8*20*03

I was really sad yesterday. I think I've been listening to Portishead too much. Anyway, since Javier and I had already made plans to go to a bar last night, I decided to get drunk. I hadn't really eaten much all day, so after three screwdrivers I was pretty out of it. Javier and I played three rounds of pool and I won two of them. He only won the other one because he cheated when I wasn't looking. Then we ended up kissing in the basement of Manitoba's. I felt bad today because I'm sending him so many mixed signals. But we talked today and he's willing to just go with the flow until it starts to bother him. I just don't know what I want right now.

I just got to my mom's house in NJ a half hour ago. I danced in my car to Miss Kittin all the way here. She's my new obsession. Rory turned me on to her last week when we hung out. He said she was last month's obsession for him. Anyway, I'm here to get my teeth cleaned in the morning. I've had the same dentist since I was 12. I hope I don't have any cavities. I just hate tooth decay! After the dentist I'm going to my mom's nail salon for a pedicure and a manicure. My mom just called me a brat before because I kept trying to go on the internet while she was on. I can't help it! This thing is an addiction.

So I'm seeing Bjork on Friday with Melissa and Rory at the Cyclone Stadium. It should be quite an experience. I don't know what's going on with Melissa and me right now. I wrote her another e-mail last night in a drunken stupor and I can't really remember what it said. Nothing mean though. Saturday I'm helping Rachael move out of Harlem and into the ghetto of Brooklyn. She has a couple of friends helping out too, so hopefully it won't be too bad. Her cat is moving in too. That's one of the main things we're worried about. I think he's gonna beat my kittens up. My poor babies. Meow.

8*18*03

I was in bitch mode all weekend. A number of things set me off, i.e. seeing Rob's in a relationship from his friendster profile, being tired from all the walking and biking I did due to the blackout and of course, the mother of all reasons to be a bitch, PMS. I rebelled against all social outings all weekend and boarded myself in my apartment with nothing but a bunch of movies. I got a chance to know myself better and I realized I watch too many movies.

I also got a chance to write some hate mail to anyone who happened to be on my shit list, which was just Melissa and Rob at the moment. First off, I've been pissed at Melissa for a long time for what I felt like was completely abandoning our friendship for her girlfriend. She's done it to me before, said she was sorry, but keeps right on doing it. And not only that, but I was really there for her when she went through a tough break up with her first girlfriend; but when I was upset about Rob she was no where in sight. So we wrote some unfriendly e-mails back and forth and I basically told her she's not my friend. And I guess that's that.

I messaged Rob last night before I went to bed. It was not well-thought out and I sorta regretted it today. But at the same time I'm kind of glad I did it. I basically said to him that I thought he couldn't handle being in a relationship, that I hoped this new girl broke his heart like he did mine, and then I called him an asshole. I know I shouldn't have let him know it bothers me, but I'm just glad I got to call him an asshole. At least I feel a tiny bit better about it.

Javier read what I wrote about me wanting to be just friends with him before I got to tell him personally. He came over yesterday and told me he read it and I felt like a dick for having him find out like that. But he's reluctantly agreed to be just friends and we're hanging out tomorrow. And from now on I can't write about what goes wrong on dates anymore if I know there's a possibility they could read what I wrote.

Speaking of dates, or meetings, (I apparently still can't tell the difference) I met a really nice guy from friendster tonight. We went to Red Bamboo and then went and had drinks. I had a good time and we said we'd call each other next week...and we actually meant it. I made it a point to tell him beforehand not to say he'd call if he had no intentions to do so. So that's been my past three days in a nutshell. Rachael got back from France today and I can't wait for her to move in. Although I'm sure she's dreading the whole process. And hopefully my bitch mode will wear off soon with a little help from Midol. Bjork this Friday!

8*16*03

I'm sweating like a mo'fo. My legs are so achy. I watched both my movies and ended up going to bed kinda late last night. Then I woke up too early, so I had to go back to bed around noon. There's a Rumblers' car show and bands at Union Pool today that I was going to meet Javier at, but I don't feel like going. I want to do something though. But there's no one I know I feel like doing something with except for Rachael and she doesn't come home until tomorrow.

Javier seems to really like me. I was thinking about it yesterday and I think I need to tell him I'm only interested in being friends with him. I'm just not feeling a connection with him like he seems to be with me. And I feel like maybe I led him on because I kissed him back when he kissed me on our date. I kind of wanted to just go on a date and not have any of that. I wanted mental stimulation only.

I was perusing Friendster last night before I went to bed and being the idiot I am, I decided to look at Rob's profile. His profile says he's in a relationship, whereas only a few weeks ago it said single. I'm so pissed off. I'm trying very hard not to be, but I can't help it. There's the possibility he put that there for reasons other than him actually being in a relationship. But on the off chance that he is one, I really want to punch him in the face. I thought he couldn't handle being in a relationship in general, not just with me. I wanted him to spend all his days alone. And I certainly didn't want him to find someone before me. Who the hell would be as dumb as me to put up with his bullshit?! And now I feel like maybe back in June when I asked him repeatedly if there was someone else and he repeatedly told me no, he might have been lying. Otherwise, then he probably met this person rather recently and I'm surprised he'd jump into a relationship with them so soon being that he's terrified of commitment. Why am I obsessing about this!? I need to get outside.

8*15*03

Wow, what a crazy last 30 hours it's been. I was at work on the Upper West Side of Manhattan when the blackout happened. My boss had a radio with batteries so we just sat in his living room and listened to it while drinking wine. We did that for about two hours and then I decided I wanted to go home. My boss kinda skeeves me out and I really like my own bed, so I wasn't about to sleep at his place. At first I thought I had it all figured out; I got on a crosstown bus to the East Side and transferred to a downtown bus. It was so crowded I could barely breath. Since we moved about two inches in twenty minutes, and the crowd was making me crazy, I decided to get the hell off and walk home. That was at 70th Street and 2nd Avenue. From there I walked downtown, over the Manhattan Bridge and all the way to the middle of Brooklyn where I live (around 10 miles). I think it took me around 3 1/2 hours. And the whole way I was wearing flip flops. My poor feet :(

But the whole way walking downtown in Manhattan was just crazy. The traffic was crazy and there were people everywhere. And they were all drunk. It was like a big party. Every bar was overflowing with people trying to drink away the blackout. In Brooklyn everyone was outside as well, but I don't think they were drunk. One person asked me where I was walking from and when I told them they didn't believe me. Then someone else threw a water balloon at me (at least I hope it was water). Luckily it hit my feet and felt very soothing since my feet were very dry and chafed by that point. I got home at midnight and slept on the couch with my kittens.

Today I biked to work and back. I had a thin layer of salt covering my body by the time I got home. I was talking to some people around my neighborhood and they said the power just came on a few hours ago around here. I missed you electricity! I had to postpone my meeting/date last night and tonight. Instead, I have a date with some movies I just rented. I got the most amazing work out the past two days, but I just need to veg out right now.

8*13*03

I feel like I should clarify some things I wrote last time. I didn't bring up the fact I have four dates with four different people this week because I have a big head about it, I brought it up because I'm amazed by it. I've gone from never dating whatsoever, to this. And they weren't really all dates anyway. Two of them were/are more friendly meetings. I've received some unwanted and undeserving comments about what I wrote; and while I shouldn't have to explain myself to anybody, I don't think I'm conceited and hope I don't come off as that. But then again, how else could I come off having an entire website dedicated to myself? Oh well. If you don't like what you read here, don't read it!

And I was going to take away the link I have on Friendster to this page, but I've gotten so many hits to my site from having it there that it'd be a shame to lose that. But I do think Javier read what I wrote about how I felt about him being a skinhead before we went on our date. And I feel really bad about that now. He's a really nice guy and we had a nice time. He said he's gonna fly me around Manhattan Saturday night. It sounds like a lot of fun, but I also don't want him to go out of the way for me like that just for a second date. I don't ask for much. At least I don't think I do. Unless you count diamond-laced gowns and weekly trips to Paris as a lot.

I met up with a kid from Friendster on Sunday night for drinks. We ended up playing pool, which I haven't done since 7th grade. But I won both games I played, mostly due to very dumb luck. He ended the night kinda early and I figured it was legitimate since he had been working until almost 3 in the morning the night before. But then he said "I'll probably talk to you tomorrow". And with those final words I had a feeling we'd never talk again. That's almost exactly what Jason said to me before we stopped talking. I don't get why people say that if they have no intention of following through. All you have to say is "It was nice meeting you. Have a nice night." Then you're all set. The other person has no expectations of hearing from you again because you never made such a statement. Anyway, it just bugs me because I seem to like guys that don't like me. But I think a lot of people are like that. The thrill of the chase and all. "I want the one I can't have, and it's driving me mad."

8*10*03

I'm beginning to think that maybe I should take away the link I have on Friendster to this part of my website. Most of the people I want to talk about at the moment are on that site and if I think they're reading this then I can't really say what's on my mind. I have to censor my thoughts!

So at the moment it looks like I have four dates with four different guys this week. Two of them I've already met, two of them I've been talking to on Friendster and will meet for the first time.

I went to that show last night and I wore my strapless dress. It was basically an art gallery of horror paintings and they also had a room where psychobilly bands were playing. I got there too early and didn't know anyone. I asked Ari to come and he met up with me a couple hours later. But just before he came I started talking to this other guy who I'm having dinner with tomorrow night. He was really sweet and he flies planes, which is neat. I didn't mean for that to rhyme. Anyway, so the show eventually got way too crowded and hot, and since the Friendster guy I was supposed to meet at 1 AM couldn't make it (but who I'm meeting for drinks later tonight), Ari and I left. We went to a bar in Brooklyn where Ari knew some people, and ended up making out again. Before I knew it, it was 4 in the morning and Ari wanted to go home with me. But I said no and he left an hour later. I don't want to say anymore about that for now.

So this pilot, Javier, was so nice and the only person who bothered to talk to me. He saw that I was alone, came up and asked if I was alone, I said yes and he said "Oh, well come hang out with me and my friends." I felt like he was my knight in shining armor. But he's a skinhead, and while I was friggen crazy about skinheads in high school, I don't really understand the point of them now. Eh, I'll see what happens. Is there really anything else I can do? Oh and I remembered the last person I kissed that I wasn't in a relationship with. It was some kid I met off the internet before Rob and I started going out. He was so gross and I'm convinced he gave me strep throat.

This is me right before I went to the show. I don't think I'm really that pale.

8*09*03

I rented a bunch of movies last night with the intentions of staying in and watching them. I watched one and then decided I wanted to go out. So I made some phone calls and got in touch with Ari. We met through Friendster (of course) and have hung out a few times. Anyway, we met in the East Village and ended up making out in Niagra. I really didn't think that was going to happen. Had I thought so, I'd have taken a shower before going out. I mean, I took one that morning, but I had been walking all day, and I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, yadda yadda. Not that I smelled or anything, but I'd just have felt better if I had felt cleaner. But whatever, what's done is done...and Ari's a good kisser. I can't remember the last time I kissed someone I wasn't in a relationship with.

While I was on my way to the subway to go to Manhattan last night, one of the guys whose phone calls I've been trying to avoid called me. It caught me off guard and I didn't recognize the number, so I answered. Talk about persistent; if I called someone and left a message and they didn't call me back, I'd just leave it at that. But he was being nice and I was flustered so I agreed to go to a poetry reading with him next Friday. It doesn't really sound like my kind of thing at all, but I'll give it a shot.

I feel weird about last night. I don't know how it came to be, but we spent most of the night talking about sex. And I don't really have a problem with that, but now I feel like I made myself out to be some "naughty" girl. I don't want to be perceived like that because then I'll feel like that's the only light he'll ever see me in and from here on out everything will always be sexual. And I've done the whole sex-only relationship with Geoff and I'm totally not interested in something like that again. I don't know, I guess I'll just have to see what happens. I'm queen of over-analyzing everything.

8*07*03

Someone just messaged me on Friendster and said I was gorgeous and congratulated me for winning the genetic lottery. That's the funniest thing I've heard all day...aside from Rachael telling me I have to give blow jobs to the guys who are delivering her mattress here. But really, would I put unflattering pictures up of me? No. I would say that the pictures I have up of me are a gross misrepresentation, but they look good, so they stay.

I just watched Chicago for the first time since I saw it in the movies. I feel like dancing! I'm having doubts about wearing my strapless new dress to this show I'm going to Saturday. I want to wear it before the summer is over, but I don't know if this thing on Saturday is the appropriate place to wear it. Plus I'm really self-conscious about my arms. So why'd you buy a strapless dress Emily? Because it was cute, that's why! It looks like a 50s party dress! And since this thing on Saturday has the whole horror movie/psychobilly theme, I'm thinking I may be able to get away with it. Worse that can happen is I get there and there's a bunch of punks in jeans and I feel really out of place and want to go home and change. Actually that is pretty bad. Ugh. Plus my chances of finding someone to go with me are looking very slim at the moment, so if I feel stupid I won't have anyone to talk to to pretend I feel fine. I'm meeting a new person from Friendster there, but he's not coming until 1 AM. Oh, and that's another issue: it starts at 8 PM, but no one goes to these things on time; on the other hand I don't want to miss any of the supposedly crazy performances that're going on. So many decisions.

I have off from work until next Tuesday. I don't know what to do with myself for four whole days. I have some things planned, but not four-days worth. Rachael leaves for France tomorrow for ten days. Lucky bitch. Then she's moving in the weekend after she gets back and my short journey as a solo apartment dweller will come to an end. I do like living alone, but I can't wait to live with Rachael. Everyday will be one big ball of fun...until we get sick of each other and start secretly plotting each other's demise.

8*05*03

So I guess the big news of the day is that I told Rob that I couldn't handle being friends with him. I started freaking out about him again and I cried yesterday for the first time since June. I thought I was completely over him. But it turns out I'm still really hurt about the whole thing.

Plus I feel really disillusioned by my whole dating experience. I haven't really met anyone I'm interested in. And the few people I have met that I was interested in, didn't seem interested in me. I'm sick of explaining why I'm majoring in Forensic Science and every other detail about me. I'm sick of playing e-mail tag with guys I don't know. I'm sick of guys calling me that I wish I never gave my phone number to in the first place, forcing me to screen all my phone calls and making me feel like a dick. I don't know what I want, but it sure isn't this.

I'm angry and disappointed in myself for wanting to get back with Rob so badly. I really thought I was beyond this. I feel like I've digressed so much. I'm hoping that now that he's out of my life again I can move on as quickly as I did before. I don't even know if I want to meet another guy at this point. I move from one shithead to the next and I don't do anything about it until it explodes in my face. I always just settle for guys that are only ok and hope I can mold them into what I want. And I know I deserve so much better. I deserve someone smart and good-looking and who will make me pee my pants laughing and cares about me just as much as I care about them, if not more, and actually has the guts to show it. But just because someone deserves something, doesn't mean they're gonna get it. And I guess that's why I settle.

8*03*03

It's 6:30 Sunday morning. Why am I up this early? Good question. I'd have to say it's mostly because I can't breathe out of my nose. I attempted to blow my nose but it went awry and I felt like I blew my eardrum out in the process. So I got up hoping that if I were to sit or stand, my nose would return to normal, which it did. But if I go back to sleep I find myself in the same predicament all over again. Eh.

Yesterday I picked Rachael up in Harlem, filled my car up with a lot of her stuff and brought her and her stuff back to my place. We finished unloading around 5 PM and then spent the next 6 hours painting her new room. We're almost completely rid of that hideous blue it used to be. But I think I pushed myself a little too much, which is how, I'm convinced, this nasty cold was spawned. Cursed cold! Ack, I'll live...maybe.

Yesterday morning was Rob's second half of his fireman test. I knew it was the most important thing in the world to him to get a 100, so I called him before the test and wished him good luck. He called me afterwards to let me know he got his 100. I'm really happy for him. I know how long he's been waiting for this and how hard he's trained for it. He really deserved it. And he seemed to really appreciate that I called. My decision to call was a last minute thing after much debate. I had wanted him to call me first since he was the one who wanted to be friends, but I caved. What am I doing? I don't know! Arg.

This girl is a nerd, get me outta here