you reveal yourself to and make yourself vulnerable to. I of course was not careful and now I'm paying for it. I got so used to him being in my life and being there for me. And then it was all ripped away from me in the blink of an eye. And I'm still sitting here like "wha happened?"

Well, I guess Carlos's views are a little grim, although truthful. I feel like I should be extra cautious in the future. I hate that I have to play games and can't just tell people how I feel about them, because I love being open and expressing myself. But if it will save me from experiencing all these exhausting and depressing emotions next time, then that's what I'll have to do. I feel like I'm damaged goods now. I'll always be scared to open up to someone again. Thanks Rob.

6*25*03

So I'm meeting a guy for drinks on Friday that I've been talking to on Friendster. We both like horror movies and 50s stuff. Before I go, I'm doing this bike thing in Union Square with a bunch of other people. Basically they just ride through the streets on their bikes to piss off cars. My class ends this coming Monday. I'm getting very nervous I won't get the grade I need to have the credits transfer over to John Jay. We'll see.

I've been going through periods of depression all month. I fucking hate it. It's mostly because of Rob. And that makes me extremely angry at him for making me feel this way. But I called him on Sunday night and told him I'd like to try the whole friends thing because I missed talking to him. I thought it would make me feel better, and it did for a little bit. But now I realize we can't really be "friends", not like Melissa and I are, or Rachael and I are. He won't call me ever to see what's up and we'll probably never hang out. I know it will never be like that because I've done this whole "friendship" thing with two other ex's and I see them a handful of times a year. It feels like such a joke. And that depresses me. I'm just sitting at work right now thinking about why Rob and I broke up, which was basically because he stopped caring about me. And that feels so awful. I can't understand why someone could just stop feeling a certain way about someone so quickly. One week things were fine, the next everything was shot to hell.

I just hope things start looking up so I can forget all about Rob. I want him to be a distant memory and to feel numb whenever I think about him, which will be rarely. That's the way it's always gone in the past. It's just not happening at lightening speed, and that's what's driving me crazy.

6*20*03

My boss could come back any minute now, so I probably can't write for long. I just spoke with a woman in Brooklyn and arranged a meeting to go get two black kittens tomorrow! I'm so excited. My very own cats!

Yesterday I hung out with Rachael and her friends and went to some sale on 18th Street and 6th Avenue. It wasn't anything special. Then we went to this restaurant called Trailer Park. I really liked it. Very 50s-like. Then I walked all the way across town to meet Geoff at some bar in Alphabet City. He was the only person I knew there though, and he knew other people and couldn't talk to just me, so I ended up leaving soon after I got there.

More later, my boss just got back. Bah!

Ok so I'm in NJ now. I just hung out with my old boyfriend, Adam. He's a good guy. We went to this scary graveyard I used to bring people to to freak them out back when I still lived here. I have to bring Rachael there. It's so weird! We were too freaked out to get out of the car and explore though. Plus it was raining. Yeah so we weren't scared or anything, we just didn't want to get rained on. Uh huh. I'm so friggen tired. My brother is blasting crappy dance music and it's making me want to ram my head into a wall. I have to get up real early to drive back to Brooklyn and get the kitties. So I guess I'll be going to bed now.

6*17*03

I finally finished painting the tile on the kitchen wall pink and white. It only took 3 coats of paint and a tedious amount of time to individually paint each friggen tile. Word to the wise: never buy Behr paint...it always takes 3 coats for full coverage. My mom came over on Sunday to help me paint the wall behind my couch an obnoxious mustard color. She's the best. No one else can make me feel better like my mom when some shithead of a boyfriend has hurt me. She told me some funny stories about past boyfriends she had when she was my age. And since this all happened in the 70s they had funny names like Lance Fox. Since my car is in NJ right now getting fixed, I have no way of getting more stuff to fix up the apartment. So I've pretty much done everything I can do at this point. Now I have a few things left to keep me busy: 1-the internet, 2-joining the YMCA I just discovered nearby and running on the treadmill, 3-study for organic chemistry since it's over next week and my grades have been horrible all semester. Guess which one I'm doing now. Go ahead, guess! I can't bring myself to study right now (or ever). But I do want to check out that gym sometime soon. I was so good about working out for the first half of last year. Then I went to Spain for a week and I haven't really been back to the gym since. Damn Spaniards ruined me! Anyway, I want to get in shape and start dating. I never really did that dating business enough. I just jump into long-term things, whether they be serious or not. I want to get dressed up and go out to dinner with some random guy and have a good conversation and then say thank you, good night, and never talk to them again. Then I want to do it all over again the next night with someone new, maybe even the same night! Um, so basically what I just described there was dating. For all those unclear of what it was, now you know. So that's all the stuff I want to do after class is over at the end of the month. Until then, I officially declare Organic Chemistry as being too difficult and boring, and I hate it!

6*14*03

So Rob and I broke up for real this time. Instead of being a weepy mess on the phone, I said a bunch of mean things, some of which I meant. I'd rather be angry and screaming than crying, depressed and needy sounding. I've been crying over him way too much lately anyhow. It's tearing me apart--I can't have it anymore. I need to move on. I told him this whole relationship was a waste and the only thing I got out of it was the bike he got me for my birthday. And that upset him, but I felt like it was the truth. I'm sure somewhere down the road I can look back and realize some things I gained from this relationship, good or bad. But right now whatever good times I had with him seem far outweighed by the shit he's put me through the past three weeks. I don't feel like any of what we had was worth the way I feel right now. We never had an all that perfect relationship from the start anyway. But I always tried to make it work because he said he cared about me and "loved" me. And at the time I figured that's all that really mattered. I stuck with him through all our problems because I liked feeling cared about and I thought I cared about him. But if he really didn't want to hurt me, as he so graciously said the reason for him breaking up with me was, then he should have let me dump him when I did the first two months into the relationship. True I was upset for a few days back then, but I would have gotten over him in a week tops. But he wouldn't let it go at that because he "cared about me" and even though we obviously weren't working out, he wanted us to stay together for the sake of his feelings. And I did because I'm an idiot. And I grew to feel so strongly about him that apparently my emotions suddenly overpowered his own feeling for me and that was too much for him to handle. Fucking selfish coward. Unfortunately I still care about him, so this isn't easy for me and I'm very hurt. I know that things are going to be ok though. They always turn out ok. I had a life before Rob, and I will have one after him. And someday, when he has grown up a bit, he'll realize how badly he acted, and that he threw away something that could have been great if he had only been mature enough to handle any of it. But I won't be waiting around for that day to come.

6*12*03

I'm not a poet, so I'm taking this from someone who is. What I want to say:

if i could do it again i'd do it differently...these past few weeks have been hard, and i just sit here and tell myself that it will work out in the end, always fooling ourselves these times of watered eyes, i feel selfish having desires, you'll have to excuse me because i'm so selfish, i just realize there're some things i need... i never believed in much but i believed in you, surrendered everything but you're not listening, if i would have known this yesterday...because forever lasts a moment...

6*08*03

It's a little past midnight on Sunday morning. I've been feeling depressed almost all day (Saturday). I've been trying to blame it on the rain, but I know it's not the weather's fault entirely. I just feel so drained. Last week was so awful. Things I thought that I had and made me happy to have suddenly changed. First Rob and I broke up and I cried for what seemed like a whole day straight. Then we got back together but I felt like he only decided not to break up because watching me cry was too difficult for him. Now it feels like everything is different between us. I feel like Rob is different towards me...and I hate it and it makes me want to tear my hair out. Then I found out (on my birthday) that my good friend Rachael has decided not to move in with me after all. She felt bad and said she'd pay for her half of the rent until I found a roommate. She took me out later that night and I could tell she felt horrible about it and I'm not mad at her. It was just a lot to handle on top of the other shit with Rob and having my apartment in disarray with Bexx moving her shit out and what not.

I haven't been able to get in touch with Rory for the longest time and I need to talk to him so bad. Melissa didn't call me on my birthday and still hadn't called me today with a belated Happy Birthday wish, so I left a message on her machine telling her off. I don't need friends who are gonna ditch me the first chance they get. I don't care how long we've been friends. It's fucked up and I'm not a doormat.

So Rob took me out Friday night for my birthday. It was really nice; it'd have been nicer if I didn't feel like he didn't want to be with me, but hey you can't have everything, right? I didn't start to feel like things were remotely ok between us until we went bicycle hunting Saturday morning. I found the bike I wanted but I couldn't get it today cuz the guys at the shop were being fuckheads. Anyway, before we knew we couldn't get it until later on in the week, we were waiting in Rob's car for the bike to be ready. I reached over and hugged Rob--it was the first time I felt like he actually might have wanted me to hug him in a week. I don't know what to do. Rachael had this long relationship/Rob talk with me on my birthday and I felt myself holding back tears the whole time. She gave me advice and everything she said made sense and I knew she was right, which was why I wanted to cry. What she said kept echoing in my head when I was with Rob Friday night. I just kept thinking: "If things continue with him acting so empty towards me, we are going to have to break up. It's tearing me apart to feel like I'm with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I deserve better. Why am I putting myself through this? etc." But then I felt like maybe I was wrong today. I'm not sure about anything. I just know that I don't like where I am right now and ever since Rob dropped me back home this afternoon I've been fucking missing him so much it's choking me. I just want to be with the person I love and have them want to be with me too. I know it sounds so simple, but it's not.

6*02*03

Ok, so after many tears and confusion, Rob and I got back together. I was right to be mad at him for not helping me when I needed him, but I shouldn't have broken up with him over something like that. My mom made me realize that. So I called him last night and tried to make things better. It didn't work out very well, so he came over today and we talked more. Things aren't all better now, but right now I'm just happy we're still together. Anyway, my eyes are swollen and achey, and I'm emotionally exhausted, so I'm off to bed. Unfortunately I have to get up at 4:30 AM to study for my Organic Chemistry test. Arg! Will this science nightmare ever be over?

This girl is a nerd, get me outta here