8*30*04

I have strep throat. And right now it's hurting especially bad because I am crying. All the heavy breathing involved is adding pressure on my throat. Once again, thank you Gavin. This is probably the 50th time I've cried because of him. Well, I e-mailed him to ask him why he did what he did, so in a way I guess I sort of set the ball in motion. Basically he said he did it because it was his nice way of letting me know he didn't want to be on friendly terms with me. Those two phone calls apparently were two too many. Something about how he is all fucked about relationships; he doesn't want one and doesn't even want the pretense of a friendship because of some family bullshit. And, lucky me, he developed this new theory while we were dating. I cannot express how fucked up this makes me about relationships as well. How can I ever open my heart to anyone again when this is what they do to it? I feel so defeated. I give up, I really do. I want nothing to do with love for a very long time. Fuck it. And fuck him.

The rain on my roof is a baptism--the new me: Ice Woman, Power Emily. My assault on the world begins now.

8*29*04

I suppose I will write an explanation for my last entry. Apparently Gavin came up for the weekend. From what I gather, very early Saturday morning he was sitting around wasted (big surprise!) with some idiots, one being some airhead I went to high school with. Now I've never actually had a conversation with this girl in my life. And since she was two grades below me, her almost nonexistent presence in my life was very short-lived. My friend Katrina, however, tormented her in high school. I guess that makes me guilty by association? I don't know, and I don't really care. It happened five years ago and it was friggen high school. But I guess for some stupid reason this idiotic little girl feels the need to seek some sort of retribution for things that happened to her in high school that she never had the nerve to do anything about back then, and can only go as far as the internet to try do something about now.

Anyway, at some point in what I'm sure was a highly stimulating drunken conversation, my name came up. I'm guessing the turd I went to high school with asked Gavin about us. He gave some sort of reply. Who knows what exactly was said or how long they spent talking about me, but, being as "cool" a gathering as it must have been, they were all taking turns going on myspace. So I guess she felt inclined to message me to tell me she was "with Gavin" and I should stop harassing him.

Being that I've called Gavin twice in one month and he was more than willing to talk with me for a good amount of time, I hardly consider that harassment. What pissed me off was that he wrote a comment on her profile which sort of backed up what she was saying. That and I couldn't believe that after being nothing but nice to him, and supposedly sharing something special together for a bit of time, he would just sit back and let this bitch do what she did and go so far as to play a part in it, too. It was really shitty of him to do that to me. I can't convey how much I did not deserve that. And I don't have any proof, but I also feel like he may have participated in any badmouthing of me started by that moron.

So I was pretty livid after having all this dumped on me first thing when I woke up on Saturday morning. Since I couldn't get in touch with Gavin by phone, and I was going out of my mind with anger, I went all the way to his apartment to yell at him. I don't think he had slept yet and he still looked drunk. At first he tried to act like he had no inkling of what I was talking about. So I signed onto myspace and showed him. He then made the "I've been caught in another lie" face, and tried to explain what happened (all of which you can find above). I told him that he has brought nothing but drama into my life ever since I've met him. The two months we've been broken up were pretty much drama-free; he comes back into NYC for one night and 'boom!'--drama. I said I've been through more than enough shit because of him, all of which I didn't deserve. And the events that happened Saturday morning I also did not deserve. Before I left, I told him not to fuck with me because he's done more than enough damage and asked him if he agreed. He did. On that note, I left.

One, how fucking stupid is it that a bunch of kids sat around in someone's apartment all taking turns logging into myspace while they were drunk?! You guys have such wild parties! When one of their parties gets "crashed" they just mean the internet went down. Two, I find it funny that this little nerd I knew from high school thinks she's all buddy buddy with Gavin when I once commented to him that what she lacks in personality she tries to make up for with tattoos and his exact response was "good call." Oh well, c'est la vie.

8*28*04

Thank you, Gavin. Thank you for making me hate you, as now I am sure it will be much easier to stop thinking of you. If you weren't the immature asshole that you are, I just might have wasted another second of my life caring about you. Best of luck with your meaningless existance to get as wasted as possible with heartless, soulless people that are equally as immature and ridiculous as you are. And as you are most assuredly in a deep intoxicated sleep now, take care not to choke on your own vomit.

8*27*04

Did you know that the movie Titanic grossed $1,835,300,000 worldwide?  (I'm bored)  That's insane.  Can you imagine having that kind of  money?  Nothing would ever be too expensive--ever.  Including the $250 I just spent on three books for school.  Are the pages laced in gold or something?  I don't get it.

I just bought these cool markers that are made for writing on dark paper.  I don't even use the ones I have that are made for light-colored paper, but I couldn't pass it up.  My boss just asked me who Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are.  He lives in a bubble.  A bubble of senility.

So school wasn't so bad today.  I only had to stay for about 15 minutes.  I don't know why I was making such a big deal about it.  And the course actually looks like it may be somewhat interesting.  I'm getting a senior complex though.  I see all these 17-18 year old freshman coming in and I can't help but feel a tad more powerful.  Not like I could actually do anything with that power, like make one of them carry my books or fly :(  Oh well.  I've overheard more than one student in the past few years comment that the main reason they came to college was to find a husband/wife.  !?!?!  What spouse is worth the kind of money you pay to attend college?  What ever happened to going to college to get a job?  Is this the 1950s all over again?  What's going on with kids these days?!  They need a good smack, one which I'll be more than happy to provide them with.

8*26*04

This work day is taking forever! And I even came in an hour late. My boss is driving me crazy. I don't know how I'm going to survive another nine months here without stabbing him. Or without him firing me. I'm such a bitch to him. I just hate people who ask stupid questions. And I hate people who ask for help in doing the simplest things they are perfectly capable of doing by themselves.

Courtney ended up not going out last night, but I saw some people I knew at the Depeche Mode party and spent most of the night hanging out with them. It was ok. I gave my phone number to some guy and I don't know why. I was talking to him for all of three minutes. I wasn't even interested in him. His friend just said I should give them my phone number and at the time I was thinking, "Yes, yes I should." But after I walked away I wished I hadn't. Oh well. I had a screwdriver and a vodka and cranberry which both tasted like they had a hint of tequila in them. Very gross. It made me feel weird later on. Maybe that explains the phone number incident.

I had the weirdest sex dream last night. It's too graphic and embarrassing to write about here, so I wrote about it in my secret journal. Anyway, something was happening in my dream which caused me to wake up and realize I was an hour late to work. Apparently I set my alarm but failed to actually turn it on. I have to go to work late tomorrow as well since I have to go to school and take care of some things for my forensic science class. A little bird told me we have to have a minimum of 15 hours of lab time per week for this class. That's just insane.

I have three netflix movies to watch tonight, and after I send those back I have all 4 seasons of The Simpsons coming to me (not at once). I can't wait. Let's see anyone try to defeat me in my Simpsons Jeopardy board game after that! I dare you. You know who you are.

8*25*04

My mom just left. I had to cancel with her on Sunday because I felt too sick, so she came up today instead. We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and then got a pedicure together. Then we checked out the Farmer's Market at Union Square and headed back to Brooklyn for dinner. I love my mom to bits, but she walks too fucking slow and it drives me nuts. If you can't keep up with me when I walk, don't walk with me! I was tempted to leave her behind several times. Other than that it was a nice day.

Now I'm waiting for 9:30 to arrive so I can go back into Manhattan once again to meet Courtney at Luke and Leroy's. I don't even like that place, but they're having a Depeche Mode night and I've wanted to check it out for a while. I hope it doesn't suck. I haven't really gone out at night since Friday because I was so sick, but now I'm rarin to go! That's actually a lie; I'm really tired. But I'm hoping some secret stored energy I don't know about will kick in and get me dancing tonight. I just hope I don't have a relapse and get sick again tomorrow.

It's getting chilly outside. In one respect I like it because I have all these new jackets I want to wear. Jacket weather is nice. On the other hand it means summer is coming to an end, and that's just depressing. Fuck school, fuck winter. Autumn, you're okay, but you get cold too quick.

8*23*04

I just got an e-mail from what I'm assuming is the professor for my forensic science class this semester saying that he wanted to remind everyone that lab starts this Friday. Doesn't a person have to be told a first time in order to be reminded? Why didn't I know about this!? Why does lab start before class does next Thursday? Why do I already hate this guy before I've even met him!? I have work this Friday! I don't want to go to school! Ever again! I really really should have taken a year off.

I've now got about an even amount of votes for black and red hair. So I've decided to keep the black hair for a few months and then at some point go back to red. I'm getting x-rays tomorrow. I fractured my skull in several places. Just kidding. I'm gonna see if I have scoliosis. Loads of fun.

I'm feeling a bit better. But now that I got that e-mail I'm filled with anxiety. Why wasn't I a liberal arts major? I would have breezed through school in four years and looked back upon it all with nothing but fond memories. Instead I'm stuck taking tests that bring at least 15% of my classmates to tears and make me dread every semester. And watch, I'll most likely end up temping when I graduate. Something I am more than qualified to do right now. College is a sham!

8*23*04

It is 6 in the morning--I've been up since 4:30. I think I woke up because my throat was bothering me. Why I can't fall back asleep is beyond me. I was really tired, but now I don't even think I am. Plus something is biting me. I have bug bites all over my legs. I don't see a mosquito, so I guess it's something in my bed. I don't see anything in my bed though. I thought maybe it was fleas but that doesn't really make any sense since I have two indoor cats. I'll change the sheets before I attempt to go back to sleep. Ack the sun is coming up. Damn you!

I got 5 more votes in my hair color poll. It seems like people are leaning towards red. I think I'll dye it back before the first day of classes next week. Don't those who voted feel good that you were able to help me make a decision? Don't those who didn't vote feel guilty? You should.

8*21*04

Goddamn it people! How hard is it to to pick a color for me and hit submit? It'll take you half a friggen second. I've only gotten three responses so far and I know for a fact there are more people than that who read this thing. I can't be expected to make my own decisions. So the stupid poll stays up top until more of you respond.

I feel very sick. I didn't go out Thursday night because that's when I started getting this wicked cold. So I figured I'd rest up Thursday night so I'd feel better for Courtney's party Friday night. It sorta worked, but I made myself the strongest cocktails on the planet at her party and got way too drunk. I shouldn't be allowed to make my own drinks. I always make them too strong. It was not my intention to get as drunk as I did. So I ended up sitting in her bathtub throwing up while people were peeing in her toilet. I had the shower curtain as a divider. I don't think I was in there for too long. I'm pretty sure I went right to her bedroom afterwards and fell asleep on her bed. I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing aside from throwing up. I woke up with a terrible hangover and an intensified cold.

I basically have just been taking it easy today. I've gone through about 30 tissues and countless glasses of water. I screwed around on the computer, watched movies, took a bath and cleaned up since my mom is coming here tomorrow at noon. I'm giving her my old laptop, so I've been trying to remove all the porn before I hand it over. Just kidding. I don't have any porn :( But I did have to go through my files and save all my pictures. Before I wipe the hard drive clean, I want to plug my iPod in one last time to see how many times I've listened to the Fall of Troy since the end of May. It's gotta be somewhere around 100 times. It's just gotta be!

Aww I love my kitties. They've been keeping me company all day. Meow. Bedtime.

8*19*04

Can't decide, go back to red or keep it black?  You decide for me:

Your hair color should be Black Red  
You'll most likely get an error message after you hit submit, but I'll still get the results.  So don't try again.  Thanks.

Morrissey is playing a bunch of east coast dates towards the beginning of October.  Being that I saw him back in May three times and spent well over $200 to do so, I'm not sure if I'll be attending this time around.  When I saw him back in 2000, tickets were only $35 or something like that.  Who does he think he is raising his prices to $75!?  What a wiener. 

I'm meeting up with Courtney for open bar as usual tonight.  She's also having a party at her place tomorrow night which I plan to go to.  I never made it to vomitorium or movieoke this week.  I was too tired.  Getting up early for that interview the other day threw me all out of whack.  I finally saw Evil Dead last weekend.  I've never seen a trilogy in reverse order before.  I dated someone a few years ago who told me Army of Darkness was the best one, so we watched that.  Then Gavin told me Evil Dead II was the best, so we watched that.  Now this.  I can't remember Army of Darkness all that well, so I'm gonna have to agree with Gavin. 

The fall semester is looming over my head like a plague.  I sooooooooo do not want to go back to school.  I am enjoying the way my laid back schedule is now.  Mmm, I do only have one day of classes, but it still sucks.  I'm aiming to bring my GPA back up to a 3.0, but I always have optimistic goals of doing well in school at the start of every semester.  That lasts for a month tops.  But I mean it this time damn it! 

8*18*04

Buy these for me and I'll love you 'til the day I die. Size: 7, Color: Pink, Lyric: "Sweetness I was only joking", Pattern: Sparrow. That is all.

8*17*04

I am so tired.  I don't want to be at work.  Then again, when do I?  My "interview" this morning turned out to be more like a three hour orientation for the NYPD.  I don't understand why I had to sit through all that when I don't even have the internship and most likely won't get it.  What was the point...except to waste my time.  Arg.

Last night Melissa and I were commenting on how cheesy the relationship between Predator and the main human chick was.  We decided there should be a sequel called "Predator Meets the Parents".  The trailer would show that chick walk into her parents' den and say, "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiancé.  This is Predator."  Cue Predator's entrance and the parents gasping in horror.  Flash to next scene: chick screaming with tears in her eyes, "Why can't you just accept him!?"  And the parents responding, "But he tried to kill us!"  Chick: "You never like any of my boyfriends!"  You get the idea.  I think it's genius!  Hmm, it reminds me of my short-lived Corpsey comic.  The idea was for a college girl (who, oddly enough, looks like me) to move into her new dorm room only to find her roommate dead in bed.  She continues to live out the rest of the term with a corpse as a roommate.  The catch was that she still fought with her all the time.  My best one was where she comes home and finds the corpse in bed wearing her hat.  The live roommate then proceeds to yell at Corpsey for always taking her stuff without asking.  There was also one where the live roommate's boyfriend cheats on her with Corpsey, explaining that he wanted to "jump her bones" from the first moment he saw her.  Har har.  But I can't draw very well, so RIP Corpsey.

Back to work, i.e. instant messaging.

8*16*04

Boy did Predator vs. Alien suck. I wasn't expecting greatness. I was even expecting it to suck a little. But it far exceeded those expectations. How does one completely ruin a movie that could have been somewhat good? Toddlers could have written a better script. Ugh. What a waste.

I have my first internship interview tomorrow. I haven't been on a job interview in three years. I'm a little nervous. It's all so last minute. I just called the NYPD forensic lab today and they said come in tomorrow at 8 AM. I SO do not want to get up that early. Oh well. It seems like I have very little chance of getting the position anyway because my stinkin GPA has dropped below 3.0 since I failed that one class. Why didn't I drop it when I had the chance!? I actually already know the answer to that. I missed class the day the teacher handed back our midterms because I wanted to sleep late with Gavin...which seemed entirely worth it at the time. Anyway, since I didn't know my grade, I didn't realize how bad I did and missed the cutoff point to drop. The end.

Well, aside from seeing the movie, I was pretty productive today. Got a prescription refilled, went to school and got some things taken care of, bought more black hair dye because the red is already showing through in my hair. I also went to Circuit City to buy an adapter for my printer to work on my Mac. Turns out there's no such adapter and I have to get a new printer and scanner. I want to know why an adapter for this hasn't been made! Everything else has been made, why not this? Find who's responsible and bring me their head.

Looks like one of my cats has a tummy ache, which means that for the next few days lovely poop drippings will be covering the closet walls where the litter box is kept. Fun. Somewhat related but not really: there is something called Vomitorium going on tomorrow night near St. Marks Place. People will be gorging themselves and then puking as an "artistic" statement of the political state of America today. I think I may swing by and watch for a few minutes just for kicks. I don't think I can handle too much of it though. I miss Courtney. She went away to Texas for a few days. Hopefully she'll be back in time for something called movieoke, which I'm guessing is like karaoke except you say lines to movies instead. Could be cool depending on what movies they have. Bah I have to go to bed early now. This sucks!

8*14*04

Ack I can't believe it's already the middle of the month. Where did it go? Right now I'm waiting for Katrina to wake up so we can go to Park Slope for breakfast. Well, it'll be more like brunch by that point since it's already 12:30. Even though we went to bed around 5 AM, I still got up before 11. I'm cursed with not being able to sleep late. But blessed with the gift of napping. I made plans to meet up with some girl off myspace tonight, but I think I may have to reschedule. I've been out every night since Tuesday. I think I need a break tonight.

Last night I went to Lit with Katrina and Carlos. I don't like the music they play on Fridays and the crowd kinda sucked. So we went to a couple of other bars and danced for a little bit. Then somehow we ended up back at Lit again. I guess I wasn't as enthused about the night since I had been out late the night before (Thursday) and had so much more fun.

Thursday night I met up with Courtney for open bar at Lit as usual. It was more crowded than I've ever seen it on a weekday. Melissa joined us halfway through the hour, which surprised me since she usually makes fun of me for going there. But she ended up loving it. Many pictures were taken and many drinks were drunk. We ended up dancing in the basement for most of the night. Good times were had by all.

Last night Katrina told me she wished she had taken me up on my offer when I asked her to be my roommate months ago. That'd be awesome if she moved here, even if we aren't roommates. I'm a little hesistant about ever living with a friend again anyway. Last time I tried that I was screwed out of money and now we're not friends. Oh well, live and learn.

Pictures!

8*12*04

Decided to dye my hair black yesterday for no particular reason. I don't know if I like it or not. I may dye it red again next week, but until then:

no colors anymore, I want them to turn black

me with black hair

same thing

right before I dyed my hair

8*11*04

Make up, to break up, to take up my time.  And SO much of my time has been taken up by this.  Even after more than a month after it all has ended.  I can say I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was last month, but I can't say that my thoughts aren't constantly consumed by everything still.  I guess I'm just having a little set back at the moment.  Maybe because I'm currently feeling extra sensitive...I don't know.  I hate him for making me feel this way.  I hate him for making me feel like he once loved me.  I hate me for actually falling for it.  I hate that I meant it when I told him I loved him.  If I hadn't, I wouldn't still be thinking about this shit.  All I want to do is forget the whole fucking mess ever happened.  I'm so angry that I can't do that.  I'm angry that I've resorted to drinking more to help myself forget.  So stupid.

8*10*04

Ah I love when I get to make newsletters at work.  It's probably what I enjoy doing the most here.  Well, that and leaving.  Unfortunately I only get to do the newsletter three times a year.  I just stubbed my toe.  Ow.  I saw the Garden State with Geoff on Sunday.  It was ok; depressing to watch if you're single.  Saturday I played a drunk game of Scrabble with my roommate and then we watched 25th Hour.  Speaking of my roommate, about a month ago I showed her a pair of boots I wanted to buy in some catalog.  I didn't get them though because I wanted to try them on first to make sure they fit.  Anyway, she came home Saturday night and she holds up MY boots and says, "Look!  I got those boots you wanted."  Now I'm not one of those girls that gets all hissy when some other girl has the same shirt, shoes, etc. as me, but what pissed me off was that they were on clearance for half off and she said they had one pair left in my size.  Then she said, "I was gonna call you to tell you but..."  But she didn't!  And the next day I made it to the shoe store just in time to see some other girl stealing my boots.  What the hell!  Arg. 

This morning I caught Milo chewing my headphones so I punched him in the head.  I just meant to smack him.  I hope he doesn't hate me now.  He can be such a little shit sometimes!

This week looks like it's going to be pretty fun.  I have off Thursday and Friday, so I have a four-day weekend!  Katrina is coming up Friday night and staying until Sunday.  I had so much fun with her last time she came up, so I'm really looking forward to that.  Tonight I'm seeing some show with Courtney.  I don't really know who the bands are though.  Anyway, I'm booked every night until Sunday, so I'm pretty happy.  Although, I am a little worried about the amount of drinking I'll be doing.  I guess I'll try and keep it calm tonight and tomorrow, but no promises for the rest of the week.  Sorry liver.  Why isn't it 6 yet?  Bah.

8*07*04

Check out my homepage! I finally changed it after four years.

8*06*04

My boss has been working on the same awful article for over a year now.  It sucks.  No matter what he does to improve it, it'll always suck.  And I've edited it and sent it to the media a dozen times, and they never respond...because it sucks.  And lo and behold my task this morning is to once again edit this piece of crap and send it to the media again.  What a waste of time. 

Courtney and I went to open bar at Lit last night.  I had five cocktails in under an hour.  I've been drinking a lot this summer.  The way I justify it is that I never drank in high school or my first year of college, and never really drank that much even when I did start drinking, and will stop drinking so much when school starts.  Get off my back!  I was informed by the DJ last night (whom I dated very briefly last summer) that a George Romero box set is coming out next month.  I am very excited.  Speaking of box sets, I bought the Indiana Jones trilogy on eBay.  I've wanted that forever.  My roommate told me she's only seen one of them.  That amazes me.

Last night I had been running full speed from the subway to get home quick to pee when I heard my name called.  I turned and saw Melissa with a few friends.  I was a tad surprised to see her being that it was 2:30 in the morning and she doesn't live in my neighborhood.  She informed me that her girlfriend and her were no longer together and wanted to come over tonight and get drunk.  So those are my plans tonight.  Mmm, my stomach isn't feeling too good all of a sudden.  Blah.  I hope I throw up on my boss.   

Trying to make the most of open bar before the hour's up

I look insane

Courtney imitating someone dancing... you had to be there

lushes.  Is it just me, or do my eyes look reddish- brown?

open bar crowd they're vicious

8*04*04

For Melissa, Gavin and whomever else is obessesed with Fensler's GI Joe PSAs, I made an index. Why on earth would I do this? I can't fall asleep! Meh.

8*03*04

So now I'm using Adobe GoLive to update my site. I think I like it better. Now that I have my web program taken care of, I just have to figure out why my computer is not recognizing my iPod when I plug it in. That can't be good.

Courtney and I went back to Arlene's Grocery for punk rock karaoke last night. She finally got to sing (see pics below). I attempted to sing the Misfits again but someone beat me to it. It wasn't the same song I had wanted to sing, but it just wouldn't have been as fun for me to sing them if someone already had. I'd be old news. While I was waiting for my subway home in Union Square, some Russian guy came up to me and asked me something in Russian. When I told him I didn't know what he was saying, he seemed surprised and said I looked Russian. He then proceeded to talk to me until I got to my stop in Brooklyn. He wasn't being crude or anything, so I didn't have the heart to tell him all I really wanted to do was listen to my iPod and go to sleep. He was telling me how the women in his country are usually married by the time they're 18 and if they're 22 it's already too late for them to find husbands. And they must be virgins. I asked him if that was what he looked for in a woman here and he said no. But then he told me that he gets very jealous and needs the girl he's dating to ask his permission if she wants to go out with her friends and to always tell him where she's going. I laughed at him and asked if he was serious. He was. I told him I had a boyfriend right off the bat because I was not interested AT ALL. But that didn't stop him from asking for my number before I got off the train. AND he had just got done telling me he had a girlfriend! What a sleaze. The same thing happened to me last week on my way home from karaoke except it was two guys I wasn't interested in. I also told them I had a boyfriend.

So what I've concluded from all this is that the fact a girl has a boyfriend (or a pretend boyfriend) doesn't deter men from hitting on her still. Usually the second question I get asked after "do you have a boyfriend?" is "how long have you been together?" My response is usually some arbitrary number of years. And then they seem disappointed because I guess if I had answered 3 months they'd see an opportunity to break us up. Then they ask if I'm in love and if I'm happy to yet again see if there's anyway they have a chance. What the hell?! If I was in any way, shape or form interested , I'd never have said I had a boyfriend in the first place...and that goes for when I'm in a relationship or not. Anyway, it's just annoying. I don't think I act like I'm interested, so I don't know why these people continued to pursue anyway. Next time I'm saying I'm married and my ring is in the shop.

Apparently my boss was on the Ali G show this past Sunday. Carlos called me to tell me since I don't have cable. Carlos once designed a book for my boss, so he knows what he looks like. I think it was back in February some people wanted to film a guy pitching book ideas to my boss. He was wary at first, but they gave him $150 and he said yes. The pitches consisted of writing a book on the Lord of the Rings movies and the autobiography of George Bush. If you have HBO on demand, watch this show and look for an old man with white hair. They may say the name of the publishing company which is Greeneagle Press. I gotta get my hands on that episode. My boss seemed pretty happy today when I told him he was on HBO. Well, I could've been on too, but I chose not to come to work that day. All that fame would've gone to my head.

8*03*04

Picture time:
 

8*01*04