4*29*04

Why do I continually date people who hurt me?  I'm cursed.  No joke.  I kept telling myself to stop worrying about everything working out and start believing it will.   Little did I know it was fucked from the very first week.  I am sitting here in a zombie-like state of shock.  This is not happening.  I have never in my life had someone do something so malicious to me.  All this time I kept thinking what a great person he was and how this was possibly the best relationship I've ever had.  Well, it could have been except one problem--Gavin's an alcoholic who has no self control.  None whatsoever.  I keep thinking about all the times I've mentioned to him how I felt about people keeping secrets from one another, and what I would want him to do if a certain kind of situation were to ever arise (unbeknownst to me at the time, it already had).  I also expressed my concern to him of the possibility of him getting drunk to the point where he may find himself in that situation.  He confidently told me "that would never happen."  Keep in mind of course that I said all of this after said situation had already occurred.  Point being I gave him ample opportunities where he could have told me the truth, but he didn't.  Not to say the outcome would have been much different.  It's possible.  But if it were the same outcome, at least I could have dealt with this sooner and not have grown so emotionally involved with him to the point where I am hurting this much now.

I really want to be with him.  But I can't get over this.  No way.  Can't trust him again.  Maybe if he stopped drinking.  But otherwise, no.  I'm not spending every night he's out drinking with his friends, or the whole summer worrying about what he's doing while I'm not around and he's too drunk to control himself.

I am SO utterly disappointed.  I have such a mix of emotions running through me at the moment I feel like I'm going to explode.  Angry, sad, confused, regretful, pathetically hopeful, amazed, vengeful...everything.  This sucks.  I don't know what else to say or do.  I want to remove myself from myself and be someone else until this blows over.  I don't want to deal with this.  It's not fucking fair.   

4*26*04

Bah!

4*25*04

I finally posted my roommate listing on Craig's List.  Now I'll probably have to sift through e-mails all week and figure out who I'd get along with and schedule a time to meet them this weekend.  I asked Gavin to come over during the meeting process so I feel safer about letting complete strangers in my place to look around.  He reluctantly said ok.  I think he thinks I live the equivalent distance Russia is from his apartment.  Or he doesn't want to be in an apartment where he can't smoke a cigarette every two minutes.  Well too freakin' bad Gavin.

Gavin going away this summer is sitting much better with me now.  There's a chance he may not stay the whole summer in Virginia.  Plus we pretty much already planned for me to come stay with him for a week and a half in June.  So that's that.  We had a couple little fights this weekend.  On Friday things were going ok for the most part--Gavin and I both got a bit drunk with his friends.  Then Gavin got a whole lot more drunk and started revealing his feelings towards me.  I hate when he says stuff like that when he's drunk, so I got mad and went home.  I never know what to believe when he does that and he forgets what he says the next day.  It kinda screws with my head.  Anyway, we talked it over Saturday night when he was sober, and then I came over his place.  Later that night a little bird  told me that a girl that hangs out in Gavin's group of friends has a crush on him.   Which I suppose wouldn't be a big deal had I not also found out she told him to dump me to be with her last weekend.   I wasn't there when she said that, but a bunch of us were all hanging out together that night.  What bothers me is that she could be friendly to me all night and then go and do something like that behind my back.  There was some other stuff that was involved that made me get mad at Gavin, but we worked it out.  But I still think the rest of it's shitty.  I've never had someone try to sabotage a relationship of mine where it wasn't either me or my significant other.  Well...that I know of.  Anyway, it bugs me.  Aside from that, I had a good time with Gavin.  I can't explain how awesome it is to have a boyfriend who's my friend too.  We're such goof balls together.  It just feels so comfortable to be with him and I don't have to walk on egg shells about anything.  Makes me feel giddy just thinking about it.

On a side note, I got an extremely low grade on my Instrumental Analysis midterm.  Guess that's what happens when you don't study.  I suck.  Now I'm going to have to study my ass off  for the final just to get a D in the course.  I can't believe I've gone from a B to a D in this course in one semester!  I wish I was a better student.  Plus I've been feeling a little discouraged about the track I chose for my major.  I could have picked either a criminology track or a toxicology track--I chose criminology.  Now everyone and their mom is telling me I should have picked toxicology for various reasons--reasons that are starting to sound pretty valid.  But I've already got my school schedule planned for my last school year, and changing to toxicology now would screw me all up.  So I have to stick with my choice...I just hope it ends up being the right one.

4*18*04

Well I had a shitty day today.  The weekend started out good.  I went out with Gavin and his friends on Friday night and had a lot of fun.  I spent most of Saturday day at Gavin's, which was also fun.  Then the plan had been for me to go back to Brooklyn and get my things together to take the train back to NJ and hang out with Katrina.  But by the time I got home and showered, I was too tired to go back to Manhattan and sit on the train for two hours.  So instead I decided to stay in Brooklyn Saturday night and not do anything...which sucked.  Today my mom was late picking me up from the train station, and then we went to a shitty  restaurant to have brunch.  Then my mom was pissed for an hour that the place was shitty and wouldn't stop talking about it.  We didn't do much else and when I got back to her house I fell asleep for three hours.  My brother drove me to the train station a half hour after I woke up and that was it.  What a waste of a day. 

On the train ride home I called Gavin to chat.  Then for some reason I asked Gavin if he was going away for the summer, to which he replied yes.  I really thought he was joking at first--but he wasn't.  Then I got really upset; upset he didn't tell me and upset that he was leaving.  He had said he didn't think it was such a big deal and was trying to live in the moment.  But I usually think of things long-term, like where is this going?  At first I just wanted to break up to save myself from getting hurt in a month when he leaves.  We decided to talk about it more when I got back to Brooklyn, which was good since I had already started crying on the train.  So over the course of the hour-or-so we didn't talk, I ran different scenarios over in my head: we could call it quits now, we could call it quits before he leaves, we could call it quits before he leaves and then get back together after the summer is over, or we could stay together and see what happens.  The last option was the most appealing, but being as pessimistic about relationships as I am, it worried me the most.  It would mean spending a whole summer seeing each other for a little bit every other week at most.  I've been through something like that before and I know how much it hurts when you can't be with the person you  want to be with.  The little time you have together seems to last a second, and it feels like someone is twisting your heart when you have to say goodbye at the end of that time.  And you have to experience that pain every time you see them...on top of constantly missing them.  Plus, who's to say that after going through all that for three months that we can pick up our relationship right where we left off when he returns?  There's no guarantees.  Not that there ever is in matters of the heart (god that sounds cheesy).  It just seemed like an awful lot of time to spend on something and have it not work.  Which I suppose I could have said the same thing of had Gavin stayed for the summer and we ended up breaking up down the line anyway.  FYI: I can't take credit for that last realization because Gavin said it. 

Anyway, so I basically predicted the end of our relationship in every scenario, even the one where we stay together and see what happens.  And it really has nothing to do with him going away.  It has to do with the insecurities and paranoia that I've had about this from the start.  Which I always have when I see someone seriously.  And it's sad.  It's sad that I'm not even 23 and I have such a negative attitude about relationships.  Me and my stupid baggage.   I just don't want to get hurt.  It scares me to even think about it.  It still hurts to think about how I was hurt in the past!  And I know that worrying about it now isn't going to make it hurt any less if it ever does happen, so why do I do this to myself?  What really kills me is that Gavin now knows how negative I am about us working out.  It kills me that that may have rubbed off on him a bit.  I don't want him to think like me.  I don't want me to think like me.  I DO want this to work.  I like Gavin so ridiculously much.  So I will try my best to put my baggage in storage.

4*15*04

I'm sick...again.  I'm sick every other week!  Katrina brought this to my attention.  I need to start taking vitamins.  I don't enjoy waking up three hours before I have to and not being able to fall back asleep because of my stuffy nose.  Well, that and my cats are so cute I had to stay up to keep petting them. 

The Pinback show was good.  They were much better than when I saw them last year.  Unfortunately I got stuck in back of some drunk idiots...as I did at their last show.  I don't get the whole concept of paying money to see a band you supposedly like and then getting wasted to watch them.  You can listen to them drunk at home.  I would think that when you see them live you'd want to remember the experience with a clear mind.  Plus it's really friggen annoying to everyone around you when you're dancing like a drunk moron and constantly bumping into them.  Don't do it man, don't do it.

Gavin and I are going to try and rent Kill Bill Vol. 1 tonight so we can see Vol. 2 tomorrow night.  I've seen the first one, but Gavin hasn't.  And of course he wants to see the first one before seeing the second one.  Smart kid.  Hmmm, we met almost a month ago.  A month in three days to be exact.  Boy, time flies.  This whole semester flew by.  I feel like the first day of the semester was a few weeks ago.  Speaking of school, I had planned on starting my internship this summer and continuing it into the fall.  But then I got to thinking about how this will be my last summer without a full-time job.  It's my last three-month summer vacation!  I don't want to spend it all working.  So I'm not going to.  I'll do the internship in the fall and spring semesters instead. 

Ew, I just sneezed and almost got snot everywhere, but my tissue caught it in time.  I love Puffs Plus.  Umm, anyway, so I've also decided with the next school year being my last (at least I hope!), I should take one course I'd actually enjoy.  So I registered for a Hitchcock class.  I'm so excited!  I've wanted to take this class for two years.   I'll most likely have seen all the movies they show, but who cares!?  It's Hitchcock!  Ok, there's a possibility I could sleep for one more hour before I have to get up at 9, so I'm gonna give it a go.

4*13*04

I'm in such an irritated state.  This morning Rachael and I were arguing about money for the apartment since she decided to move out this Sunday instead of next month.  It's all taken care of now, but it just put me in sour mood.  Plus we're crazy busy at work, so I've been working more than usual and hence seeing more of my boss than I want to which makes me want to kill him.  And I have to go back to school tomorrow which I'm not happy about.  And the apartment isn't looking as nice now that Rachael is taking all her stuff out.  So I have to drop cash on more decor to cover the bareness. Cash I don't have because of the $236 I spent on Morrissey tickets. 

On the plus side Melissa and I are going out to dinner for her birthday tomorrow, and I'm seeing Pinback afterwards. However, I know Rob will be there and possibly another ex, both of which I'd rather not see.  Warsaw is a rather big place though, so perhaps it won't be an issue.  Not that there would be any drama, I just don't like to see Rob.

This weekend I'm going to NJ to visit my mom for the first time in a month and a half.  She was complaining how she missed me today and I felt bad.  Plus I haven't seen Katrina in a while.  I'm saving the receipt for my train ticket so the insurance company of the crazy lady who totaled my car can pay for it.  Maybe if I'm crafty enough I can somehow manipulate them to pay my student loans as well.  Hmmm, I'll have to plan that one out a little more.  Grrr, I have to make a listing for my place now and I don't feel like it.  And I don't feel like going through the fucking interview process again!  It sucks.  Wanna live with me?  E-mail me!

4*12*04

My boss is away for a bit, and I haven't written in a while, so here goes.  I ended up seeing Death Cab For Cutie only once last week because I was too tired to go to the second show.  The first show was pretty good though.  I finally got to see Dima's band play Thursday night, which was fun.  Friday night I stayed in and went to bed early since I had less than 4 hours of sleep the night before.  Bah, my boss is back.  I'll sneak the rest.

So Gavin and I hung out Saturday night and all of yesterday.  I went out to brunch with him, his mom and his sister.  I felt like I was intruding on a family outing and would have come later had I known they were going to eat, but Gavin reassured me it was ok I had come.  I had a good time.  Afterwards, Gavin and I got eggs and decorated them with some kit we got.  Turns out we're not very good egg artists.  There goes that career.

The more I hang out with Gavin, the more I like him...and the more worried I become that something may go wrong.  I guess I just feel whatever grip I have on getting hurt is diminishing as my feelings for him grow.  Not that he's given me much reason to think things will go wrong.  I guess it's just past experience making me paranoid.  He was telling me all these incredibly sweet things Thursday and Saturday night...but he was drunk, so I don't how much of what he said was legit.  I think he meant some of it at the very least, in which case he's still said nicer things to me than anyone I've ever dated.  And I've always complained how people I've dated in the past never communicated their feelings with me at all. So now I have it, and on one hand I'm loving it.  On the other hand I feel like I could fall pretty hard for him--which means the possibility of another broken heart.  I'm really scared of that.  But I'm desperately trying to just take things as they come and keep the paranoia pushed far back in my head.  I really want this to work!   

4*05*04

So things are ok with Gavin and me now.  The Friday night incident was mostly due to excessive drinking.  Not that that's a good excuse, but it's better than him just not wanting to see me.  I hope it doesn't become a reoccurring problem.  Aside from that, we had a pretty great weekend together.  We watched mucho movies.  I finally got to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I loved.  Pulled on the ol' heart strings.  Then I made Gavin watch some of season 2 of Strangers With Candy.  Then we went to his friend Erik's where I made them watch more of Strangers With Candy.  Sunday we ended up lazing around Gavin's apartment all day watching TV.  Which was fine by me.  It's nice to just be able to relax with someone.  It's also nice that Gavin has the same sense of humor as me.  And a personality!  And a 3-dimensional one at that.  Amazing.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I'm seeing Death Cab For Cutie.  I'm really excited for that.  I got three tickets to see Morrissey in May and it cost way too much.  I had to use this month's rent money to pay for it.  All I'm sayin' is he better be fantastic!  I think I'm seeing Dima's band play this Friday night, and I'm seeing Pinback on the 14th.  I'm quite the scenester this month.  I'd like to do something crazy this week with it being my spring break and all.  But I don't think I'll have the time to go to New Orleans and flash my boobs for beads, so hopefully Time Out NY will have some helpful suggestions.  Speaking of which, I made a profile on the Time Out NY website about 2 months ago.  Last Wednesday I got my new TONY and was flipping through it while watching a movie.  Then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted my profile in the personals at the back of the magazine.  It figures they'd print it in the issue directly after I'm no longer single.  Bastards.  Well, on the plus side, I'm famous now.  I had to ward the fans off with my fists when I went to the movies on Saturday.  Harharhar.

Gavin showed me GI Joe PSAs that some jokester took and screwed around with and posted on the internet.  This one was the funniest.  I made him play it three times.  Hmmm, what else...Ah, I think I have almost everything taken care of with my car.  The drunk lady's insurance company finally looked at it and wrote it off as totaled.  Hopefully I'll be seeing the money from that soon.  Otherwise I don't think there's much else to tell.  Except that Gavin makes me really happy : )

4*02*04

 
Redhead Romance

3*25*04

I was just being a dork and reading a Dawn of the Dead message board on imdb.com.  It got me all pumped to see it again.  Hopefully Gavin won't have seen it by the time he gets home.  If he has I'm sure I can drag someone else to see it. Like my mom.  I'll tell her it's the feel good movie of  the year.  I bet she'd walk out on it...crying.  I've also been obsessing with Strangers with Candy recently.  I rented the first season from Netflix.  That show is brilliant.  Brilliant I tell you!  Supposedly a movie is in the works.  Should be interesting.

My cold is 90% gone.  I've missed breathing.  Hopefully drinking with Dima tomorrow night won't cause me to relapse.  I haven't hung out with him since last summer, so I'm looking forward to seeing him.  Don't know what the rest of the weekend has in store for me.  Planned on running some errands Saturday...on my bicycle.  At least my lack of a car will get me some much-needed exercise.   I couldn't run at school all week because I was feeling so ill.  As far as my car is concerned, things haven't really changed.  I can't file an insurance claim until the police get off their ass and type up my accident report.  I was on the phone talking in circles with a cop the other day and I started crying because I was so frustrated.  Then he was like, "Why are you crying!?  It's just a car!"  If I could have stuck my leg through the phone to kick him in the head, I swear I would have.  I just want this to be over.  I don't want to deal with it anymore.  I have bigger fish to fry.

Sometimes I go and read over what I've wrote in the past.  Actually I do it all the time.  Most of the time I find myself shaking my head and thinking "why did you write that?"  Sometimes, like this month, I come off as sounding so hostile.  I don't really think I'm that bad.  But really, it somewhat surprises me that people read what I write in here and still want to meet me.  I can be really crazy!  It's not really my fault though, it's society's.  You only have yourselves to blame for my problems.

3*20*04

It's 6 in the morning.  I've been up since 4:30.  I'm having difficulty getting back into my normal sleeping pattern.  Plus I have a stinkin' cold.  I guess the combination of sleep deprivation and second hand smoke inhalation at bars took its toll.  I saw Dawn of the Dead with Geoff last night.  I loved it.  It was everything I had hoped for and more.  I even managed to enjoy it despite the fact some idiot brought their crying infant to see it.  Fucking get a baby sitter.  If you can't find one or afford one, then don't leave the house with your annoying, crying infant.  It was your decision to have the thing, why should I have to suffer for your mistake?  I shouldn't!  The end of your pre-baby social life is punishment for choosing the path of parenthood.  Deal with it.  I'm so compassionate.

I don't think I'm overanalyzing things really, but I am semi-paranoid about Gavin.  I don't hide the fact that I meet people online in real life quite often.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with it because I like meeting new people.  I do not, however, meet people to make out.  Not to say that that hasn't happened.  But it's only happened a few times and in almost all cases I ended up in a relationship with the person.  And it's never happened the first time I met the person.  My point being I don't meet people just to hook up with them.   It's not my thing.  But I feel like the minute I tell someone I meet people online they think this is the case.  Just because they give me the "oh you're one of those" look.  Anyway, I was just worrying that Gavin thought he was just another online hook up for me to add to the list.  And, if I can help it, I'd rather he not be just that. 

Ok I think I'll try to go to bed again.  After I look for Rachael's Nyquil.

3*20*04

Above is what I discovered at 8 o'clock this morning when I went to retrieve my car from the parking spot I had left it at in Williamsburg.  My pretty, little Honda was in horrid, little pieces all over the road.   So I called  911and they sent over an extremely useless cop who told me what I pretty much could've figured out myself--someone had crashed into my car while it was parked.  He said all I could do was call the police station later on to see what had happened.  I remained surprisingly calm though.  I  figured there wasn't a whole hell of a lot else I could do.  As I was walking back to the subway station to return to Manhattan to take my subway back home,  it hit me that I had left my house keys in the car.  Which meant I had to first take the subway to Harlem to get Rachael's house keys from her.  I went inside a diner and called her to let her know what had happened, and then proceeded to cry in front of a bunch of strangers.  Not so much because of my car, it's just a thing.  I was more upset that it was after 8 in the morning and I hadn't slept in over 24 hours.  I was counting on my car to be where I left it to take me swiftly home to my bed.  But instead I had to go through 2 hours of subway hell and my mom giving me attitude on the phone for something that was in no way, shape or form my fault.

So after 3 hours of sleep, I called everyone I needed to talk to regarding what I need to do about my car.  I won't get into details because they're not that exciting, but basically at 5 this morning some drunk fuckhead smashed into my car, causing it to smash into the car parked in front of it.  The parked car went on top of my car and smashed my windshield.  The crash also caused my rear driver's side to be impacted into the front of the car.  So my car's fucked.  They arrested the woman who hit it, so her insurance will cover all of this...so they say.

I've been running a lot of "what if" scenarios through my head.  For instance, what if I just took the subway from my apartment into Manhattan instead of trying to save time by driving into Williamsburg and  taking the L  in?  I ended up  wasting more time on the subway than I ever have anyway.  What if I parked at the other end of the street?  What if I had just stayed home?  But then I thought, what if I had decided not to hang out with Gavin and his friends after the bars  closed?  What if  I had just gone home then?  Then there's a possibility I could have been sitting in my car when that crazy bitch hit it.  It's so strange what a difference all the seemingly insignificant things that we do in life can make.

But I don't regret going out last night at all.  And I refuse to be boggled down by "what if" scenarios because it won't change what happened.  Besides, I think hanging out with Gavin is worth a slight disruption in my normal sleeping pattern.  

3*19*04

I’m so tired. I’m at work and I feel like I could fall asleep at any moment and smack my face into the computer. And since my boss is a wiener, he’ll most likely not let me go home early. In any case, staying out late last night was definitely worth it. I had a date with a myspacester, Gavin, whom I didn’t know much about and barely talked with beforehand. He asked me to go see a 3D movie with him out of the blue last week. Ordinarily I’d probably have been hesitant, but it was a 3D movie! No one says no to 3D...unless it’s Spy Kids 3. Anyway, I didn’t really know what to expect. I had thought he’d probably be stuck up like 95% of the other people in NYC, but he wasn’t at all. He was really nice. And very sweet. After the movie, we stopped at the Remote Lounge where I proceeded to make an ass out of myself singing karaoke in front of Gavin and his friends who had joined us there. After that embarrassment, we headed to some other bar to shoot virtual deer. Gavin and I ended up kissing there. He’s a good kisser! About friggen time. So, needless to say, I had a really good time. We’re meeting tonight because he wanted to see me again before he left for Virginia for a week. AND I’m not overanalyzing anything yet! Which is really amazing for me.

3*14*04

So after I wrote that thing about CD, they im'ed me 10 minutes later to discuss it with me.  Nothing bad happened really.  Anyway, I've decided to try and write more openly...using initials.   Not really because of that, but because I want to! Deal with it.

I'm feeling a little down.  I was on myspace and I clicked on JF's profile so I could message him and ask him to see Dawn of the Dead with me on Friday.  We haven't hung out since we broke up, and I'm at the point, and I've been there for quite some time, where I feel fine just being friends with him.  Anyway, after I messaged him I realized he had a new picture up.  Upon closer observation I realized it was a picture of him lying in bed with some girl who was kissing his cheek.  And there were several other pictures of him on the same bed.  And I know it wasn't his bed.  Now I didn't expect him never to date after me, but I would have liked not to have seen that.  I didn't need to see that.  It hurt to see it.  It hurt because he had said he couldn't handle being  with someone right now because he had all this shit going on with school.  Which obviously wasn't the real issue.  It hurt because I am still single and feel as though I'll never ever meet someone on the same wavelength as me.  I'm feeling VERY pessimistic about that.  And I went through the same thing with Rob after we broke up.  He found  someone else within two months.  And he still likes them and wants to be with them if it weren't for the fact she lived in Boston.  It makes me feel so replaceable.  I feel like I'm just the stepping  stone towards the right girl.  I don't feel like I'm the kind of girl men become smitten with.  I feel...really....lonely.  Not to the point of desperation, but  I'm very frustrated and growing increasingly jaded.  When do I get to have someone fall madly in love with me and treat me the right way?  FUCKING WHEN!?  I deserve it goddamn it!  Fuck.

Sooooo, the Miss Kittin thing was fun. Rory and I danced so hard that we were extremely exhausted before 1 AM.   After Miss Kittin's set, I went up to her and told her I was so happy she came to NYC and it was lovely to hear her DJ.  She told me she'd be back in July and it'd be better.  She talked to me!  Lil ol' me.  Then Rory made up some lie to her about how he's writing his thesis on her.  He was drunk.  Friggen nut.  Rory and  I still had to kill time until 5 AM when he had to catch his train back to Philly.  But we were both so tired we didn't want to do anything.  So we ended up sitting in a bar basically just staring at each other and saying something witty every now and then.  Finally he went to Penn Station around 4 and I went home.  He called me this afternoon and told me he started crying while he was waiting for the train because he was thinking about how much he'd miss me when he moves to Los Angeles in June.   And because he was drunk.  I don't even want to think about him moving right now.  It's too tragic.  What's a fag hag without her fag? 

3*12*04

So I thought I’d stay in tonight and watch a chipper movie with the cats.  So now that I’m done watching Schindler’s List, I have mascara stains down my cheeks and my left eye stings from a mascara pool that formed in it while I was crying laying on one side.  Long movie, good though.  Anyway, by some miracle, Rory managed to get off work tomorrow night and he’s coming with me to see Miss Kittin DJ at some new place called Volume in Williamsburg.  So not even Schindler’s List can make me sad now that I know that bit of good news.

I erased everything on my computer and installed Windows XP last night.  I like my computer so much better.  Now I just wish the keys would work right.  I’m in such a good mood!  I was so down last week.  I think it may have something to do with going back on the pill after a four month hiatus.  Which may also explain why I’ve been eating non-stop lately.  Tomorrow I’m going to try and run the whole way around Prospect Park to make up for that a little bit though.  That’s 3.3 miles.  I’ve been running about 2.8 miles in 35 minutes on the treadmill at school.  So there’s a remote possibility I may be able to complete this run.  What would be even more fabulous than completing the run would be if I had my friggen Ipod!!  Those a-holes at Apple are taking forever and a day to get me my goods.  But I guess all I can do is wait. 

There’s another website I look at on occasion—at first because I liked it stylistically and wanted to steal ideas from it, but now I find myself reading the girl’s online journal.  She wrote something the other day about how she tried to live by the saying “dance like no one’s watching” when it comes to writing in her journal.  And I really admire that…mostly because I don’t feel as if I can do that.  Mainly because I’m pretty sure I’ll get shit from my friends when I write about them.  I could use initials instead of names, but I’m pretty sure they'll still know if I’m talking about them.  For example, it annoys the crap out of me when I’m talking about a computer-related issue with CD, and they always feel the need to offer me advice even though I didn’t ask for it and have the situation under control.  And I know they’re trying to be helpful, but in general I feel like most people don’t think I know anything about computers because I’m a girl and I didn’t go to school for it.  However, I’ve been working with Adobe Photoshop for at least 6 years and I think I have a pretty good handle on it.  I’m also pretty good at solving technical problems I have with my computer being that I practically spend my life on this thing.  So anyway, it bothers me when people act like they’re the computer oracle and have all the answers to all the questions I never asked.  So yeah, now CD will read that and probably get pissed.  But this is my experiment in writing like no one’s reading.  We’ll see how it goes.

3*10*04

Someone--anyone--PLEASE GO SEE MISS KITTIN WITH ME ON SATURDAY NIGHT!  I have to go.  I don't know what'll happen if I don't.  I may implode.  Why does stupid Rory have to live in stupid Philly?!  Why don't I know anyone else who loves Miss Kittin!?  Blarg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  $#$%#$@$%&

3*06*04

It's Saturday night, I should be out!  But I couldn't find anyone to go out with.  And I wasn't at the point of desperation that I'd call people I didn't really want to hang out with just to get out of the apartment.  A couple came over tonight and took my newfound kitten from me :(  For the entire beginning of the week all I heard was constant meowing coming from outside.  I'd lay awake at night listening to it and it would break my heart.  Rachael and I tried to see where it was coming from one night and saw some kittens for a second before they ran away from us.  Finally on Wednesday after class, I went on a mission to find the kitten and feed it or something so it'd stop crying.  I realized it was in my neighbor's backyard, and since I'm on friendly terms with him, I went back there to chat.  He helped me look for the kitten to no avail.  We had decided to give up when we heard it meow again.  My neighbor picked up an old, rusty pipe he had and looked through it and told me he couldn't see out the other end.  I looked through the other end and saw two glowing eyes staring back at me.  I got a box from his garage and put it at one end of the pipe, while he shook the pipe up and down until it spit out the kitten.  So I took her upstairs and fed and bathed her.  She's adorable.  And so sweet!  I named her Audrey for obvious reasons and made a page  to find prospective parents for her.  Rachael sent out an e-mail at her job to spread the word.  One couple was very enthusiastic about taking her...and they did.  They said they were just gonna come look at her tonight, but ended up wanting to take her as soon as they saw her.  And they were nice enough, so I know she's in good hands.  I'm just a little sad.  I would've kept her had no one else taken her.  I'm gonna miss you Audrey! 

Yes, I know I'm a crazy cat lady.