01*31*04 So, that whole Jason thing didn't work out. Big surprise. Actually, no matter how much I told myself not to get my hopes up, I still sorta did; so it was actually a little bit of a surprise. He still hadn't got his phone by Wednesday, which made making plans to hang out and talk rather difficult. I finally just decided I'd rather hear what he had to say through an e-mail than keep waiting. So he told me what he basically said on the phone the previous week: how he can't give me what I want emotionally, and he won't have the time to dedicate to a relationship since he's busy with school. And that all made sense to me. Then he said he was sorry if he led me on. I was already upset things hadn't worked out, and I think that kind of just set me over the top. He had told me that we'd see how everything went when we hung out the previous Saturday night as if that would change something. Things went well and nothing changed. I spent an extra 7 days getting my hopes up when I could have been moving on and doing my own thing. Damn right he led me on! And so I wrote a somewhat bitchy e-mail back to him saying so. I would like to be friends with him again eventually. I think I just need some time to cool off and whatnot. In other news, I went to a really cool karaoke night at the Remote Lounge on Thursday. Had lots of fun. I saw Henry Rollins doing spoken word last night--fucking hysterical. By the end of the night my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Today I got my hipster Emu boots in the mail and wore them all day. Adam, the guy I had my first serious relationship with when I was 18, was supposed to come up tonight and go drinking with me, but he is feeling under the weather. I really felt as though my boots needed to be shown off tonight though, so I called Chris to see what he was doing. He's going to a birthday party in Yonkers and invited me to come with him, so that's where I'm off to in a half hour. I've never been to Yonkers. What a stupid name. I had made plans with Jason weeks ago to see Taxi Driver tonight at this theater on Houston Street, but obviously that's not gonna happen. I really would have liked to have gone too :( On the bright side, I bought fake cat shit at Ricky's the other day while buying my hair dye and tricked Rachael with it. Then she tricked Patrick with it. Pretty friggen hysterical. $2 well spent. While at work yesterday pretending to be busy, I was thinking about Valentine's Day and how I don't want to be all sad and alone that day. So I decided I should throw an anti-Valentine's Day party. I invited all my single friends and people who aren't single but hate Valentine's Day. If you're reading this and want to come, e-mail me your e-mail address and I'll keep you posted on the details. I've never thrown a party before. The only thing I'm worried about is not finding enough people to come. I wanted to get liquored up while watching anti-romance movies, whatever the hell that is. So I figured about ten people could comfortably watch a movie at my place. I'd be happy if ten people came. I wasn't really looking for something huge anyway. Eh, we shall see how many show...oh yes we shall. Mwahahaha. 01*26*04
Bless Melissa's blackened lesbian heart for these:
And I'm just kidding, Melissa's not a lesbian. Just kidding, she is. But her heart's not black; it's a fleshy pink I'm sure. 01*25*04 Interesting weekend so far. Friday night I played pool with Melissa and Chris at B Sides on the lower east side. I'm on a diet, so I hadn't eaten that much before I started drinking. Normally it would have taken about 6 cocktails to get me completely drunk, but that night it took me 3. So a few hours into the night, I was wandering around the streets of Manhattan trying to throw up. I fell once and bruised the palm of my hand in the process. More importantly I scuffed my new boots up! Oh well. Anyway, I was pretty embarrassed how drunk I got when I woke up the next morning and called Melissa and Chris to apologize. But they both thought the whole incident was pretty funny, so that was that. It's nice others can have a laugh at my expense. I don't really care though, I deserved it. Melissa took some incriminating drunk pictures of me which I plan to post as soon as she e-mails them to me. Stay tuned for that. Jason and I had one of our first serious talks a few days after we broke up. Yeah, it was on the phone, but it's a start. I had begun to have second thoughts about us breaking up and wanted to talk to him about going back to dating. Anyway, we basically decided to not decide anything until we saw how things went between us when we hung out last night. I took him to the same vegetarian restaurant Melissa and I had been to the previous Saturday. That place is so good! Everyone should go there. Jason agreed. After playing several games of pool, we went back to Manhattan to a bar called Black and White for an acquaintance of Jason's birthday party. It's amazing how many people this kid knew. The bar was completely packed. It was fun though. Jason and I stayed until sometime between 3 and 4 in the morning. We sat thigh to thigh the whole time, and every now and then he or I would put an arm around the other. It was very frustrating because I wanted to kiss him but I felt like I'd be overstepping some unspoken boundary. Finally we walked back to the subway. We were waiting between the tracks for the L (his line) and the Q (mine). After ten minutes I got up the nerve to tell him I kind of wanted to go back home with him. He said he had to get up early, so it was up to me. When I saw my train coming, I grabbed his hand and walked down to the L with him. So I spent the night at his place. It just felt right. So here's my thoughts on the whole thing: I think it was a good idea for Jason and I to break up because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to take a step outside everything and see if it was really what I wanted. The whole night all I could think was that I do have strong feelings for Jason and that I was too hasty in dismissing the possibility of us working out. I would like to continue seeing him. Of course that's all fine and dandy for me to decide, but obviously he'd have to reciprocate the feelings. I didn't want to talk to him about it this morning because it didn't feel like the right time. And since his phone got stolen, I don't really know when we'll get to talk about it. But I hope things work out. That's really all I can do right now. 01*20*04 >So Jason and I had a talk last night (online) and came to a mutual agreement that we weren't working out. Not feeling as though I could communicate with him on a deeper emotional level was one problem, hence breaking up on AIM. I've had issues about everything for a bit, but I wasn't going to write about it on here since there was a possibility he may have read it. I've been racking my brain to figure what exactly it was that made this relationship fail. We liked all the same things, we got along great...I don't know. From someone's perspective looking in from the outside it would have seemed like we were perfect for one another. But, and Jason agreed, there was just something missing. After two months in other relationships I've been in, I would usually start having feelings leaning towards love by now. But with Jason I just felt like my feelings towards him weren't growing at all. I didn't want to wait it out longer because then it'd have just been more difficult and a waste of both of our time. I'm just frustrated and disappointed that another relationship didn't work out. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm young and I'll meet someone else. And I know everyone is right, but that's just what I'm afraid of. I'm only 22--imagine how many more failed relationships I have in store for me! It's so discouraging. And now I don't know what I look for in a guy. I thought Jason was pretty much everything I wanted. But there just wasn't that spark between us. Rob and I were so wrong for each other but I fell in love with him all the same. It doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. I don't even know if I want to start dating again. I suppose I'll know what I'm looking for once I've found it. Part of me is worried that maybe the problem wasn't that I didn't click with Jason, but that I just didn't really put effort into this relationship. But then again, maybe if I had found the right person it wouldn't have been such an effort. Anyway, so right now I'm sad and I'm feeling a little lonely. I know I was only with Jason for 2 months, but being with someone is kind of addictive. It feels so nice to have someone to sleep in the same bed with, and hug and say sweet things to. It's always difficult for me to adjust to not being in that place anymore, regardless of the duration I had it for. I know I'll adjust though, and thankfully it won't take as much time as it did last time. Well, at least I didn't stay in the relationship when I knew it wasn't working. That's a first. And Jason and I can be friends still since we're not harboring deep feelings for one another, which is usually the reason being friends right after breaking up doesn't work. I talked to him on the phone before to make sure he really was ok with everything. I was freaking out before because I started thinking that maybe I hurt his feelings since I couldn't hear his tone online. But he seemed extremely ok with everything. I, on the other hand, couldn't even ask if he was ok without crying. Not that I wanted him to be sad, but it was a little disheartening that he seemed pretty indifferent about everything. But I wanted to break up, so why do I care!? Grrr. 01*17*04 I haven't been writing very consistently. I guess I feel more inclined to write when I should be doing school work. Well, that won't be a problem in a little while since school starts on the 29th : ( Tonight I went to a vegetarian place in Carroll Gardens with Melissa. It was delish. Then we went across the street to some bar for one drink. Then we saw a pool table and played one game...which turned into 8 games after we paired into teams with some random older guys. I had a lot of fun. I got two free drinks and got to watch Melissa dance drunk. What more could I ask for? I really liked that bar. I'll make Jason go there with me next time. Last weekend I went to Otto's Shrunken Head with Jason to meet up with Patrick and Rachael. The tiki boys were having their monthly dj event, which meant there was an excess of skinheads about. Regardless, we were still having fun amongst ourselves. I saw a lot of old friends and said hello. I also discovered karaoke in the back room, so Rachael and I sung Blondie's Rapture...again. I haven't done karaoke in a while. It felt good. Anyway, I saw Javier there and said hello. He came up to me a few times during the night to shoot this shit, which was fine. Then the last time he came up to me he whispered in my ear that he thought that he was better looking than Jason. I didn't really know what to say to that; I guess I was just taken aback by the whole thing. After he walked away I told Rachael what he said and she thought it was fucked up, so she went over to Javier and told him so. He told her he didn't care. I didn't want to tell Jason what was said because I was afraid a fight would start and 20 skinheads would pound his head in since they can't fight alone. But he knew I was upset so he suggested we switch bars--which we did. I told him what happened after we left and he said he didn't care as long as Javier hadn't said something about me. I thought that was sweet. And he earned bonus points with my mom when I told her about it.
So Jason and I are doing well as far as I can tell. It's especially neat
that Jason and I get along so well with Rachael and Patrick. We all had a
movie night together last night. Well, Rachael fell asleep and Patrick and
Jason didn't like the movie I got. But it's the thought that counts.
Not much else has been going on. I got a hair cut. Milo needs to
be neutered ASAP. I went ice skating in Central Park with Chris. I
still love my new phone; here are some more pictures:
01*06*04 Another glorious day of lounging around doing nothing. I love winter break. I have reached into my inner most depths of laziness today. I am sitting in my room which is in shambles and which I had ample time to clean but did not. I am full from eating pizza that I bought since I didn't feel like riding my bike to the health food store to go grocery shopping. It's actually kind of pathetic, but oh well. I just got done watching Donnie Darko with commentary from the director and Jake Gyllenhaal. I bought it last night since it was on sale and watched it with Rachael and Patrick. I've seen it before, but not everything made sense the first time around. I think I understand it for the most part now. I think it would have been helpful to have watched it knowing it was a sci-fi movie. Anyway, if anyone ever gets to watch this movie on DVD, watch it with the commentary and flip to the scene where Donnie is talking to Frank in the theater; Jake starts imitating what Christopher Walken would sound like as the bunny. It's friggen hysterical. My trip to the Mutter Museum on Saturday was fun. I took some pictures on my phone camera even though I wasn't supposed to. Actually I have a bunch of pictures to post that I've gathered in the past few weeks, so get ready for some eye candy. I was getting kind of confused about the Jason situation (look! I rhymed!), partially because he hadn't changed his status from single to in a relationship on friendster and myspace. And as I typed that I know how silly that sounds, but it does signify something! I thought maybe I had things wrong and that he wasn't my boyfriend. So I asked him and he just said he hadn't had an internet connection and yadda yadda. So basically I was fretting over nothing I suppose. My other issue is that I have a hard time talking to Jason about anything serious. For instance, that conversation I just mentioned we had entirely through text messages. Pretty lame. I have to talk to him about that. Thursday I'm going ice skating with Chris in Central Park. I'm really excited. I went there once with Rob last year and I've been itching to go again. I'm pretty sure I asked Jason if he was interested in going some time and he didn't seem too into it. But I may be making that up. Anywho, I'm gonna post the pictures now. Enjoy.
01*01*04 Happy New Year's! Just kidding. There's nothing happy about this day. Haha, just kidding. Anyway, I had a pretty good New Year's Eve. I drank a disgusting amount of liquor (3 shots of tequila, 3 flutes of champagne, a car bomb and a screwdriver) at a bar called 85A with Jason, Rachael and Rachael's guy, Patrick. I think it took about 10-15 minutes after the ball dropped for all those drinks to really hit me. Once they did I decided I needed to throw up. So I spent the next half hour outside trying to do so. Jason was a good sport and got my stuff from the bar and walked around with me as I looked for potential puking spots. As we were sitting on the sidewalk next to the gates of Tompkins Square park, I stuck my head through the bars of the gate and threw up...a lot. Pretty gross. But I felt better after that. I was still extremely drunk though, so Jason helped me walk to the subway. Everyone outside was just about as drunk as me and we all wished each other Happy New Year. I even gave someone a high five. Jason came back to my place and we fooled around for a few hours. Then I told him he's the only person I want to see, and that seemed to make him happy. So I guess he's my boyfriend now. There were no words spoken to that effect, but I don't know what else that would make him. Anywho, he left around 3 PMish I think and I've pretty much been lazing around in a comatose state ever since. I have such a hangover. I'm gonna go back to bed in a little bit, but I unfortunately have to get up and leave my apartment to go feed Melissa's cats at some point tonight. Saturday Jason and I are going to Philadelphia to visit the Mutter Museum and walk around for a bit. Hopefully I'll get to say hi to Rory as well. Babies in jars and my little fag all in one day--should be fun.
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