|
7*29*04 I'm getting an ibook this weekend! Jealous? You should be. Mwahahahahaha. 7*28*04 I have 20 minutes to kill before I leave for work. I feel like shit. I woke up yesterday morning with a bad hangover and a cold that won't go away. Well, I couldn't be expected to do punk rock karaoke sober. Not after I saw the size of the crowd anyway. I signed up for the Misfits' Last Caress, but some guy got on stage and stole my song out of no where! I was really pissed because I had been planning on singing that ever since Courtney and I made plans to go to karaoke. So after he was done, I pushed my way through the crowd to yell at him. Then I signed up for Bad Brains' Banned in DC. I think I did ok. Then again, put a few drinks in me and I'll think I can sing just like HR. Somehow a couple of ten-year olds got into the bar and got up and sang Metallica's Enter Sandman. They sucked but were cute nonetheless, and the one kid was a pretty good headbanger. But Courtney didn't get to sing, so we're gonna go back next week. There's a whole bunch of movies coming out that I want to see. Well, three to be exact: The Garden State, A Dirty Shame (new John Waters' film!), and Alien vs. Predator. In other non-related matters, last Friday my boss tried to give me a "bonus" of $25 and told me that I had to spend it on a dress and I had to buy it on his block...and he wanted to come with me to buy it. He's fuckin nuts. I said thanks but no thanks. Why do I still work there? 7*25*04
I had so much fun last night. First Courtney and I saw the re-release of Donnie Darko in Times Square. I personally thought the additional scenes and effects were unnecessary. Since Courtney had never seen the original, she had no qualms about this version. She really liked it actually. I've never seen a movie with someone who has such intense reactions. When the evil bunny first came on the screen Courtney gasped in horror pretty loud. It was funny. Afterwards we went looking for bars in the east village. We went to about four different bars but spent the majority of the night at a place called The Hole, which was a real shit hole. But I had the most fun there. Some random guy fell on my lap while Courtney and I were sitting on a filthy couch. We ended up hanging out with him and his friends for the rest of the night. They were kinda dorky but funny. I got home around 5 AM. I almost missed my subway stop but luckily my snoring woke me up just before I got there. So Courtney is pretty friggen awesome. She's been doing improv at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater for over a year. She's pretty sharp witted, which is one of the most important qualities I look for in a friend. Plus she looks like Bjork. And we like to hang out at the same places. So is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship? We'll see. We're gonna do punk rock karaoke tomorrow night. I really needed to get out and have fun last night. I was feeling so down beforehand. But the fun I had last night left me feeling pretty upbeat all day today. Even when my stupid neighbor told me I can't keep my bike in his garage anymore. Asshole. 7*24*04 I'm finally using myspace for something other than dating purposes. Tonight I'm meeting up with a girl I messaged on there the other day. We're going to see the director's cut of Donnie Darko and then go to whatever bars beckon to us afterwards. I have to get to the theater early though because they decided to be jerks and not make tickets available online. I've seen this movie at least 5 times already. Plus I've already watched all the deleted scenes. So I'm wondering if I'll even be surprised by this "new" version. All my friends either live too far away or are in relationships. Or we just don't like to do the same things on the weekend. Or both. So that's why I'm actually trying to remedy my problem rather than be sad about it. Today is so gloomy. I was watching M before. It's part of the Criterion Collection. It's a German flick made in 1931 about some loon who goes around killing kids. So far it's pretty good. I started getting sleepy while watching it though, and decided to take a nap. But when I actually attempted to do so my brain released a flood of thoughts. If I had the ability to erase my memories of Gavin like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I wonder if I'd do it. I wouldn't be feeling the way I do now, that's for sure. But I guess in the end there's a lot of things I'd still like to remember. Perhaps hanging out with him again on Thursday wasn't the best move if I have any intentions of ever getting over this. Maybe I'm just a masochist. I dunno. By the time school starts I probably won't even be thinking about this as much except to be regretful of how much time I've wasted being upset about this. I just wish I had a way of speeding that day up. Whodda thunk I'd actually want school to start again? 7*23*04 My last entry was the result of coming home at 2 AM drunk and upset. Not to say I didn't necessarily mean everything I wrote, but perhaps I shouldn't have used the word 'fuck' so much. And maybe I could have been a little less dramatic. But where's the fun in that? I just got to work. I have such dark circles under my eyes it looks like I was punched. I'm SO tired. Too tired to even be mean to my boss. Unless I find other plans, I'm most likely going to NJ tomorrow night to hang out with Katrina. A two hour train ride just so I don't sit home on a Saturday night. Crazy. My roommate was playing Norah Jones this morning. I wanted to tear my ears off. When I think Norah Jones, I always think of what Jimmy Fallon once said about her in one of his weekend updates. He announced that she had just turned 23 (?) while her fans turned 50. Hehe. It was funnier when he said it...trust me. 7*23*04 I know everyone is so quick to judge--everyone who knows me and everyone who doesn't. But there is only one thing you have to know: I was in love and I was hurt, real bad. Maybe some of you can't relate to that and the feelings of utter sadness that come along with losing someone that you felt was really important to you. But I just don't give a shit anymore. Maybe Gavin wasn't the best person for me and I deserve better and blah blah...but I fucking loved him all the same for reasons no one but me could ever understand. And if I could just disregard these feelings and be happy, I would. If I need some fucking time to be hurt and grieve about this, then fuck you, I'll fucking cry my brains out until I feel as though I'm finished. All I can say is, after tonight, no one better fucking dare tell me to just get over this. I will take all the fucking time in the world I need to get over this. It affects no one but me, so mind your own fucking business. 7*20*04 I threw up this morning before I went to work. I haven't thrown up since I got too drunk back in January. I think it was maybe due to eating too much sushi (even though it was vegetarian) and having a vodka tonic before going to bed last night. Combine all that with the constant unrest I've been feeling these past few weeks and I guess it does a number on my stomach. I slept in a few more hours after that and now I'm at work. My stomach still feels uneasy though. I need to get this image of sushi floating in outer space out of my head. Why is it when I'm nauseous I always imagine the thing that will most likely make me vomit? At least my boss is being "nice" to me. He gave me a hug when I got in because I guess he thought that'd make me feel better, when in reality it made me more nauseous. One time I got nauseous on the subway. I was on the #6 heading downtown when it hit me. The doors had just closed at 51st Street, so I had to keep it in until the next stop. I was trying to picture large meadows of wheat blowing in the wind. After the longest three-minute ride, I ran off the train at Grand Central Station, hugged a garbage can and puked. For anyone who doesn't know, Grand Central Station is pretty friggen crowded. Luckily everyone ignored me...to the point where they were still throwing trash into the garbage can I had my head over. Bottles came inches from hitting me. Some people stopped to ask me for directions, to which I would reply in a most friendly manner, "Uh yeah I'm puking right now, sorry." Finally one guy got the cops for me. They seemed like they were gonna offer me a ride home, but when I told them I lived in Brooklyn, they gave me a plastic bag instead and wish me lucked. Bastards. I ended up having strep throat. That was not fun. After work I'm heading over to Melissa's. She's making me dinner...assuming I can stomach food by then. Then I'm most likely going to make her watch the Goonies since she's never seen it. Either that or we'll watch Strangers with Candy for the millionth time. God I love that show. 7*18*04 I'm trying to kill time before I go meet up with Geoff to see Metallica: Some Kind of Monster. I don't even like Metallica. But I wouldn't mind seeing them cry in therapy. Plus Geoff loves them, so it'll be worth seeing it for at least one of us if I end up hating it. Emily and I walked around the Union Square area for most of yesterday afternoon, plus we were out late the night before, so I needed to stay in last night. I watched some 70s horror flick and drank Southern Comfort. I don't usually drink that stuff, but I ran out of things to mix with vodka. It gave me a headache. Even though I was really too tired to go out last night, I still felt like I was missing something by staying in. Well, I'm sure I was. I just don't like staying in on a weekend night. Usually at some point in the night, right before I plan to go to bed, I start thinking about this whole break up and I get upset. Which is the reason I've been having trouble sleeping for the past two weeks. My boss gave me melatonin to help out. I think maybe it works. Well, it helps in making me fall asleep, but not getting over all this. I don't know what to do about that. I am going to try my best to get my internship in order tomorrow. And financial aid for next semester. Maybe I'll ride my bike around Manhattan if it's not raining. It's a nice thought that this upcoming fall is my last fall semester EVER! I can't wait to be completely financially independent. Speaking of money, my mom gave me money to buy a good bike lock when I went home last weekend. I didn't ask for it or anything, and even told her that I didn't really need one after she gave me the money, but she insisted. So I finally accepted it and thanked her. A minute later she says, "ya know, you're really spoiled." ?!?! Only my mom would do an act of "kindness" like giving a gift and then make me feel guilty about it. Sure, I'm more fortunate than others, but there are also a lot of people more fortunate than me. I pay for about 80% of all my expenses plus all of my college education. And had I the money to pay for all my expenses and go to school full time, I'd do it. But I don't. Anyway, I just fucking hate when she says stuff like that to me. It's not like I'm ungrateful about anything she's given me and she knows how I don't like taking money from her. She's a real brat sometimes. 7*16*04 Bahaha! Melissa just sent this to me and it's too funny to be kept from the rest of the world (make sure your volume is on!). You have to wait a minute for the hilarity. But it's well worth the wait! It occurred to me that I've never actually written what I do for a living. So I will tell all those that care. I am a personal assistant to this 76-year-old guy who runs a small publishing company and is president of an environmental group which leads walks around the shores of NYC every weekend. So my tasks consist of writing up grant applications, editing, researching, e-mailing, maintaining websites, reception, doing taxes, paying bills...on top of fighting with my boss constantly since he's senile and getting worse by the minute. He also tries to get me to clean his apartment since the office is out of his home. Lately he's been trying to get me to re-arrange his photos from the past 20 years. He's insane. Yet for some reason I've worked there for 3 years. On the plus side I get to be thanked in some of his books and maps we've made. On the down side my tolerance for my boss decreases with every breath. He nags at me constantly about the food I eat or don't eat, the guys I date, not talking to my father for over ten years, the clothes I wear, EVERYTHING! Half my time at work consists of me trying to control my fist from entering into the realm of his face. But I keep telling myself, "one more year of college, one more year of college..." He will rue the day he ever messed with Emily Brandt! Ok, time to get ready to go out. 7*16*04 I feel bad. Why you ask? Well, first of all, Gavin and I are still talking (that's not why I feel bad). We're on friendly terms and all. He e-mailed me pictures from his trip to Croatia a few days ago. About the last nine pictures were of some random girl. Now, I know we're not dating anymore, but we were dating while he was on that trip. Given that he's cheated on me before, and I have a general mistrust of anything he says related to him telling me he hasn't cheated on me since, I grew suspicious. I figured instead of letting it plague my thoughts for who knows how long, I'd just go straight to the source--Gavin--and ask him what the deal was. But I accidentally woke him up when I called only to pester him about a subject that's been beaten to death. He told me what the scenario was and it made sense and I felt stupid for asking. Then he got pissed I woke him up to ask him if he cheated on me for the millionth time. He asked if I was expecting a different answer every time I ask. And I guess I was. I don't think I've asked him since we broke up. I figured he'd have less at stake now to tell me the truth if he had cheated. But anyway, sorry Gavin. Work sucks. I hate my boss. What else is new. I did some revamping on my site. I can't think of a new title for this section. Or maybe I need a new title for the info section. I was looking through lyrics and couldn't come up with anything short enough. Meh. This site still needs more work, but it takes a lot of time for me to do these things. Especially on my laptop at home. It's powered by a mouse on a wheel. If everything goes well with school loans and such, I'll buy a new one in September. Maybe even a Mac. I've been a PC user forever though. It's hard for me to turn over to the dark side. I'm going out drinkin' with my roommate tonight. Melissa and I shot some pool at B-Sides last night. I had a good time. I'm still debating about whether I want to go to the Siren Festival tomorrow. I only really wanted to see Death Cab For Cutie. And I've already seen them live about 3 times, so it's not a terrible big deal if I miss them this time. They're too sad anyway. I just don't want to deal with that huge crowd and the heat. I did it one summer and I couldn't concentrate on anything but the huge sweat stains forming all over my poorly chosen shirt. I guess if I had actually gone to see a band and not meet up with Geoff I'd have not been so concerned with that. I need to get another David Sedaris book. I read Me Talk Pretty One Day and Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim in one week. He's an easy read. I need to get my ass moving on finding an internship too. My priorities are so out of whack. I'll spend a half a day updating my website but no time whatsoever on getting an internship which I need by September. Sometimes I wish I still lived with my mom so she can get on my ass about these things. Oooh the trials and tribulations of responsibility. 7*12*04
I just finished watching The Goonies with my roommate. I bought it today when I was in Bricktown along with Ravenous ($6!), Strangers With Candy Season 2, some B horror movies on one DVD and Franz Ferdinand (it was $8). I went to Brick Saturday night after my bike ride, which, by the way, I completed the whole 32 miles of. I couldn't sit right until today, but otherwise I wasn't too achy. Yesterday I hung out with my mom during the day and saw Spider-man 2. As I was watching the movie, I kept drawing parallels between Peter Parker's situation with Mary Jane and my situation with Gavin. Ready for this one? Here ya go: Peter Parker is having trouble with duality; he can't be a good student, keep a steady paying job and have Mary Jane while also being Spiderman. Sooooo, the parallel I drew was that Gavin had duality issues as well, except his life with the girl who loves him isn't hindered because he has to fight crime, or to do anything admirable for that matter, but to party 'til he passes out. Some parallel, Emily. Hehe. Last night I went to the boardwalk with Katrina and went on the ferris wheel with the cars that spin. That was fun. We hung out there for a bit and reminisced like a couple of old ladies about our summers spent there in high school. There was never anything else to do back then except sit at the benches on the boardwalk and make fun of tourists with about 15-20 of our friends. Then we'd all go to the diner. Then home. Same thing all summer long. I guess it could have been worse. As I was coming in to Point Pleasant on the train Saturday night, I just kept thinking how much I hated being back home. How I hate the people...everything. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone when I go home. And I know I sound like such a snob and probably act like it too to everyone there, but it's just SO different from NYC. They're two different worlds. It felt even more foreign this time than ever because I haven't really been back there since my car was totaled back in March. That's probably the longest I've ever spent away from there. And I didn't miss it. So you'd figure I'd be so happy to be back in Brooklyn now, but I still feel really out of sorts. I'm still trying to adjust to my situation with Gavin...the situation being that there is no situation. It's just over. And I'm trying really hard now to just come to terms with that and accept it. I didn't deserve to have my heart broken. I never did anything wrong. Everything just feels really unfair. And I know life's not fair and yadda yadda, but just because you hear that a million times all your life, it doesn't make it any easier to accept. But I don't want to spend too much time writing about Gavin anymore...at least not in this journal. I constantly contradict myself on the matter and even I get sick of it. I still need to write about it, just to get it all off my chest, so I'll save all that for the journal no one reads. I have mucho pictures to post. Some I got back from my trip to Virginia, some from my bike ride, some from the boardwalk. I'll post them above whenever I get a chance. 7*10*04 Are you a fucking hipster? Take the quiz, then send me your results. I got 43%. I'm awesome. I have my 32-mile bike ride in 2 hours. I'm a bit hung over and running on 4 hours of sleep, but I will triumph regardless. Look out Manhattan! 7*06*04 It seems I've taken to writing twice a day. There's just so much on my mind right now. I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't write it down. I was just on the phone with my mom telling her about my day. Then I was telling her how I don't want to listen to any music because everything I want to listen to is either too sad or reminds me of Gavin. So I've taken to reading a book. Only problem is I started reading it last night and I'm 2/3 of the way done already. Reading takes my mind off everything though, so I need to find another book ASAP. Then my mom went off on this stupid tangent about some stupid book she read. She told me the entire dumb plot. I wanted to tell her my battery was dying or I cut my finger off by accident to get off the phone. But I was a good daughter and patiently waited until she was done. Well, in her defense, she did make me feel better yesterday morning for a little bit. I never told her about my problems with Gavin before. After she learned about how drunk he gets, she said he sounded like he was an alcoholic and that it was better that we were apart because he needs to get help for that on his own. Only thing is, he doesn't want to get help. But anyway, I was telling her how I had just wanted him to cut back on the drinking and partying and he couldn't even do that for me. And she said that it wasn't because he didn't care about me enough to do it, but that he's just so addicted to it that he isn't capable of cutting back. That made me feel a little better. Just the thought of Gavin choosing something inanimate over me is so hurtful. But I think I can handle it better if I look at it the way my mom said. I dunno, another thing that bugs me is that Gavin has to get drunk to have a good time with his friends, but he was the most fun to me when he was sober. I just know that I prefer to be with people who prefer me as I really am instead of when I'm inebriated. I don't get this. I know I need to stop trying to rationalize his actions, because they don't make sense to me and they never will. All I know is that I care about him and I can't be with him and it hurts. But I also know it will get better, and I'm going to try and meet new people and try new things as much as possible now to help myself move on. I already made plans to go canoeing next weekend. And this Saturday Melissa and I are going to ride our bikes all the way around the shore of Manhattan, which is 32 miles (hope my tire isn't flat). But right now, since I just bought Mulholland Drive, I'm gonna go watch that. There's no way that's going to make me sad. 7*06*04 Yesterday was fucking awful. I thought I was losing my mind. I was so utterly sad it physically hurt. I was crying so hard I almost threw up. Finally I decided that I really wanted to see Gavin again before he left. He didn't think that was a good idea though. It probably wasn't, but I couldn't help wanting to see him. But he insisted we didn't, so I cried more and decided I needed to get the fuck out of my apartment. I met up with Melissa and we had dinner around the West Village since it was near where Melissa had to feed someone's cats. I text messaged Gavin afterwards to let him know I was near his neighborhood in hopes he'd change his mind about meeting up. He wrote back and said he was at a movie, so, with pathetic hopes of meeting up after his movie, I wandered around Manhattan with Melissa trying to kill 2 hours. I ended up reading in Union Square for a little bit until Gavin finally called me back. He stuck firmly to what he had said before though in that we shouldn't meet up. I wasn't trying to get back with him, I just wanted to see him one last time. I had waited over two weeks to see him, and when I finally got to it was to break up in a public space where I could barely show any emotion. I just felt like I needed closure...something. I really thought it would make me feel better. Anyway, I ignored what he said and walked over to his apartment anyway. I took him back twice after he did some pretty bad things, I felt the least he could do was just see me one last time. Anyway, he came outside and we sat near his building and just hugged for a while. It felt good to cry with him there to comfort me. Plus he actually reciprocated my tears. Not to say I wanted to see him cry, but up until then I felt like he didn't care about us ending as much as me. Anyway, that lasted for about a half hour, and I finally went home. I didn't really cry that much on the way back. I actually felt a little better after that. I'm really glad I didn't listen to him. Today I've been sorta ok. Every now and then I think about it all and I feel a pain swelling up in my chest and throat. It comes in waves. I almost feel like my eyes don't have any more tears left. But really it's just that I'm at work and I don't want to cry in front of my boss. Anyway, I've made plans every night for the rest of the week so I don't have much time to be alone. I don't enjoy wallowing in sadness. Ok, gotta go meet up with Chris now. 7*05*04 In a parallel universe where things went the way they should, I'd have met up with Gavin yesterday afternoon, discussed with him how I can't be in a relationship with him if he continues to party with his friends as much as he does, and he'd have told me that was totally something he'd be willing to do because what we have together was that important to him. But that didn't happen; instead he said that he really wants to party with his friends at this point in his life and he doesn't think he can dedicate the time and effort I deserve for this relationship because of that. It was all a very mutual break up; friendly-like even. And while I suppose it's good that we both finally realized this wouldn't work, it breaks my heart that for him I wasn't worth giving up something as stupid as partying all the time with his friends. That's the lamest reason for this not working. And I know it's because of how young he is. He said he wished he had met me when he was older. In fact I finished his sentence before he could because it's what I've constantly been thinking for the past three months. What hurts the most is that I know how fucking good we were together otherwise. But this issue has been bothering me for a while. I guess I stuck it out for as long as I did because I really believed that it would one day hit him that he was fucking everything up and he'd get his ass in gear. Good call, Emily. But I do feel as though a weight has been lifted off my chest. I've been thinking about having that talk with him for a week and half. I couldn't sleep because of it. It was consuming me; I felt like I was getting an ulcer. I mean, it had been something I was conscious of for a while, but only when we had no contact with each other these past few weeks was I really able to put things into perspective. So, I'm single...again. I think usually when I break up with someone I miss companionship more so than the person, but I can honestly say with Gavin that I will miss him. No more dating younger guys. I know I've said it ten times before, but this time I'm sticking to it...at least until I'm 25. At the age I'm at, I feel like the guys that are younger than me are at such a different stage in life than me. I know that seems like a harsh generalization, but Gavin is the 4th guy I've had a relationship with that was younger. Obviously the other ones didn't work out either. I feel like when I date younger guys I end up giving constant tutorials on how to be in a relationship. As if making a relationship work isn't work in itself, then I have to deal with that too? Nope, not doing that anymore. Not that dating is something I'm going to do right away, but I would like to again sometime this summer. I had fun dating last summer. And since getting into another relationship is definitely not something I'll want for a bit, dating is all that much more fun since I won't be constantly disappointed that I'm not meeting "the one". Aside from that, I had fun last night. I went to Emily's friend's party in Williamsburg. There were about 20-30 people there. I ate too much vegetarian sushi. Then we went up on the roof where another party was going on, and watched the fireworks at 42nd Street on the East River. Emily and I stayed for a few more hours after that. I got to lie in a hammock for the first time in years. And I got to witness some girls flip over in the hammock. Emily and I then walked to another apartment to meet up with her friend and his friends. Then we all went to two different bars, one of which I played Emily in a game of pool and lost because I scratched on the 8 ball : ( We got back here around 3:30 in the morning, just in time to get caught in the rain. Wasn't so bad though. Anyway, it's now 8:30 in the morning. I woke up an hour ago because I can't stop thinking. I was hoping that if I wrote everything down about what happened with Gavin that maybe it wouldn't be in my head so much and I can get back to sleep. I'll try sleeping again in a few minutes. I'll post pictures when I wake up. Ok here: 7*05*04 And rain sort of remains on the branches of a tree that will someday rule the Earth. And it's good that there is rain. It clears the month of your sorry rainbow expressions, and it clears the streets of the silent armies... Independence day indeed. I hope this rain washes away everything awful I'm feeling right now. Fuck. 7*03*04 Mmmm k, I got bored and changed my mind about taking pictures of my new haircut. Here ya go: 7*03*04 While I was waiting for the subway to work yesterday morning, a lemon fell out of the sky and landed next to me. What does it mean!? Got my hair cut today. Looks cute. I'd upload pictures except I don't feel like it. I'm suddenly tired. I'm supposed to go out with Emily tonight, but now she's waiting for some guy from Philly she's seeing to get in touch with her to meet up with us. I'm gonna feel like a third wheel. I should make more friends. I miss my boyfriend. My stomach doesn't feel right because of it. Really wish he was here. 7*02*04 I woke up at 5:30 this morning for some god awful reason and could not fall back asleep. I went out drinking with Melissa last night. Don't know if that had anything to do with it. My dye job came out ok. My roots are lighter than the rest of my head though. I was going to try to grow out what my mom did to my hair when she cut it a month ago, but I've decided I hate it too much to go on any longer looking like this. So, I am going to get it cut and start the growing out process all over again. Thanks mom! Actually, she said she'd pay for the haircut since she ruined it. So I can't be too mad at her. But I have lost all faith in her as my hairdresser. Oh well.
|
