01*31*05 Opaline sucked Saturday night. I don't really care where I am and what the crowd is like as long as music I want to dance to is being played. But that wasn't the case Saturday. Sunday was a good day though. I took myself to see A Very Long Engagement which was just ok. Then I took myself out to dinner. I should hang out with me more often, I had fun. In all seriousness, as much as I'm capable of being serious, I felt really good about myself yesterday. I felt strong, independent and content with my life. I was walking around the East Village and called Katrina to tell her about my day. As I was telling her what a good mood I was in I realized that this is usually the time when a guy swoops out of no where and disturbs my single and loving it state-of-mind. But by the time I realize it I'm too wound up with the jerk to turn back. So then I called Carlos to share my concern with him while being wary of any guys prowling the streets looking for a relationship. But he said because I am aware that this would be an opportune time for a guy to shit on my glee, it won't happen. I liked that answer so now I'm not worried. I just watched the three-hour 1972 version of Solaris. It was very weird. I've rated 1070 movies on Netflix. I'm such a geek. 01*29*05 I keep forgetting to type 05 instead of 04. Today was possibly the oddest lab day I've ever had. This semester in Criminalistics we're working on serology (blood). Today we had to collect our own blood samples and do various things to it. The hardest part was filling up a vial with 1 ml of blood. It doesn't sound like a lot, but it is when you're trying to get it from a tiny pinpoint stab in your finger. They gave us those little needle pricks that doctors use (a lancet). I pricked my finger three times, but I just couldn't squeeze enough blood out. I was half joking when I went up to the lab technician and asked for a knife; he gave me a razor blade. I figured what the hell and sliced open my fingertip. I was able to fill up a vial and a half. I didn't even have to squeeze. Two other girls in my class followed my lead and got their own razors. Another girl came in and encountered the same problem with the lancet. I volunteered to cut open her finger with a razor since I don't like her. She let me. I didn't expect her to scream when I cut her. Surprisingly I felt really bad. I guess just because I don't care for a person, that doesn't necessarily mean I'll get pleasure out of inflicting pain on them. In fact it had the opposite effect because I like her now. RL walked by me in lab and I shoved my bloody finger in his face and was like, "Look! I cut my finger with a razor!" He looked at me weird. What is wrong with me!? Well, he said goodbye to me when I left, so I guess I didn't disgust him too much. He also came up to me yesterday and asked more about the marathon. I think he's gonna do it. I'm gonna meet some friends at Opaline later on. All I ever want to do on the weekends is dance. It's addicting. I'm almost positive Katrina is going to come up again next weekend. We're gonna try and do a repeat of last weekend minus the excessive drinking and blizzard. Ok, gotta get ready. 01*27*05 Well, my first day of school wasn't too terrible. Unfortunately my Instrumental Analysis teacher still remembers my name and of course called on me and asked me something I didn't know. I had to go to his office later on to work out my lab schedule with him and he said something sarcastic like "First day of class and you didn't know the answer; you should know to come prepared by now." It was the first fucking day! I didn't even know what chapter he was starting with. Had I known perhaps I would have read ahead and known the answer (but doubtful). He's such an ass. Then my Criminalistics teacher told the 5 out of 9 people in his class who are also repeating Instrumental Analysis how it's not a good idea to take both his class and that one together. I suppose a better idea would be for me not to take it and wait a whole year to take one class, bringing my undergrad college career to a grand total of 7 years. Brilliant idea! But I think I'm gonna stick with my plan instead. I saw RL in lab today. I went over to him and asked him if he was serious about running the marathon. He said he was, just not this year. So I told him how he could get guaranteed entry in next year's marathon. I felt my face getting all red when I was talking and said everything at warp speed. He didn't hear a word. So I told myself to stop being an idiot and I calmed down and repeated myself slower. He seemed semi-interested. I still think he is really friggen hot. But I think my massive crush has gone down a few notches to moderate. I didn't get a chance to DJ last night because I had to wait for my super to fix a leak I had in my kitchen. I think next week would be better to do it anyway. I have to get a new iPod soon. My warranty runs out next month. I get to sleep until 9 tomorrow morning. I can't wait! 01*25*04 I think I had food poisoning on Sunday. There's no way a hangover had me throwing up everything I ate for 24 hours. Katrina suggested alcohol poisoning, but I looked that up and that's usually accompanied with bouts of unconsciousness. So that's unlikely. I had a portobello mushroom sandwich on Saturday night. Deirdre told me that if mushrooms aren't cleaned and/or prepared properly that some kind of mold may remain on them. Anyway I think that's probably what happened. My commute the past two mornings has been a nightmare. I hate the B train. I hope it dies. Just not when I need to take it! Alex from school e-mailed me and asked if I was ready for school and excited to see RL. I don't actually know. I haven't really thought about him much the past few weeks. I think the combination of not seeing him for a month and nothing ever happening between us before that made him sorta fly out of my head. But I may feel differently when I see him again. Having a crush made school more fun! So I hope some remnants of whatever lust I had for him survive...at least until the semester is over. There's a new bar on the east side called the Satellite Bar that has an iPod night every Wednesday. Basically you bring in your iPod and get to be DJ. Those are all the details I know. I was going to do it last week but laziness got the better of me. So tomorrow night I am determined to be DJ. I was a radio DJ in high school for three years. My school broadcast to at least three towns. I had regular listeners! There were probably only two of them, but still! It was fun. I miss it. My school now has a radio station but I'm pretty sure they only broadcast to the cafeteria, and I don't even think they do that anymore. Anyway, hopefully I'll get to re-live my glory days tomorrow night. If not I'll head over to Motor City bar and hang out with Chris. Then school Thursday. Instrumental Analysis II...again. I can't friggen wait. 01*23*05 I realize only two entries ago I said I don't always get drunk when I go to bars and I hardly ever get wasted. And usually that's true...except for last night. Katrina came up and we had dinner in Manhattan. Then we went back to my place and watched Shrek 2. I got a bottle of wine so we could have some before we went out again, that way we wouldn't spend too much money on drinks at the bar. So I had about 2 1/2 glasses and planned to only have one drink at most when I got to Misshapes. But one drink turned into two, then three. Then I saw Gavin and three turned into five, and then I lost count. I said hello to him when I first saw him. Then Katrina and I went downstairs to take a breather from dancing and next thing I knew I was sitting at the bar talking to Gavin. We were just shooting the shit mainly. I saw a hand desperately clutching his arm. The hand happened to be attached to a girl I'm assuming was his girlfriend. He introduced us. I neither remember what she looked like nor her name, which is fine by me. I don't really have feelings for the kid anymore. But it's never a pleasant thing to meet the new girl, especially after being told "I just don't want a girlfriend right now. If I did it would be you, you're amazing...." I guess I know by now that that's just a bullshit excuse and is coward guy code for "I just don't want to see you." But knowing that in the back of my head and being introduced to it in front of my face are completely different things. Anyway I take comfort in the fact that I know Gavin is a cheater, a liar and an alcoholic. I wanted to lean over and say to his girlfriend, "You picked a real winner!" and give her an extremely sarcastic thumbs up. I think I got another drink instead. The rest of the night I can only remember in short gaps and from what Katrina told me. I do remember going in the bathroom and throwing up. And throwing up outside. And I definitely remember throwing up this morning, and this afternoon, and lying on the couch all day unable to move without throwing up again. I have never been so sick from alcohol in my life. I can't say I don't deserve it for drinking so much. But I was wondering if maybe there was something in one of my drinks. I doubt it, but it is surprising how ill I've been feeling. Aside from today and before I got completely wasted last night, I had a lot of fun this weekend. Katrina and I had a blast dancing. I had fun with my date on Friday. He doesn't drink. I don't know what is with the guys I date, either they drink too much or they don't drink at all. Where's my happy medium? My neighborhood bagel guy and I are on pretty friendly terms. He always asks me what's going on in my life and if I met a good guy yet (he's seen most of my boyfriends come and go). He asked me about my guy situation last night when I got a cup of coffee. I told him I didn't have one. And then I said, "And you know what? I don't care. I don't even want a boyfriend right now." And it wasn't a lie. I just don't care. I don't want to deal with it. The occasional date is fine, but I have my friends and school and that's all I care about right now. 01*20*05 School starts again next Thursday, which means I won't have to get up at 6:30 every morning for my internship. I have a date tomorrow night. Katrina is most likely coming up this Saturday. I have two Netflix movies coming in the mail tomorrow (The Blind Swordman: Zatoichi and Shrek 2), and some new clothes coming next week. I've decided to run a 4-mile race at the end of February and Deirdre said she'd run it with me. Things look ok from where I'm sitting right now. 01*18*05 What a trying past few days these have been. I got to my internship late yesterday morning and I signed in two hours earlier than I had actually arrived. I've been adding hours here and there on my time sheets lately because I was sorta under the impression no one cared, and I'm under pressure to finish 400 hours there before school starts next week. Anyway, unbeknownst to me, the man standing by me when I signed in was someone called the integrity control officer and he's in charge of keeping track of people's hours. Usually he doesn't keep track of interns, but in this case it was right in his face. So he called me down to his office later on in the day and told me he had my security card deactivated and that I compromised the integrity of casework by lying about my hours (!?) and that I had to go home for the day. Deirdre was with me and kept sticking up for me. She was great. But the guy was on a total power trip and was sticking to his guns. I was a wreck. I practiced what I was going to say to them today hours on end. They had a meeting around 1 this afternoon and then called me down around 2. The guy I spoke with was so nice and so was my supervisor. They just said don't do it again and everything is ok now. I think the guy who caught me yesterday was a tad off his rocker and overreacted just a wee bit. In any case, I'm glad everything is taken care of. The man I spoke to today even said that wouldn't be held against me if I were to ever apply for a job there. I feel as though my mood is improving though. I guess having something shitty like that happen to me made me realize things aren't really all that bad. My friend Scott who I interned with back when I still wanted to be an environmental engineer told me he reads my journal and it sounds like I get drunk all the time. I just want to say that while I may go to bars on the weekends sometimes, I don't always get drunk. And I hardly ever get wasted (aside for after my final). His wife is pregnant and hopefully I'm gonna get to help decorate the nursery! I love decorating. I got no sleep last night and I have a huge headache. I think I'm gonna have to go to bed before 11 tonight. Sigh. 01*16*05 Brrrr, it's cold in my room. Well, I sorta fulfilled my promise to myself to go out every night this weekend (except tonight). But I didn't really go crazy. Friday night the Alligator Lounge was kind of dead, but I got my free pizza. Then Courtney and I headed over to another bar in Brooklyn, which the name of escapes me at the moment. There were a bunch of people there who looked the same and not particularly great music was playing. It was too crowded. Jamin told us to come check it out though. Anyway I got home around five. When I was getting out of the cab I took, I didn't look when I opened the door and nicked the mirror on a passing car. I ran over to see how bad it was and apologized. The guy didn't seem too concerned. Phew! Last night I was supposed to go out with Jamin and his girlfriend-type figure to Misshapes, but I couldn't reach him on the phone all day, so I finally accepted my fate to stay in for the night with my netflix movie, the latest Harry Potter movie. I really liked it. A little past midnight Jamin finally called me. By then I was ready to somehow strangle him through the phone, but he gave me a pretty plausible excuse and said they were still going to Misshapes and he'd drive me there. So I got ready and we got there around two. I have never seen that place so crowded. It was ridiculous. It was all because Carlos D from Interpol was DJing. The dance floor was pathetic; everyone just stood shoulder to shoulder sorta shuffling their bodies but incapable of any real movement. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I hate sweaty skin against my sweaty skin and the constant jabbing of elbows from every angle. Plus Carlos D wasn't even playing that great a set. Just because the guy is semi-famous doesn't make him a good DJ. I wanted to go about 10 minutes after I got there. But I had wanted to dance so badly all week and I had gone all that way already.... So we stayed until about four. The crowd had dissipated a bit by then, but by that point Carlos D had switched to a strictly goth/industrial type set and I was completely unenthused about dancing to most of it. Even though I didn't do anything too exciting today, it's probably the best day out of my weekend. I got laundry done, went grocery shopping, chilled with my cats. Not so bad. I even attempted to cook something on the oven which came out not so good, but nonetheless it was edible. I don't know what my deal is lately, but I've been so cranky and short-fused with everybody. Some people I don't even want to talk to for various reasons. Everything my friends do seems to irritate me. I get mad at my roommate over the most trivial shit. Every time I talk to my mom all she talks about is this new guy she's seeing and I want to hang up on her. I don't want to hear about that stuff--from anybody. Because instead of being happy for the person like a good friend or daughter, I'm just bitter. I know how completely selfish that is of me, but it's how I feel at the moment. I dunno. It'll pass.
01*14*05 I'm trying to kill time before I meet up with Courtney. We're going to the Alligator Lounge (the place that gives away free personal-sized pizzas with every drink you buy!). I downloaded Pinback's album Summer in Abaddon. It's so good I wanna cry, especially the first song. I've been listening to them a lot lately on the subway to and from my internship because they relax me so much. I was listening to one particular song of theirs and a flood of memories of Rob and me came rushing into my head. Good memories. It made me kinda sad. But a minute later I was ok again. That happens every now and then--something reminds me of someone I used to date and I get super nostalgic, but a second later I've blocked them from my head again. It's sad I can't just look at whatever good times I've had with exs and just be happy about the memory. Instead it dredges up the whole relationship and I start re-living it in my head all over again. Anyway, it's a good album. I've been meaning to get it forever. I think I have a date next week. Oh look at that, I successfully killed 15 minutes. 01*11*05 I hope my last entry didn't sound too snobby. Just certain grammatical errors drive me nuts. That's what happens when you're an editor (of sorts) for over three years. Then again I'm sure my site has a slew of errors, especially since I never spell check it. Anyway, I just watched Before Sunset. I loved it. I think I'll try to watch it again before I send it back to Netflix. The conversations and emotions between Ethan Hawk and Julie Delpy just felt so real and I completely empathized with both of them. Especially Delpy's character. When someone can phrase their complete disillusionment with romance and relationships into the exact way I usually feel, I have some sort of peace with it all because I don't feel so alone on the matter. And that's what she did. Not much to write about. I won't bore anyone with the stuff I'm working on at the crime lab (like the apparent chromatogram shift certain heavy petroleum distillates seem to have when I put small samples on a kim wipe as opposed to a liquid injection...but you don't wanna hear about that). I came to a realization that I probably did so well in my classes this past semester because I didn't have a boyfriend boggling me down with emotional bullshit and I cut back my hours at work so dramatically. I wonder if that had been the case all throughout college if perhaps I would have always gotten good grades? Oh well. Not that C's are so terrible, but they're certainly nothing to brag about. I somewhat wanted to stay in last weekend. But now that I did, I so want to go out this coming weekend. Every night. And I want to go crazy. Only a few more weeks left of break. Some break; I have to get up at 6:30 every weekday morning. I haven't had to do that since high school. It's funny how I got up at 6 AM almost my entire life and the second I went to college and was able to schedule my classes so I could sleep late, I was completely incapable of ever rising early again. But I'm finding that it's not so hard to get up that early anymore. It only took me about a month to get used to it. Plus I sleep the whole way to the lab and back on the subway. The subway is like my second bed. I dunno why, but I feel so relaxed on it. Some people think I'm nuts to sleep on the subway, mainly out-of-towners, but to them I say don't knock it until you try it. Go ahead, I dare you. 01*09*05 Because I'm sick of looking at pictures in people's profiles on myspace that say "John and I" or "Mary and I" etc., I'm going to list a little tip that has helped me a bunch when choosing whether to write so-and-so and me or so-and-so and I. What you do is this: take the sentence you are about to write and say it to yourself without the person(s) before you plan to use 'I' or 'me'. If the sentence still makes sense, then that's what you'd use. I know those instructions make no sense, so I'll give an example. "Here is a picture of satan and I." Now take out satan and see if that sentence still makes sense: "Here is a picture of I." It doesn't! But: "Here is a picture of satan and me." converts to "Here is a picture of me." which does make sense. Some other examples: "Jack and I tumbled down a hill; I tumbled down a hill." Fabulous! See? It's easy. Now spread the word. 01*09*05 I just woke up about a half hour ago. I think I'm gonna go for a run in Prospect Park sometime today. I've been running about 2.8 miles in a half hour on the treadmill at the gym pretty regularly. But running on solid ground is so much different. Last time I attempted that I got tired in about 3 minutes. But obviously if I plan on running in the marathon I have to get used to it. I didn't do much last night. I didn't really feel like going out, so I bought a bottle of champagne (ok, sparkling wine) and stayed in with my movies. Then I chatted it up with Courtney for a bit. And then I danced in my room and fell asleep. Friday night I had dinner with Carlos and we finally exchanged Christmas presents. I don't know how he knew I wanted it, I guess I told him and don't remember, but he bought me the book America by John Stewart. I finished reading it yesterday afternoon. Funny stuff. It even had a rip-out poster. I'm not really sure what to do today. As I read that sentence about running in Prospect Park again, it looks less and less appealing. There are some movies I'd like to see and some random other things I'd like to check out (like the Marilyn Monroe picture exhibit), but I doubt that'll happen. Deirdre was trying to get me to do a 5-mile race sponsored by the Road Runners Club today. She's nuts. She's also decided I should live abroad for a year. She's planned for me to stay in Australia and then make my way west by way of Europe. It sounds nice, but 1-I don't have the money to even buy a ticket to Australia, and 2-I have too much stuff and my cats and I can't abandon either of them. Besides, I love where I live. If anything, I'd just like to go on vacation to certain places. But she does bring up a good point. Let's say I do get a job at the NYPD lab, I'm only allowed ten days off a year. That sucks. So part of me kinda wants to first get a job that pays well but allows me more freedom to travel before I get stuck in a real job. Arg, there's too many choices! 01*05*05 I was in CVS the other day and I passed an aisle cloaked in red. I slowly stepped back to have another look and it was just as I had feared...Valentine's Day shit. Seriously, who buys Valentine's Day paraphernalia this early? Even if I had a boyfriend I wouldn't touch that stuff until February. There's been a string of fires in NYC this week, so the fire debris department has been pretty busy at the crime lab. They sent Deirdre the burnt clothes off of some victims' bodies, two of them being little boys. It was sad. I was really worried I'd smell burnt flesh for the first time when she opened up the bag, but I didn't. If you're gonna light yourself on fire, don't take everyone down with you, especially if they're little kids. So fucked up. I'm not sure how I feel about the NYPD crime lab. At first I thought I'd never want to work there. Then I was thinking I may not even want to pursue a career in forensic science when I graduate. But now I'm not ruling either of those possibilities out yet. I'm just not sure about anything. I'm not totally opposed to the idea of graduate school anymore though. I'd definitely need at least a semester off before I would do that. What I am certain about is that I want to graduate this May. And that's the main goal thus far. 01*02*05 Holy shit I got a B in my Forensic Science class! Someone throw me a party. 01*02*05 I've been cleaning my apartment since 3:30 and it is now 10:30. I still have to dust and vacuum my room, but I'm too beat to do it now. I had too much clutter in my room. I got rid of two garbage bags worth of crap. I still have to tackle my desk drawers. I don't know why I insist on saving everything. I'm turning into my grandmother. My cleaning frenzy was prompted by the appearance of a few cockroaches over the past few weeks. I HATE cockraoches. They're probably the only thing in the world that grosses me out. Courtney told me that if you have shitty New Year's Eve that means that you're going to have a good year. I think that the same person who made that saying up also made up the saying that it's good luck when a bird shits on you. Both are just sayings to make people feel better about unfortunate circumstances. But maybe it's true. I didn't have a great New Year's Eve. But I had so much fun last night. I'm still not sure about that bird shit thing though. I went to Lit with Melissa and a couple of her friends. It was ok there, but I think Lit is officially not the "it" place anymore. Maybe open bar on Thursday nights is still ok, but I wouldn't know because I haven't had time to go in months. Around 2 AM I finally got everyone to come over to Opaline with me. Carlos happened to be there which was neat. We ended up staying until after 4. I just can't express how great it makes me feel to dance to good music. I even got up on the stripper's platform and danced with some guy (I didn't strip). Finally exhaustion overcame my desire to dance and we all left. On our way to get pizza, Carlos and I spotted some guy puking while his friends wiped diarrhea that had soaked through his pants with crumpled newspaper. Lovely. For any guys who read this, I just want to let you know it is NOT ok to grab a girl's breasts and crotch when you are dancing with her. Of course there are occasions where maybe you're dancing together in a sexual way and perhaps doing that might seem appropriate, but even then you might want to be a bit cautious! In any case, don't just go up to a girl who's dancing and immediately start feeling her up! As you may have gathered, that happened to me last night. Melissa saved me. She even danced. That's when I know she's really plastered.
01*01*05 Look at the date! All odd numbers! Amazing. I've waited for this day for a year. Speaking of odd, I'm in an odd mood today. Well, not so much odd as just shitty. I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's supposedly gorgeous outside. I should be out there enjoying it. I was contemplating riding my bike in Prospect Park. But I really would like to ride with someone. Or just do something today that involves another person's company. So this would mean I am feeling lonely. I haven't felt this way in a while. I guess it's because I brought in the New Year single and it just made that fact all the more apparent. I still had fun though. And I've been having fun being single for a while now. I don't know why exactly today is different. It just is. Luke and Leroy's wasn't the most happening place last night. It had a good-sized crowd around midnight, but I still really wished I had gone to Misshapes. Before I left for Manhattan, I went to the Misshapes website and saw that there was an e-mail address posted to contact for reduced admission. I was kinda pissed I hadn't seen that earlier on this week. No sense in lingering on it now though. I also wanted to check out Motherfucker, but dancing in high heels completely wrecked my feet. I could barely walk by 2 AM let alone go dancing somewhere else. I'm probably gonna watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind soon. If there's one movie that can make me delve deeper into this shitty mood, it's that one. So why bother? Because I was just watching my Michel Gondry DVD and I feel like it! That's why. Tonight I'm hanging out with Melissa and her friends. Maybe that'll cheer me up. I barely got drunk last night. Maybe I'll make up for that tonight.
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