|
04*27*11 I really should be asleep considering I have to be up at 9 to get ready for my first Brazilian wax, but I took a 3-hour nap earlier due to a bad headache. Things can turn around in the blink of an eye it seems. For good or for bad. Finally, this time it's the former. Cornell wants to hire me as an OR nurse! Assuming I'm all cleared to work, I could potentially start working May 23rd…but it seems more likely I'll start the beginning of July. Also, I'm leaving for Hawaii this Friday. Most last minute trip ever, but I have a 12-hour flight to figure out how I'm gonna spend it. I'm going to the Big Island for 8 days and staying with my friend from grade school. I'm ecstatic. Did I mention I get a whole floor of her house to myself with a balcony facing the ocean? I'm also finally starting to feel back to normal from the hormones/procedure (aside from my raging appetite). I'm gonna try running again when I'm in Hawaii, but in the meantime I took a wonderful bike ride today in the most perfect weather. Feeling pretty good about life right now. I guess things have to be pretty bad in order to appreciate when things turn around. In any case, next time I write I hope to have a wicked tan. 04*22*11 I'm whittling away at my already sparse supply of Xanax because I'm having so much trouble sleeping at night. It's a vicious cycle. I can't sleep at night, stay awake for hours doing things like updating my journal, finally fall asleep and have to wake up at some early hour for work-related things, then nap for a huge chunk of time during the day. Need to break the cycle! I actually did fall asleep tonight at a decent time, but my roommate coming in the door woke me up. There's almost never a time it doesn't wake me up. I know that's the tradeoff having my room right next to the front door, but it will always suck. Especially when I'm having such bad insomnia. Because I have yet to hear from any hospitals about a job, I have postponed buying a plane ticket for Hawaii and now the prices are crazy. I don't care though; I'm still going! What's an extra $200?! I've given myself a deadline of tomorrow to book this trip. It can't wait any longer! Also, I have a tattoo consultation tomorrow. I want to get a semi-old school rose on the top of each of my feet. I met a girl who had something similar (although at this point I can't remember what flower it was), and the colors were so bright and made her feet look so pretty. Yes, the smart thing to do with $10,000 (got $2000 from my tax return) is to go on vacation and get tattooed; screw that debt! I've been feeling really bloated the past few days and was getting worried maybe something was going wrong from the egg retrieval. I had an ultrasound today and it showed that my ovaries were so large they're touching each other, and I have fluid all around to the point where the NP could barely visualize my uterus. She said it was normal for an egg donor at this point, but if the bloating didn't get better I have to come in again next week. I most definitely cannot run though because she said with the size my ovaries are at now, it would be super easy for them to become twisted (ovarian torsion). The most reassuring thing, however, was finally getting my check for $8000. 04*17*11 I had my egg retrieval yesterday morning. I wasn't really nervous about it much. Prior to this I've never been a hospital patient, so it was quite a change, especially from being a nurse. Everything went fine prior to the surgery, then I got into the OR and positioned myself on their table. I remember them setting up around me, and I didn't really even notice that the anesthesiologist had given me anything, but the next thing I knew I was waking up in the recovery room with pretty bad cramps. I've never lost time like that. It was pretty incredible. They could have implanted kittens in me (as my roommate was hoping) and I'd have never known. There are a few other situations I can think of that I wish I slept through. Maybe I should be an anesthesiologist and make it happen. Anyway, I was enjoying apple juice and crackers after the procedure, then about 5 minutes later I felt extremely nauseous. I kept calling for a nurse but no one came, so I grabbed my empty apple juice container and threw up into that. However, the apple juice container did not turn out to be big enough to hold what I had to offer, so I then threw up all over myself. Then my head spun around. I felt like a child when the nurse finally came in and saw me sitting there with vomit all over me. I tried to explain and apologize (even though it wasn't really my fault). She was a good nurse though and didn't make me feel more embarrassed. I spent the rest of the day at home resting. I'm pretty sore where my ovaries are. Every time I cough, I feel pain there. Hopefully it feels a bit better tomorrow. One nurse told me it may feel worse, but I'm hoping she's an uninformed liar. They also said I won't feel completely back to normal for two weeks. F that! I want to run so bad it hurts. I feel so sedentary. I may try to go for a bike ride today if I'm not in too much pain. In any case, it was worth it for the $8000. I'm totally booking a flight to Hawaii once I figure out what the hell hospital is hiring me and when my start date is. Also, I think I'm gonna get a tattoo on the top of each of my feet. We'll see about that one. More immediately, I have to do my stupid taxes tomorrow even though I made something like $2000 last year. So annoying. 04*10*11 I have been avoiding the ex's copious media outlets for a bit now, but he posted a link to some Flickr photos on Facebook, so I perused the dumb things. Amongst the photos was a picture of a girl in bed taken about a month ago (and about a month after we broke up). It's curious to me; I mean, I'm not an idiot--it's probably some girl he's now seeing. However, I can't help but wonder if he met this person while we were dating. Prior to me he hadn't been with anyone in a year. I'm just a little surprised he found someone so quick. While I feel like I've progressed quite a bit from our stupid relationship, I can't help but feel a little wounded. Well, it's not like I'm not getting out there myself. I have a date with a Frenchman on Tuesday. There's also a few other promising people I'm talking with online. Finding decent dates is finally not an issue. I still have the last guy I saw on my mind though, but I'll have to see whether I even hear back from him when he gets back from L.A. I'm also trying to plan a trip to Hawaii the last week of this month. Everything really depends on whether I get hired at a hospital and when the start date is. If it's the beginning of May, then I'll be fine, but I'm worried they're going to want me to stick around to fill out paperwork and such. In any case, this will be the most last minute trip I've ever planned if it does pan out. 04*09*11 Had a good date on Sunday (not with the guy I last wrote about). Like usual, I rambled on and on about pointless crap and I wasn't sure if he was receptive to it or not, and I can't even pinpoint why exactly it was important to me that he was receptive. Nonetheless, we kept drinking and somewhere between him getting back from the bathroom and me going to the bathroom we started making out at the bar. Maybe it was his southern accent, or his tattoos, or his hair, or just the fact that he makes me feel pretty…I dunno. Whatever it was, he earned a one-way ticket back to my place. I hung out with him the next night as well before he left for L.A. Regardless if this goes nowhere, I had fun and it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. Started my hormones three days ago. I don't feel crazy at all…not yet, anyway. I feel calm even. I think I'm getting a little bloated though. I also have been battling strep throat most of the week. I haven't had it in 4-5 years, which is pretty impressive given I used to get it 3-4 times a year before that. I would sometimes get it when I kissed someone new; I don't think it had anything to do with them having strep throat as well. Probably something to do with them being a carrier of some benign bacteria strain that I'm super sensitive to and develops into something more in me. Anyway, that's probably why I got it this time. Thankfully I only have one more day of medication left and feel about 90% better today. I felt terrible Tuesday through Thursday afternoon, though. I may see an old friend this morning/afternoon, I have a wedding of an old eye-bank co-worker to go to early in the evening, then may go to my roommate's and her twin sister's birthday party (if they have one). Busy day, so I'm glad I'm feeling better. Really excited about the wedding. I haven't seen most of the eye-bankers in a few years. I can finally make an ass out of myself and not have to worry about seeing them on Monday! Also, had another interview at Cornell on Monday for an OR nursing position. I had a feeling it went well; they called me today and confirmed my suspicions. However, they want me to come in and shadow them in the OR next week before I make my decision. I feel really good about this. Dates and jobs abound! It took a while, but things seem to be turning around. 03*29*11 Probably not a good idea, but I'm going to go on a date with someone I'm 95% sure I went on a date with in 2002 just because I think it would be funny. It was actually one of the worst dates I've ever had. I'm thinking of this as a social experiment more than anything. I'm not particularly attracted to him and his OKCupid profile is lackluster to say the least. It irks me that he can't remember we went on a date because to me it was so weird, how could one forget it? I really want to know, because I'd like to forget it. Makes me wonder how bad his other dates were/are if that one wasn't so memorable. I had been talking to him online for a bit and he was living in Long Island. He took the LIRR to come see me and we ate at Red Bamboo in the West Village. I don't remember what about him I didn't like, but I knew at some point during dinner I wanted to get away from him. After we were done eating I told him I was going to go home and he complained that he had traveled kinda far to see me and I basically owed it to him to make the date last longer. Nowadays that shit wouldn't fly with me, but back then I was young and somewhat inexperienced in dating, and he made me feel guilty enough that I friggen invited him back home with me. The only reason I was going home in the first place was to escape him; why would I invite him back with me?! So stupid. Anyway, we took the hour-long subway ride back to my neighborhood, and I remember as we were walking to my apartment he pointed something out to my left. I looked over and saw nothing and then when I turned back to ask him what I was supposed to be looking at, his mouth was on mine. He tricked me into a kiss! The worst. Then we got back to my place and he tried to make out with me on my bed, but I somehow weaseled my way out of it after a little while and sat at my desk to use my computer. I remember he kept trying to drag me away from the screen and back onto the bed, but I kept saying I needed to be on the computer for some reason. In his defense, if I didn't want to make out or even be with him, why did I invite him back home with me? It's a good question. I just had no idea how to turn someone down I guess. Anyway, I finally left the room and asked my roommate to help me get rid of him. She came in the room five minutes after I got back and pretended to be mad at me because I had promised her we'd go to the 24-hour Home Depot. So I told him she was right and I should really drive him to the subway on our way to the Home Depot. I also just needed an excuse that would put her in the car with us so he couldn't kiss me again. I drove him to the subway, dropped him off, and turned right back around and went home. The worst part was his kisses were terrible and his mouth tasted like disease…which is most likely why I got strep throat the next day. Anyway, nowadays I'm a bit ballsier and now he lives in the same neighborhood, so escape should be easier. I'm all about dating guys with no potential at the moment. Mostly I just wanna get back out there and meet some new people and possibly pick up better bad date stories. 03*27*11 I was on my way to meet Carlos last night and found someone's wallet on the subway platform. This is the third time since September I've found someone's wallet. Kinda weird considering how I've never found anyone's wallet in my life prior to that. Anyway, I called him and we met up today so I could return it. I have such good wallet karma by now that I could probably lose my wallet on purpose and still get it back. Anyway, I was only looking through his wallet for his contact info initially, but then the train I needed to take got super delayed last night so I started rifling around for details. Then Carlos did the same thing when we met up. We both envisioned a romcom scenario where I'd meet this guy and we'd know we were soulmates when our hands touched like in Sleepless in Seattle. However, it was mostly just an awkward meeting and both of us were fishing for superficial banter before we fled from each other. That's the 10-minute romcom I'd pay to see. Unfortunately I didn't get the job I applied for at Cornell. I had a feeling that was the case but was hopeful nonetheless. Hopefully my mother never reads this, but I'm going to be donating my eggs in a few weeks. It's something I've been trying to do since September because $8,000 would be great, but the process took forever. I was beginning to think it would never happen until they called a few weeks ago and told me I had to start my hormone injections by the end of this week. I'm really nervous about how this is going to make me feel physically and emotionally. Physically I'm not allowed to run for two weeks which is a huge deal for me since I've been running 5 times a week. I'm worried this will set me back and that my stomach, along with my appetite, will grow. They didn't say I couldn't bicycle though, so I guess I'll just bike over the Williamsburg Bridge to sorta make up for it. Emotionally I haven't been doing so great lately anyway, so I'm worried I will turn into a raging lunatic (even more so). No one is safe. I wanted to make amends with my ex even though I didn't do anything wrong; I thought if we could just be friendly and have some sort of resolution to things, perhaps I won't spiral into insanity as much once the hormones kick in. However, he has not made that easy for me. I guess I'm not totally throwing in the towel on that one just yet, but more than likely I'll just have to find a way to deal with it on my own. If I had health insurance I'd just go to therapy everyday! I made the mistake of telling my mother about the egg donation thing back when I first started the process and she was surprisingly cool with it at first. Then she CC'ed me an e-mail she sent to almost everyone she knows telling them that I'm going to donate my eggs and get cancer if they couldn't come up with a nursing job for me. It was humiliating to say the least. I kindly told her to butt out, but mostly blamed myself for telling her in the first place. Ever since then I've just been telling her I'm not gonna do it. Had I got the Cornell job, I wouldn't have done it, but now I don't have much choice…especially since my workload is dwindling again at my current job. I know I'm swimming in debt, but having all that money on hand soon and given this shit year I've had so far, it's super tempting to go to Hawaii. I know it's not exactly the logical thing to do, but I think it would improve my state of mind. Also, one day soon I will have a nursing job and won't have the time to do this AND I have a friend who lives there but will be moving here by September. Granted we're not friends as much as old classmates from grade school, but her husband does something with hotels in Hawaii and she knows two of the islands well, so I may get a hook up one way or the other. The time is now! Or maybe later. We'll see. 03*20*11 Got to bed relatively late, but I can't sleep because I'm getting a new cat today! I hope it's not too soon and the cat's a right fit, etc. He's almost 2, a black and white tuxedo cat, and, from what I can tell from pictures, kinda obese. It's odd to get a cat I've never met, but the woman who's been fostering him has something like 15 cats living at her apartment and I think it's kind of a pigsty. The good thing is, I'm signing foster papers initially, so the next two weeks with him will just be on a trial basis. He'd have to be pretty nuts for me to want to return him. We shall see. I wanted to name him something odd and cute like Noodles, but while I was having dinner with Maeve and friends last week, Maeve suggested the name Batman. I said that was dumb and that I'd rather call him Bruce Wayne. Everyone paused and nodded in agreement even though I was half joking, so the name kinda stuck. I feel bad giving a cat who's had the name Prince for almost two years a new name; I'm sure he's gonna be traumatized as it is being ripped from his filthy home and thrust into the arms of a stranger, then I have to go and start calling him a new name to add to the confusion. Perhaps I'll gradually start calling him Bruce Wayne to soften the blow. My mom sent me an email the other day asking what I wanted for my birthday. I always want the same thing (manicure, pedicure and highlights at her salon), so I asked for the same yet again. She wrote back asking what else I want because this year was a big birthday. At first I didn't get her drift, but then I remembered I'm turning 30. I haven't given two craps that I'm turning 30 for as long as I can remember, but something about that e-mail made it hit me really hard. I guess I just haven't given it much thought in a while prior to the e-mail. Then when I did, I realized turning 30 is going to happen a bit differently than I had imagined. More specifically I won't be turning 30 with the person I had envisioned lasting longer with by my side. Yes, that again. Ayayay. One day soon I won't think of him as much as I do. Promise. Alright, time to prep for the Bruce Wayne! 03*12*11 I wish I could get over this break up already. It's been almost a month. He's probably over it. I think the rule of thumb is to divide how long you were with the person in half and that's how long it will take to get over them. So, if that's the case, I guess I have another month and a half to go. I just feel a dull pain in my chest every time I think about this. I really thought this would be something more than it was. I think just having been caught really off guard is what's making this so difficult. I've been running more than I've probably ever been able to the last few days. I'm really proud of myself. My goal is to run the whole 4.3 miles of my route eventually. I'm more than halfway there. Of course, if I get picked in the NYC Marathon lottery next month, I'm gonna have to up the goal a tad. I take some comfort in the fact that I have a 10% chance of being picked. But then part of me really really wants to run this, so maybe I'll look into running for a charity if I don't get picked. We shall see. After I run tomorrow morning, I'm riding my bike to meet up with a friend for brunch, then we're riding around Prospect Park. Haven't really done a long bike ride in a while. I'm hoping my running will have prepared me somewhat to conquer the steep hill on one side of the park. It's so defeating to have to get off and walk the bike. I shan't get off the bike damn it!!! 03*07*11 Unfortunately I did not walk out of therapy today feeling better. My therapist basically made me face a truth that I've been afraid to to admit to myself because it hurts too much. My ex didn't start treating me differently because he was depressed, he started treating me differently because he couldn't handle being in a relationship. The depression exacerbated things, I'm sure. But in the end it came down to a simple case of emotional immaturity. Of course this wouldn't be the first time I've dated a guy who was intensely into me and then got freaked out and pulled back, but this is the first time a guy was intensely into me for a whole three months before pulling back. In my experience, it's usually been anywhere from 2 weeks to a month or so that they're super interested and seem somewhat perfect. Inevitably their intensity can't be sustained and they withdrawal. I really didn't want to believe that something that seemed so special and different could be so disappointingly the same. The signs were there; he even said things to me at the end of January that should have clued me into what was going on. But I chose to believe it was the depression. The fact he put no effort into our relationship anymore and found barely any time to see me, and much more time for friends should have also clued me in. In the end, I think it did. I knew what he was doing was fucked up, but I still couldn't wrap my head around the reason for it. I'm too old to be dealing with this shit still. It's pathetic. While this is really difficult and painful for me to accept, it's at least something that is more final for me. I can't really say to myself anymore, "Oh, well one day he'll feel better and things might change." If someone doesn't want to be in a relationship, there's not much more that can be done. Could have done without him making me feel like shit for two months, though. 03*06*11 These background stars are a bit annoying. I liked them eight years ago, but now they're just obnoxious. On the other hand, I don't know if I care enough to change it. Met up with my ex on Friday night to return some stuff I had of his. I met him after his soccer game at McCarren Park. He thanked me for dropping it off and then asked how I was. I didn't really know how to answer that because I guess if you don't count being hurt from breaking up and being distraught over my cat's death, I'm just fine. I think I said I was ok. I asked him the same thing and he said he's the same (depressed) and was working too much and heading back to Seattle in a few weeks. We were both going in relatively the same direction; he was heading to the subway and I was walking back to my neighborhood to meet up with my roommate and her sister. We started walking out of the park together as we were talking, but then he stopped dead in his tracks rather unexpectedly and said, "Well, I won't keep you." I just said ok and bye a bit weirded out and walked away. I dunno, I thought that in addition to being very weird, it was hurtful. Would it have been so bad to walk four blocks together? Guess I'll never know. I also had hoped maybe we could at least have a better goodbye than the way things were left last time, but I think this one was even worse. Afterwards, I was thankfully able to catch the same bus that my roommate and her sister were on so I didn't have to walk back alone with my thoughts. We went drinking for a few hours at our favorite neighborhood bar, Black Rabbit. Then when I got home I finally did what I should have done weeks ago: delete my ex on Foursquare and unfollow him on Twitter. Sounds stupid, but it's really difficult to move on when you can constantly see where your ex is at any given moment. Also, I don't really need to know his every random thought in 140 characters or less. Charlie Sheen's Twitter feed will fill that void for now. My ex clearly has no desire to make amends and I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore anyway, and hasn't for at least a month, if not two. Part of me wonders if he just met someone else. I feel like since he was barely a shadow of the person I started dating by the end, I can't put anything past him at this point. Anyway, I digress. I think I've taken the necessary steps to move on now. Perhaps in a few more weeks I'll feel ready to date again. Despite this whole mess, there are positive things going on in my life. I am working consistently which means a consistent paycheck, I probably have a job interview at the end of this week at a nearby hospital and definitely have a job interview at Cornell at the end of the month. Also, I bought a cheap massage online last week and hope to use it this week. Aaaaand I have new running sneakers coming in the mail tomorrow, as well as a much-needed therapy session and a meet-up with three friends to view a Daily Show taping. Good times. 03*01*11 I picked my cat's ashes up last night. Being handed my beloved pet in a tiny tin was a little overwhelming. I ran outside the vet's office with my tin and my roommate, crying and not knowing what to do with the emotions I was feeling. So we walked for a bit and that seemed to help. I felt like I was dealing with his death a lot better once the first week had passed, but something clicked last weekend and I started feeling sad about it again. I've told the story of him being ill a dozen times, but last Sunday during brunch I broke out in tears while telling a friend. I think getting the voicemail from the vet's office the previous day saying his ashes were ready made me remember he was gone and it was for good. My poor, sweet little guy. I've been thinking of a quote recently that applies to my breakup. I was inside sick a few weekends ago and watched Eat, Pray, Love. I'm not exactly proud of this admission, but there was a part in the movie which I remembered reading in the book (another shameful admission) that rang true for me…that rings true for many of my relationships, actually. It's kinda long and I don't agree with the end of it, so I'm tailoring it for my needs: "Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted –an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore—despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere…because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you…shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration…looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion." That is exactly how I feel/felt about my last relationship. The first three months were when I was getting "the good stuff" for free, the last two months were when it was being withheld and I stuck around hoping for one small taste again. I could go over and over in my head why this happened (and trust me, I have), but the simple fact remains that it did, and it sucks. 02*20*11 Just ended the 5-month relationship I've been in. I'm pretty bummed about it, but we've barely seen each other the past three weeks and things have been pretty shitty for a month. Also, note to all men, fucking do something for your girlfriends on Valentine's Day. If you have no money, make a card, give a back rub, and/or do something sexually pleasing. Anything nice is appreciated. It should be a given by this age! But of course, that's not why I broke up with him. He's going through rough times and I wasn't about to abandon him because of that, but he was shutting me out of his life and making me feel like shit. I've seen him 3 times in 3 weeks and all for a matter of hours at night. That's not even what set me over. The fact that he still found time to go out and have fun with friends while we had to stay holed up in his room doing nothing the few times I've seen him drove me nuts. Tonight specifically. I dunno. If he gets his shit together someday, who knows? But at the same time, I'm not gonna hold my breath waiting for that to happen AND for him to want me back. Back to the dating pool I go. In unrelated news, I have two potential job interviews at two different hospitals. Really crossing my fingers here. But even if that doesn't pan out, I'm happy to say that I can finally afford all my bills this month and next month's rent. Always a plus. Oy vey, how did it come to this? 02*08*11 So that whole thing I wrote before about putting my cat to sleep in a heartbeat if I had to actually came to pass. But it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and it's been the most difficult thing to go through emotionally. The numerous trips to the vet for his many problems, having to section him off into the kitchen because he can't control his bladder, having to buy him expensive prescription food at the vet's, constantly jamming pills down his throat, cleaning up after him almost daily…I was getting so tired of all of it. But now that he's gone I feel like I'd do all of it forever if he could have just lived. He was worth it. After his rectum prolapsed last Monday, they sent me home with him without a cone around his head. Sure enough he had pulled the stitches out by the next morning and his rectum prolapsed again. I rushed him in and figured they'd just fix him again and that would be that. Thankfully I had a different doctor and she was smart enough to run an x-ray to figure out why his rectum prolapsed in the first place. She called me while I was at work and told me there was a huge stone in his bladder. He had feline lower urinary tract disease which I had been giving him prescription food for since November. The doctor told me that we could wait to see if the food dissolved the stone, but after I told her how long he'd been on it she said that he'd most likely have to have surgery to get it removed. She said given the two surgeries he just had and how skinny and weak he was, she didn't feel like there was a good chance of survival. Also, the surgery was $1000. I almost lost it at work and told her I couldn't really make any decisions right then and there. I told her to just fix his prolapsed rectum and I'd talk to her later. I called my roommate on the way home from work and told her through sobs what the vet had said. When I finally picked him up, the vet seemed to backpedal a bit about his chances of surviving the surgery. She said all surgeries have risks and she just had to let me know. They told me about some pet credit card I could apply for to pay for some of the surgery. I already have a credit card I could have used, though. It wasn't necessarily the money that was the issue anymore; I just didn't know whether I wanted to put him through such an intense surgery if there was little chance of survival. My decision was made when I saw how poorly he reacted to just the rectal surgery. He wasn't eating and moped around miserably with his cone. I knew he was in pain and I know how super sensitive he is to everything…part of the reason I love him. I know the bladder surgery would have been the most stressful thing he had ever gone through and he would not have reacted well to it at all, if he even survived it. He was already skin and bones, and I know he wouldn't eat enough to keep himself alive. I couldn't bare to see him in even worse condition. I really hope that was the right choice. I don't want to wonder for the rest of my life if I should have just bit the bullet and paid just to make sure I did everything in my power. But I think it would have been more for my peace of mind than his. This way I at least had a good final week with him. I spent all of Sunday cuddling with him. I got up early on Monday and cut his cone off, bathed him as best I could, and held him for almost 5 hours straight. He seemed a lot happier without the cone. He was the kind of cat that was only happy if I was holding him. He even gave human-like hugs. He was amazing--one of the sweetest animals you could ever have encountered. I had him for almost 8 years and I never heard him hiss and he never scratched anyone. All he wanted was to show his love for me. I hope I gave him as much of that as I could in his final hours. I put his sweater on him for the trip to the vet and bundled him up in an old shirt. I put him inside my coat and brought him to the vet, never letting him go. I didn't want him to have to go in the carrier and be alone for a second. Thankfully my roommate came with me. When we got to the vet we sat in the waiting room (which was thankfully empty) and held each other and cried with Jack in between us. They laid a towel down for Jack on the exam table when we were called in, and I unswaddled him and placed him on it. Then i just covered his whole body with mine in a hug and pet him until they came back. The first injection sedated him very quickly. Maeve and I bent down and stared into his eyes and continuously pet him. I kept telling him how much I loved him and wanted our gaze to last as long as possible. The doctor then came back and administered the injection that put him to sleep. She gave me several warnings about things that might happen. I held his front paws and stroked his head and never let our gaze break. I felt his paws tremble slightly and the doctor then told me he had passed. Maeve and I were sobbing uncontrollably at that point. The doctor told us to take as much time as we needed and left the room. He was always so calm and still, he just looked like he always did after he passed away. We kept petting him and telling him how much we loved him. Maeve told me repeatedly I did the right thing and that I did everything I could. It was just so heartbreaking. We wrapped him up in the towel and shut his eyes. When we walked out of the room the doctor was waiting for us. She told me I did the right thing. I'm really happy she said that to me because, from a medical standpoint, her opinion is the one that I valued the most on my decision. I did find some comfort in that. I paid an extra $120 to get his ashes. Probably not the smartest thing to do given my financial situation, but at the time I couldn't bare not to have him back in some way. I know one day this will hurt less and maybe even seem like the right thing to do. I look forward to that day. 01*31*11 Alex and Brett were HOUNDING me to write in here again last night, so I'm doing this for them. I'm not sure if I plan on writing again consistently, so I make no promises! However, since I haven't had steady work in quite some time, it's not exactly like I don't have the time to update everyone on my whole life since my last entry of substance two years ago. For the time being, I'll just give a tiny summary. Patrick and I broke up at the end of April and he moved out at the end of May. The relationship had been falling apart pretty much since the moment we moved in together, but at least we gave it a shot. Gotta find the silver lining! Thankfully things ended amicably and we're still on friendly terms. I feel like that made the transition a bit less harsh. I finished nursing school in August and got my RN license at the end of October. Unfortunately finding a nursing job has been next to impossible. Some classmates got jobs in the city, but short of finding the right person to give a BJ to, I have no idea how they managed it. In the meantime I'm on my fourth credit card and searching for a steady paycheck (which I thought I would have starting January, but that didn't work out). Still not about to move out of the city for a job. If I can manage it, I'd like to keep my life here and get a nursing job somewhat nearby. Also, I've been dating someone new for about four months now, but things have been a bit hectic lately. I just got back from the vet's office. My cat, Jack, has been ill on and off for over a year. The symptoms have been wide and varied. At first it was weight loss and vomiting, then it was a series of UTIs, then he had to be hospitalized for hyperkalemia, then he was shitting blood (a few weeks ago), and today his intestines were peaking out of his anus (rectal prolapse). He's currently still at the vet awaiting surgery. If he had something uncurable I'd put him to sleep in a heartbeat because he's just been so sick for so long. But everything has a solution...at least temporarily, so I don't have the heart to give up just yet. However, I do wish he waited to get sick while I still had a job! That cat is dragging me further into debt...which frankly isn't that hard to do these days. Anyway, I'll know later today how everything went. I'm sure he'll be fine...for a few weeks at least. 07*21*09
I'm looking through you, where did you go?
Your lips are moving, I cannot hear.
Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
You're thinking of me, the same old way.
Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
I'm looking through you, where did you go?
Yeah! Oh baby you changed!
01*21*09 Oh, well hello. Fancy meeting you here. I just figured out how to work this newfangled version of Dreamweaver. My computer sort of crashed around New Year's Eve, so I wiped the whole system clean and started anew. However, I lost some programs in the process, including my precious Dreamweaver. All my documents and MP3s were saved though, so it wasn't too bad. Not as bad as it could have been anyway. My move was pretty awful. It was extremely difficult and about 1/3 of the way through it my brother called me to tell me my grandmother had a stroke. She's doing a little better now, but probably won't walk again and is still in the hospital. She just celebrated her 88th birthday yesterday. I'm just glad I was able to see her the day after Christmas and tell her I love her. My move was also pretty shitty because of two other factors: my co-worker was supposed to let me borrow her car to transport my and Patrick's cats, as well as ourselves from apartment to apartment, but she backed out last minute due to inclement weather; also, the movers were terrible! I used the same movers I used last time (Moving Your Way) I moved. I loved them last time, but this time it was different guys from the same company. They came earlier than I told them to and hounded me about starting early; I had to tell them no (repeatedly) since I wasn't ready and they charged by the hour...as I had just told them a half hour before that on the phone when they asked if they could come early. Last time I moved I was able to kind of sit back and watch them do all the work--not the case this time; they moved like molasses and Patrick and I really had to work our asses off. Then, the turd icing on the shit cake, when it was all said and done, the total came out to something like $350, which I tipped them $75 on top of (over 20% mind you). Their thanks? "That's it?" I wanted to punch the guy in the face. He's lucky I was feeling generous enough to tip him that much considering how much work Patrick and I had to do. Any who, the place is coming together slowly but surely. We're almost done with everything aside from obtaining a decent dresser for a good price. We're getting a new used sofa this weekend which I'm really excited about since I hate this goddamned futon I'm currently sitting on. I envision everything being set in maybe another 2-3 weeks. I start classes next week though and am also hoping to take the GREs in the next few weeks, so apartment tasks won't take priority anymore. That's pretty much the summary of my life for the past month and a half! Oh yeah, and I got an A in both my classes. 12*07*08 Haven't written in forever. A lot going on. Patrick and I are moving in together in a few weekends. I just signed the lease for our place in Greenpoint on Saturday as well as relinquished oodles of cash. It's pretty big and really gorgeous. I'm looking forward to getting settled in...but not moving. Especially when the move is scheduled right around finals! But we wanted to be as settled in as we can be before Christmas since I will be hosting my family this year. I think with the stress about the move and everything I have to do up until that point and studying, etc., my anxieties about living with someone are somewhat surfacing as well. We're both also kind of on edge because he has finals too and is obviously going through the same stress, so that doesn't help. Oh right, and I'm PMSing. I am super fun to be around right now. I want to kill someone! I'm proud of how much of my belongings I've already gone through and either gotten rid of, organized, packed or sold. I have someone coming to buy my loveseat on Tuesday and another person coming to buy my Ikea console (my kitchen counter) and shelves. I like both items okay, but the counter I definitely don't need in the new place since my kitchen is huge. The loveseat I could keep, but I'd rather get a bigger one that I like better. I suddenly need more furniture or better furniture. I've had the same desk since I was 13. That's not to say it's a kid's desk, but I think it's time for a new one (preferably one that's not painted green). The other thing that sucks is I feel tired but I can't shut my brain off with everything going on, so it's hard to fall asleep. God forbid I wake up in the middle of the night, then I'm up for hours. After December 20th things should start to look up I hope. 11*16*08 It's 1:30 in the morning. I'm currently on-call. I went to bed around 8PM and woke up around midnight and have been wide awake since. My neighbors are arguing so I was in the bathroom, not eavesdropping, but "accidentally" listening for 10 minutes. Basically it seems like this woman has been ignoring her boyfriend the past couple of days and he finally got fed up with it and came here after midnight to confront her. She's been ignoring him because I think he forgot her birthday or had to work or something to that effect. He doesn't understand why she's still upset when he already apologized and sent her flowers. First of all, I was on her side before I even heard the whole scenario because this guy sound like a total guido and can't articulate himself clearly while she's making perfect sense to me. He sounds like a real douchebag. I kind of feel like listening in was a sociological experiment in relationships. This woman was explaining to this man why she was upset and he responded with belligerence and nonsensical and off-the-subject rebuttals that only served to upset her and divert things off the topic. I could feel the guilt inside him, but it only came out of his mouth in douchebaggery. All she wanted (and I know because she said it repeatedly) was for him to stop yelling at her and listen to her and respond with compassion. I don't think that's a lot to ask for. She also wanted him to set aside some time for her every now and then. Also a pretty reasonable request. I just can't believe she's let him talk circles around her for so long without throwing him out. But I really shouldn't talk. I've put up with things I probably shouldn't have too. I guess everyone does in relationships because they get blinded by love/lust/craziness. Anyway, I can say I've had similar arguments with boyfriends before (though I never dated a guido). Not to say that I'm not the one who's been the guilty party and initially tried to weasel my way out of it too, but I feel like I've been on the other end of it more often. I guess listening to these people just makes me realize how easy it would be for him to just say he's sorry, he's been insensitive and give her a hug. I guess it takes a lot of pride swallowing, maybe too much for some people. I mention none of this because of things in my own life. Patrick and I are fine. I'm just bored and awake and thought I'd write down some ponderings. 11*02*08 Good times on Halloween. I was Little Bo Reap (or Killah Bo Peep). Patrick bought a sheep mask last minute and went as, you guessed it, a cow! No, he went as a sheep. We went to three different bars in Park Slope and danced for a bit at the first two. I won a bottle of champagne for my costume at the second bar. I wanted to dress up again Saturday night, but I also kind of felt like taking it easy. So Patrick and I went to see Zack and Miri Make a Porno instead, which was pretty mediocre. Anyway, here are some photos and a video of Patrick jamming as a sheep.
10*27*08 Patrick and I discovered this display picture while looking for Halloween items at a costume store.
I don't understand. Was this really the best shot they had? The baby either looks like its suffocating or possibly already dead. Who gave this picture the green light?! 10*26*08 I'm still alive! I just haven't felt very enthusiastic about updating this here site lately. But it's Sunday and I'm up early since I went to bed early for my on-call shift. No donors, but plenty of sleep. My cats are staring at me with hate since I need to go out and get them some cat food. They can wait a few more minutes. I suppose another reason why I haven't been writing is because I didn't feel like explaining that Patrick and I are more or less seeing each other. We're basically just enjoying one another's company and not really talking so much about "what does this mean?" and "where is this going?" and blah blah. I guess that means I'm just living in the now. Well, regardless of the meaning, I feel happy. I guess that's what matters. Also, we went on a Circle Line cruise up the Hudson River last Sunday to Bear Mountain. It was really gorgeous and we had a good time...and we ate lots of kettle corn popcorn. So let me talk a little more about France. My first three days in Paris were just spent walking around areas that I hadn't explored last time I was there and also visiting Versailles. As I said before, it was very cold there and it rained sporadically for the first 3-4 days. The 4th day I headed to Blois, rented a bicycle and biked through some gorgeous countryside to the Chateau de Chambord. I had intended to bike to another castle afterwards, but got continuously lost and was feeling pretty exhausted. After that ride I decided that perhaps I wasn't ready to bike all the way to another town 80 miles away with unclear bike paths and inconsistent weather the whole way. The next day I arrived in Tours and stayed there for two nights. The first day I visited Chateau de Chenonceau and bought three bottles of wine (three bottles of wine become a lot heavier after you've lugged it around in your luggage for four days!). My second day in Tours was spent walking around exploring. I wasn't super impressed with the town though and was glad to move on to Saumur the next day. Saumur was very quaint and cute. The day I arrived it started pouring and lasted most of the day, but I was still able to explore some of the city. I met a very nice restauranteur later that night who I played a few games of lousy pool with. It was all very friendly-like and platonic. I was just thankful to have someone I could actually speak with; you definitely start missing speaking with people who can understand you after a few days. The next day I headed back to Paris and had dinner at a restaurant Katrina and I found our last day in Paris three years ago. It had been down the street from our hotel and we hadn't realized until it was too late. My last full day in Paris was probably my favorite one. I visited a lot of sites near the Latin Quarter, went to the zoo while eating a fresh-out-of-the-oven baguette, and visited Louis Pasteur's house. Later that night I went to the Trocadero where I realized the Eiffel Tower was lit up blue, and decided to walk down to explore...and take a thousand pictures. As I was heading back to the Metro I saw tour boats and remembered touring the Seine at night by boat was one of the things I had also wanted to do, so I did it. It was really gorgeous. While walking to the Metro line I needed afterwards, I passed the Arc de Triomphe and the Champs-Élysées. I hadn't really eaten dinner at that point and didn't feel like spending a lot of money on a sit-down meal, but all the bakeries were closed. However, McDonald's was open. I loathe McDonald's, but I was really hungry, so I got some fries (and yes, when I ordered them I asked for French fries). I then ate the fries near the Arc De Triomphe. There's something special about eating French fries from McDonald's in front of the Arc de Triomphe; I had a little bit of disgust in me but also a little bit of pride for really combining our two cultures in such a classy way. The next day I explored the Latin Quarter for an hour and then headed to the airport. Ok, my cats are going to eat me alive if I don't get moving. I have a few errands to run today and hopefully I'll find the last two items of my costume. Enjoy the pictures in the meantime!
10*14*08 I am back. Let the celebration begin! Actually I've been back since Friday, so if you just started celebrating, you're too late! I'm currently enjoying a big glass of red wine I got from the Chateau de Chenonceau. It's yummy. So yummy I bought three bottles. Did you know that if you put three bottles of wine in your suitcase it makes it super heavy? Now we both know. I am having a shitty day. I got to work in a somewhat good mood. I was semi-excited to see my co-workers since it's been two weeks. But a lot of people were in a bad mood today and some barely took notice of me (it's not a big office). I also had a big Microbiology test today which I'll admit I didn't really study as hard for as I usually do. I missed the last class and had asked a girl I thought seemed reliable if she could let me know what I missed. She assured me she'd scan in the notes and e-mail them to me. However, she did not do that and I finally e-mailed her a few days ago to ask for said notes. She said I didn't miss much and gave me a brief rundown. Five minutes before the test a girl in front of me pulled out a 4-page worksheet of material the teacher had handed out the last class. Needless to say I started to panic. Because of that untrustworthy jerk I asked for help, I missed probably about 10 questions on the test (there were only 77). Thankfully the professor drops the lowest test grade, but since this is our first test I have no more leeway. I'll give the rundown on France another time. For the most part I had a good time. The weather was kinda shitty half the time and it's a lot colder there than here. But I definitely ate a lot of good food and saw some beautiful sites. I didn't speak a whole lot of French, but I didn't mess up too terribly when I did. I also met a cute little animal called a Pudu at a zoo in Paris and it's now my favorite mammal (sorry Milo and Jack). My wine is beckoning to me. I must answer the call!
This girl is a nerd, get me outta here |
