04*28*05 I finished my internship at the police lab today! 400 hours completed...only took me 8 months. I had a pretty good end to it all, though. I finally got to go down to ballistics in the basement. They took me into the shooting range and let me shoot a sub-machine gun and a 9mm handgun. You'd think they'd start me out with something small...but no, they started me out with the machine gun. I was so nervous I started shaking. I couldn't even aim I was shaking so much. I sorta got the hang of it after a little bit. I liked the 9mm better. I got to keep the paper target I shot for a keepsake. My roommate said we should frame it. I think maybe I will. They also showed me their library which consisted of hundreds of different types of guns. I never knew how friggen heavy most guns are. I got to hold a real old-fashioned Tommy gun. I have two plastic ones in my apartment, but they're just not the same. I saw the tank of water they shoot bullets into to look at striation marks. I made some stupid joke and asked if they ever keep fish in there. The guy thought I was serious and looked at me like I was an idiot. Why would anyone take a question like that seriously!? Sheesh. I'm gonna miss the girls I made friends with there. I know we'll see each other again though. I made them a bunch of cds and brought in donuts for them. Everyone's been so nice to me. I'm tempted to try and work there just to be able to work with them, but I know I'd still hate the actual work they do because it can be so boring. Oh well. My arm is sore from shooting for some reason. Weird. 04*26*05 I don't know why exactly, but I've been getting a slew of myspace messages the past two or three weeks. Maybe it has to do with the picture I changed to my default. I don't even think that picture is all that great, though. Maybe it's because the weather is getting warmer. Maybe there was a full moon. I don't know. In any case, of the 30 or so messages I've received, at least half of them are fucking nuts or just downright stupid. Here are some samples: *hey emily have you seen my green sneakers ? i cant find them Then I just get random messages from guys whose profiles seep testosterone through my computer screen and make me ill. I can just tell they copy and paste the same lame lines to every girl they think is remotely attractive and send it to them. I'm not knocking myspace; I've met some pretty cool people off that site. But these recent messages have been getting pretty off the wall. 04*25*05 I'm kind of torn about what to write. So I figured I'd just be as vague as possible to remedy this. I'm feeling so many mixed emotions at the moment I feel schizophrenic. I have too many extremes happening to me at once that I don't know what to do with myself. Luckily the euphonic sounds of Arcade Fire and Broadcast have been providing me with some solace. Carlos has been on my ass to get the Arcade Fire CD for at least a month. I finally did and I must say it is pretty amazing. And I guess that's all I'll say for now. 04*23*05 I've been listening to this Broadcast song all day. I love it. Now you listen! 04*21*05 It's only 10 o'clock, but I'm exhausted. I always put myself in a position where I have to work my ass off towards the end of the semester to get all my labs done in time; the rest of the semester I only work on them when I feel like it...which isn't that often. So I realize the stress I feel right now is my own fault, but that doesn't mean I can't complain about it! Thankfully spring break starts at 5 tomorrow. I had been re-thinking everything involving Chad over the weekend, and was worried that maybe the wrong decision was made. Rather than always wonder about it, I talked things over with him in the beginning of the week. It was worth it to me to just find out if perhaps it could have worked out and I had been too hasty in dismissing that possibility. But after talking with him, I realized I had lost sight of the major issue, and although I still want to be with him, nothing would change and I'd still be unhappy about that. Fucking sucks. I can't do anything about it though. My roommate said that since Chad was so much better than Gavin (that's an understatement), that maybe the trend would continue and the next guy I met would be amazing. But I don't buy into her Panglossian theory. I'd like to, but I don't. Dating can be so enervating. FYI: I just used two of my word-of-the-day words in this paragraph. But I know this somber feeling that's looming over me will dissipate. My spirits aren't completely down, anyway. Plans are in the works for Saturday. I'm going out drinking next Tuesday with some girls from the police lab. I'm going to Atlantic City with some classmates for a crime scene reconstruction conference in two weeks. Plus graduation and my birthday are around the corner. All things I'm looking forward to. And spring break of course. What would make me happiest right now, though, is going to sleep. I'm on it. 04*19*05 I'm at school. I used to love FrontPage when I had a PC, but now I'm an elitist Apple-user and I detest FrontPage. Do you hear me FrontPage?! I hate you! Anyway, I loathe that I have to spend most of this week in lab, especially since it's so nice out. But spring break starts after class on Friday, so I can suck it up until then. During spring break I plan to finish my internship, clean my apartment, fix my bike tire, run around Prospect Park as much as I can and cure cancer. I might only have time for that last one though. I have nothing noteworthy to write about at the moment. I'm just bored. 04*17*05 This long weekend's been too much for me, too long and difficult to swallow down. Actually today was a good day. I went to New Jersey in the morning and spent the day painting my friend Scott's nursery for his baby due in June. We attempted to paint clouds on the ceiling, but neither of us knew what the hell we were doing and it came out kinda shitty. Oh well, we tried. Yesterday I was in lab all day running on three hours of sleep. I wanted to die I was so tired. I guess since my friends at school know I'm almost never serious, they didn't take me seriously when I told them not to bother me. My friend Maria kept poking me in the arm and I kept telling her to stop, but she kept on poking me. So I told her if she didn't stop I was going to jab my fucking pen in her neck. Yeah...I was in a bad mood. They kinda left me alone after that. I guess I should apologize next time I see them. Meh. Some guy on myspace messaged me and asked if he could buy a pair of used underwear from me. I actually debated it because I thought he was offering $250. But then I realized he wasn't serious about that amount and decided against it. I probably wouldn't have done it even if he was serious. But that is enough money to make me consider it. It's just a piece of clothing, jeez. 04*16*05 It's five in the morning. I woke up out of a dead sleep and have been plagued with thoughts for the last hour. Chad and I decided to stop dating last night. He has issues to work through. I was more than willing to stick around while he did that, and help if I could, but I needed some things in return. Mainly any indication that he was still interested in me. But I did not get that, and last night I decided I couldn't ignore that anymore. I am the kind of person that is willing to compromise to a fault. If I really like a guy, I will do almost anything to make it work. That's usually not a good thing. I think this is among one of the first times I've actually put my needs first and decided to take action. I'm making progress I guess. I hate that it had to come to this, though. I'm not happy about it. I really, really like Chad. He was one of the nicest and most genuine guys I've dated in a while. There wasn't anything about him that made me think we couldn't work out...aside for the above mentioned. Unfortunately that one thing I did mention was a pretty big deal-breaker. My immediate emotions surrounding a break up always want to make me try to reverse the decision because I'll miss him and I feel more sad about not being with him than I did about whatever problems we had. I guess when I went over to his place tonight with intentions of calling everything off, all I really wanted was for him to give me a reason not to. But he agreed that he wasn't giving me what I needed emotionally, and furthermore that he couldn't. I guess there's no way around that. I'm just really sad I can't be a part of his life anymore. I really enjoyed being with him. I wish I could stop being sad for a few minutes right now so I could fall back asleep. I have to get up at 7 for lab. I guess I'll try this sleep business one more time. 04*14*05 I'm frustrated and irritated. Is it wrong to prefer situations that aren't left open to extremely wide interpretation? I don't think so. That was a good accidental rhyme, by the way. Good job, Emily. 04*13*05 I just got the Beach Boys' song "I Get Around" stuck in my head, and all of a sudden I had an overwhelming desire to watch Flight of the Navigator. Remember that movie? Of course you do. I must have watched it at least ten times when I was little. But maybe it's best to leave it in the past. I always get disappointed when I watch movies now that I used to like as a kid. Apparently my tastes have changed since I was six. But an interesting little fact I just discovered: Paul Reubens (Pee-wee Herman) did the voice of the spaceship in the movie. Anyway, I had another random thought on my way to Chad's last night that somewhat startled me: I'm actually going to miss college. It's so weird that I've spent four years cursing John Jay College, and counting the days until graduation. With about a month left to go I finally like my school? What's with me? Actually, I think it has a lot to do with the people I've made friends with in my major. They're a great bunch. I don't know how I'd have made it through these past two years without them. I just hope we manage to stay in touch. Chad sprained his ankle a few days ago. I knew it was pretty bad, but I had a look at it last night and it was a lot worse than I had imagined. It's black with bruises and about twice the size it should be. Poor guy. Eegads, I'm so tired! Off to bed with me. 04*11*05 It's 1:30 in the morning. I can't fall asleep. Dunno why exactly. I felt really tired when I went to bed. I don't really have a lot of thoughts going through my head keeping me up. This really sucks because I have to get up at 6:30 for my internship. I just took a melatonin pill to help me sleep. I'm still not sure if that stuff works, but I'll just update this until it does. I bought Before Sunset last week. I transcribed something Julie Delpy said because it's basically the same way I feel. I'm not always good at describing how I feel about certain things...which is why I stole someone else's words. Anyway, here it is: I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like this (snaps fingers). People just have an affair or even entire relationships...they break up and they forget. They move on like they would have changed brands of cereals. I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with...because each person had their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts too much. Even getting laid...I actually don't do that because I will miss of the person--the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. I see in them little details, so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss and will always miss. You can never replace anyone because everyone is made of such beautiful, specific details. Couldn't have said it better myself. 04*08*05 I bought Singin' In The Rain today. I absolutely LOVE that movie. I just got done watching it. My roommate made all these excuses not to watch it with me. I can't believe she's never seen it. I don't know why I take it so personally when people won't let me force movies upon them. But don't they know it's for their own good!? Jeez. I got my grade back for my Instrumental Analysis midterm yesterday. I got a 76! Most people probably wouldn't consider that a good grade. But when you take into account that I probably got the second highest grade on the test out of 66 other kids, it sounds better. And considering I think I got around a 32 when I took it last year, it's a pretty big deal I did so well this time around. Anyway, I'm happy. I have to go to bed now because I have lab in the morning, but my stupid neighbors are blasting stupid R&B. Shoot me. Or rather, shoot them.
04*05*05 I was reading an interview with Amy Sedaris in Bust magazine before. She commented on how she had to dress up professionally for a book publishing meeting, and how she basically had to pretend to be an adult. The woman is 43 and she still doesn't feel like an adult. This is something Chad and I have talked about a few times. At what point do you feel like an adult? When I was a teenager, I thought that at 23 I'd be an adult. So now I'm 23 (almost 24!) and I'm still wondering when that'll happen. Chad's 28 and he doesn't feel like adult. I guess being an adult is not age-specific. We thought maybe it had to do with the fact that we're both not settled with a particular career and still going to college. But there are people I know that have graduated college and do have steady jobs, and I still don't look at them as adults. Growing up, all the adults around me were authoritative figures (my mom, teachers, etc.). There was a significant age difference between us and we weren't really interested in the same things. In a matter of speaking, I guess I thought they were "square". So maybe that's what I've always associated adulthood with--being boring. So when I know people in their early 30s who dress hip and listen to punk, they don't fit into my preconceived notion of what an adult should act like, therefore I don't see them as adults. Not to say I don't think they're responsible people, and maybe they have careers and homes, but they're still fun. I never really knew adults like that when I was younger. Maybe I'll never feel like an adult. Actually if I mostly associate it with being completely business-oriented, stagnant and dull, then I hope I never do feel like an adult. So there! 04*04*05 It occurred to me that I have two pretty sick forensic science-related stories I've been told in the past few months that may be interesting for some people to read. This was told to my Biology class by our professor as an aside during a lecture on fertilization. My professor had once worked for the New York City Medical Examiner's office. Once they had a case that involved a little boy being raped. The father was the prime suspect, so they took an anal swab from the boy to compare it with the sperm/semen from the father. The technician examining the anal swab under a microscope noticed something very odd about the sperm. A sperm specialist of some sort was called in for a look, and said the sperm was in fact from an animal--specifically a dog. Apparently the little boy had come in from the rain; his clothes were soaked, so he took them off and threw them in the dryer. Some time during this process, the dog came up from behind him, overpowered him and raped him. I kind of just sat there with my mouth open after hearing that, so I didn't get a chance to ask the many questions I had about that story..and I'm sure anyone reading this would have. My main one being, what the fuck? The other one was told to me two Fridays ago by some cops who work in the Crime Scene Unit of the NYPD Police Lab (where I intern). Somehow we got on the topic of the grossest thing they've ever seen. It involved a 16-year-old girl giving birth at home. She didn't want the baby, so she and her mom (or boyfriend?) did the only logical thing one would do in a situation like that--they fed the baby to their pit bull. Not only did the pit bull tear the baby apart and eat most of it, but it then regurgitated most of what it ate back up. I can imagine that would be a pretty sick sight to behold. Anyway, the lesson to be learned here is don't get a dog. They will rape your children and eat your babies. 04*03*05 As Chad would say, I've got a real dick-punch of a hangover today. Opaline may charge way too much for their drinks, but they do not go light on the vodka. About a half hour after Carlos and I met up there, a married couple visiting from Chicago struck up a conversation with us. About 15 minutes after we began talking, the husband told me that he and his wife were both bi-sexual. I asked if they were swingers, and he said he didn't like to call it that, but they did see other people. I'm open to a lot of things and I try not to be too judgmental (although I usually fail miserably), but what's the point in getting married if you don't want to be with that person exclusively? Anyway, as the night went on and the drinking increased, he made a pass at me. In front of his wife. I scampered away towards Carlos and told him I needed to sit down. The husband came over to us and apologized to me for making me feel uncomfortable. I told him it was ok. But I really just wanted to remove myself from the situation altogether, so Carlos and I left. It was around 4:30 in the morning by that point anyway. Carlos told me the wife had commented that she thought I was cute. Maybe they wanted me for a ménage à trois. I was asked twice by a couple on some dating site to join them for fun and games not too long ago as well. Maybe there's some quality about me that makes me ménage à trois attractive? Doubtful. Maybe I just look young and naive. I need a large cup of coffee pronto. I have two midterms this week. I should probably start studying. This time next month it'll be warm. I can't wait. I still haven't set my clocks ahead. Chad never set his behind last year, so today he was all set. Maybe he's on to something. I mentioned a skit from The State in one of my entries last month. This month you can watch it. 04*02*05 Hmm, I dunno if it's an April Fool's joke or what, but apparently the guy I saw doing stand up a few weeks ago, Mitch Hedberg, is dead. Weird. 04*02*05 April Fool's about that last entry. Mwahahahaha! You won't be rid of me that easy, internet! At least not without an explanation anyway. I also told my mom I was moving in with Chad. I had to tell her April Fool's kinda quick about that one, though, because she started getting really pissed off at me. I didn't want her to crash her car. I had a glass of a $300 bottle of red wine last night with Chad. It was ok. I prefer $10 white wine though. I am going dancing tomorrow night. I can't wait. It's been at a month since I've danced. I took my Instrumental Analysis midterm on Thursday. I failed the class last year because of that midterm. I'm pretty confident I did ok this time around. In your face Professor Kubic! 04*01*05 I've decided to take down my website. This will be my last entry.
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