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4*29*04 Why do I continually date people who hurt me? I'm cursed. No joke. I kept telling myself to stop worrying about everything working out and start believing it will. Little did I know it was fucked from the very first week. I am sitting here in a zombie-like state of shock. This is not happening. I have never in my life had someone do something so malicious to me. All this time I kept thinking what a great person he was and how this was possibly the best relationship I've ever had. Well, it could have been except one problem--Gavin's an alcoholic who has no self control. None whatsoever. I keep thinking about all the times I've mentioned to him how I felt about people keeping secrets from one another, and what I would want him to do if a certain kind of situation were to ever arise (unbeknownst to me at the time, it already had). I also expressed my concern to him of the possibility of him getting drunk to the point where he may find himself in that situation. He confidently told me "that would never happen." Keep in mind of course that I said all of this after said situation had already occurred. Point being I gave him ample opportunities where he could have told me the truth, but he didn't. Not to say the outcome would have been much different. It's possible. But if it were the same outcome, at least I could have dealt with this sooner and not have grown so emotionally involved with him to the point where I am hurting this much now. I really want to be with him. But I can't get over this. No way. Can't trust him again. Maybe if he stopped drinking. But otherwise, no. I'm not spending every night he's out drinking with his friends, or the whole summer worrying about what he's doing while I'm not around and he's too drunk to control himself. I am SO utterly disappointed. I have such a mix of emotions running through me at the moment I feel like I'm going to explode. Angry, sad, confused, regretful, pathetically hopeful, amazed, vengeful...everything. This sucks. I don't know what else to say or do. I want to remove myself from myself and be someone else until this blows over. I don't want to deal with this. It's not fucking fair. 4*26*04 Bah! 4*25*04 I finally posted my roommate listing on Craig's List. Now I'll probably have to sift through e-mails all week and figure out who I'd get along with and schedule a time to meet them this weekend. I asked Gavin to come over during the meeting process so I feel safer about letting complete strangers in my place to look around. He reluctantly said ok. I think he thinks I live the equivalent distance Russia is from his apartment. Or he doesn't want to be in an apartment where he can't smoke a cigarette every two minutes. Well too freakin' bad Gavin. Gavin going away this summer is sitting much better with me now. There's a chance he may not stay the whole summer in Virginia. Plus we pretty much already planned for me to come stay with him for a week and a half in June. So that's that. We had a couple little fights this weekend. On Friday things were going ok for the most part--Gavin and I both got a bit drunk with his friends. Then Gavin got a whole lot more drunk and started revealing his feelings towards me. I hate when he says stuff like that when he's drunk, so I got mad and went home. I never know what to believe when he does that and he forgets what he says the next day. It kinda screws with my head. Anyway, we talked it over Saturday night when he was sober, and then I came over his place. Later that night a little bird told me that a girl that hangs out in Gavin's group of friends has a crush on him. Which I suppose wouldn't be a big deal had I not also found out she told him to dump me to be with her last weekend. I wasn't there when she said that, but a bunch of us were all hanging out together that night. What bothers me is that she could be friendly to me all night and then go and do something like that behind my back. There was some other stuff that was involved that made me get mad at Gavin, but we worked it out. But I still think the rest of it's shitty. I've never had someone try to sabotage a relationship of mine where it wasn't either me or my significant other. Well...that I know of. Anyway, it bugs me. Aside from that, I had a good time with Gavin. I can't explain how awesome it is to have a boyfriend who's my friend too. We're such goof balls together. It just feels so comfortable to be with him and I don't have to walk on egg shells about anything. Makes me feel giddy just thinking about it. On a side note, I got an extremely low grade on my Instrumental Analysis midterm. Guess that's what happens when you don't study. I suck. Now I'm going to have to study my ass off for the final just to get a D in the course. I can't believe I've gone from a B to a D in this course in one semester! I wish I was a better student. Plus I've been feeling a little discouraged about the track I chose for my major. I could have picked either a criminology track or a toxicology track--I chose criminology. Now everyone and their mom is telling me I should have picked toxicology for various reasons--reasons that are starting to sound pretty valid. But I've already got my school schedule planned for my last school year, and changing to toxicology now would screw me all up. So I have to stick with my choice...I just hope it ends up being the right one. 4*18*04 Well I had a shitty day today. The weekend started out good. I went out with Gavin and his friends on Friday night and had a lot of fun. I spent most of Saturday day at Gavin's, which was also fun. Then the plan had been for me to go back to Brooklyn and get my things together to take the train back to NJ and hang out with Katrina. But by the time I got home and showered, I was too tired to go back to Manhattan and sit on the train for two hours. So instead I decided to stay in Brooklyn Saturday night and not do anything...which sucked. Today my mom was late picking me up from the train station, and then we went to a shitty restaurant to have brunch. Then my mom was pissed for an hour that the place was shitty and wouldn't stop talking about it. We didn't do much else and when I got back to her house I fell asleep for three hours. My brother drove me to the train station a half hour after I woke up and that was it. What a waste of a day. On the train ride home I called Gavin to chat. Then for some reason I asked Gavin if he was going away for the summer, to which he replied yes. I really thought he was joking at first--but he wasn't. Then I got really upset; upset he didn't tell me and upset that he was leaving. He had said he didn't think it was such a big deal and was trying to live in the moment. But I usually think of things long-term, like where is this going? At first I just wanted to break up to save myself from getting hurt in a month when he leaves. We decided to talk about it more when I got back to Brooklyn, which was good since I had already started crying on the train. So over the course of the hour-or-so we didn't talk, I ran different scenarios over in my head: we could call it quits now, we could call it quits before he leaves, we could call it quits before he leaves and then get back together after the summer is over, or we could stay together and see what happens. The last option was the most appealing, but being as pessimistic about relationships as I am, it worried me the most. It would mean spending a whole summer seeing each other for a little bit every other week at most. I've been through something like that before and I know how much it hurts when you can't be with the person you want to be with. The little time you have together seems to last a second, and it feels like someone is twisting your heart when you have to say goodbye at the end of that time. And you have to experience that pain every time you see them...on top of constantly missing them. Plus, who's to say that after going through all that for three months that we can pick up our relationship right where we left off when he returns? There's no guarantees. Not that there ever is in matters of the heart (god that sounds cheesy). It just seemed like an awful lot of time to spend on something and have it not work. Which I suppose I could have said the same thing of had Gavin stayed for the summer and we ended up breaking up down the line anyway. FYI: I can't take credit for that last realization because Gavin said it. Anyway, so I basically predicted the end of our relationship in every scenario, even the one where we stay together and see what happens. And it really has nothing to do with him going away. It has to do with the insecurities and paranoia that I've had about this from the start. Which I always have when I see someone seriously. And it's sad. It's sad that I'm not even 23 and I have such a negative attitude about relationships. Me and my stupid baggage. I just don't want to get hurt. It scares me to even think about it. It still hurts to think about how I was hurt in the past! And I know that worrying about it now isn't going to make it hurt any less if it ever does happen, so why do I do this to myself? What really kills me is that Gavin now knows how negative I am about us working out. It kills me that that may have rubbed off on him a bit. I don't want him to think like me. I don't want me to think like me. I DO want this to work. I like Gavin so ridiculously much. So I will try my best to put my baggage in storage. 4*15*04 I'm sick...again. I'm sick every other week! Katrina brought this to my attention. I need to start taking vitamins. I don't enjoy waking up three hours before I have to and not being able to fall back asleep because of my stuffy nose. Well, that and my cats are so cute I had to stay up to keep petting them. The Pinback show was good. They were much better than when I saw them last year. Unfortunately I got stuck in back of some drunk idiots...as I did at their last show. I don't get the whole concept of paying money to see a band you supposedly like and then getting wasted to watch them. You can listen to them drunk at home. I would think that when you see them live you'd want to remember the experience with a clear mind. Plus it's really friggen annoying to everyone around you when you're dancing like a drunk moron and constantly bumping into them. Don't do it man, don't do it. Gavin and I are going to try and rent Kill Bill Vol. 1 tonight so we can see Vol. 2 tomorrow night. I've seen the first one, but Gavin hasn't. And of course he wants to see the first one before seeing the second one. Smart kid. Hmmm, we met almost a month ago. A month in three days to be exact. Boy, time flies. This whole semester flew by. I feel like the first day of the semester was a few weeks ago. Speaking of school, I had planned on starting my internship this summer and continuing it into the fall. But then I got to thinking about how this will be my last summer without a full-time job. It's my last three-month summer vacation! I don't want to spend it all working. So I'm not going to. I'll do the internship in the fall and spring semesters instead. Ew, I just sneezed and almost got snot everywhere, but my tissue caught it in time. I love Puffs Plus. Umm, anyway, so I've also decided with the next school year being my last (at least I hope!), I should take one course I'd actually enjoy. So I registered for a Hitchcock class. I'm so excited! I've wanted to take this class for two years. I'll most likely have seen all the movies they show, but who cares!? It's Hitchcock! Ok, there's a possibility I could sleep for one more hour before I have to get up at 9, so I'm gonna give it a go. 4*13*04 I'm in such an irritated state. This morning Rachael and I were arguing about money for the apartment since she decided to move out this Sunday instead of next month. It's all taken care of now, but it just put me in sour mood. Plus we're crazy busy at work, so I've been working more than usual and hence seeing more of my boss than I want to which makes me want to kill him. And I have to go back to school tomorrow which I'm not happy about. And the apartment isn't looking as nice now that Rachael is taking all her stuff out. So I have to drop cash on more decor to cover the bareness. Cash I don't have because of the $236 I spent on Morrissey tickets. On the plus side Melissa and I are going out to dinner for her birthday tomorrow, and I'm seeing Pinback afterwards. However, I know Rob will be there and possibly another ex, both of which I'd rather not see. Warsaw is a rather big place though, so perhaps it won't be an issue. Not that there would be any drama, I just don't like to see Rob. This weekend I'm going to NJ to visit my mom for the first time in a month and a half. She was complaining how she missed me today and I felt bad. Plus I haven't seen Katrina in a while. I'm saving the receipt for my train ticket so the insurance company of the crazy lady who totaled my car can pay for it. Maybe if I'm crafty enough I can somehow manipulate them to pay my student loans as well. Hmmm, I'll have to plan that one out a little more. Grrr, I have to make a listing for my place now and I don't feel like it. And I don't feel like going through the fucking interview process again! It sucks. Wanna live with me? E-mail me! 4*12*04 My boss is away for a bit, and I haven't written in a while, so here goes. I ended up seeing Death Cab For Cutie only once last week because I was too tired to go to the second show. The first show was pretty good though. I finally got to see Dima's band play Thursday night, which was fun. Friday night I stayed in and went to bed early since I had less than 4 hours of sleep the night before. Bah, my boss is back. I'll sneak the rest. So Gavin and I hung out Saturday night and all of yesterday. I went out to brunch with him, his mom and his sister. I felt like I was intruding on a family outing and would have come later had I known they were going to eat, but Gavin reassured me it was ok I had come. I had a good time. Afterwards, Gavin and I got eggs and decorated them with some kit we got. Turns out we're not very good egg artists. There goes that career. The more I hang out with Gavin, the more I like him...and the more worried I become that something may go wrong. I guess I just feel whatever grip I have on getting hurt is diminishing as my feelings for him grow. Not that he's given me much reason to think things will go wrong. I guess it's just past experience making me paranoid. He was telling me all these incredibly sweet things Thursday and Saturday night...but he was drunk, so I don't how much of what he said was legit. I think he meant some of it at the very least, in which case he's still said nicer things to me than anyone I've ever dated. And I've always complained how people I've dated in the past never communicated their feelings with me at all. So now I have it, and on one hand I'm loving it. On the other hand I feel like I could fall pretty hard for him--which means the possibility of another broken heart. I'm really scared of that. But I'm desperately trying to just take things as they come and keep the paranoia pushed far back in my head. I really want this to work! 4*05*04 So things are ok with Gavin and me now. The Friday night incident was mostly due to excessive drinking. Not that that's a good excuse, but it's better than him just not wanting to see me. I hope it doesn't become a reoccurring problem. Aside from that, we had a pretty great weekend together. We watched mucho movies. I finally got to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I loved. Pulled on the ol' heart strings. Then I made Gavin watch some of season 2 of Strangers With Candy. Then we went to his friend Erik's where I made them watch more of Strangers With Candy. Sunday we ended up lazing around Gavin's apartment all day watching TV. Which was fine by me. It's nice to just be able to relax with someone. It's also nice that Gavin has the same sense of humor as me. And a personality! And a 3-dimensional one at that. Amazing. Tomorrow and Wednesday I'm seeing Death Cab For Cutie. I'm really excited for that. I got three tickets to see Morrissey in May and it cost way too much. I had to use this month's rent money to pay for it. All I'm sayin' is he better be fantastic! I think I'm seeing Dima's band play this Friday night, and I'm seeing Pinback on the 14th. I'm quite the scenester this month. I'd like to do something crazy this week with it being my spring break and all. But I don't think I'll have the time to go to New Orleans and flash my boobs for beads, so hopefully Time Out NY will have some helpful suggestions. Speaking of which, I made a profile on the Time Out NY website about 2 months ago. Last Wednesday I got my new TONY and was flipping through it while watching a movie. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted my profile in the personals at the back of the magazine. It figures they'd print it in the issue directly after I'm no longer single. Bastards. Well, on the plus side, I'm famous now. I had to ward the fans off with my fists when I went to the movies on Saturday. Harharhar. Gavin showed me GI Joe PSAs that some jokester took and screwed around with and posted on the internet. This one was the funniest. I made him play it three times. Hmmm, what else...Ah, I think I have almost everything taken care of with my car. The drunk lady's insurance company finally looked at it and wrote it off as totaled. Hopefully I'll be seeing the money from that soon. Otherwise I don't think there's much else to tell. Except that Gavin makes me really happy : ) 4*02*04 I've been in a relationship for less than a week and I've already been dicked over. Do ya think that's a bad sign? Call me crazy, but I don't think it's a good one. I think this is some kind of record. Something like this doesn't usually happen for at least another week. Hmmm, so either this is a one-time thing and we'll come out better for it in the end with a valuable lesson learned, or it's a sign of things to come. What I want for it to be and what I pretty much know in my gut it is are two different things. Perhaps we rushed into things, I don't know. All I do know is that I wasn't the one who asked for the relationship and yet now I'm being treated as if I'm the burdensome girlfriend who prevents her boyfriend from hangin' with the guys. Which was hardly the case. Whatever, go drink 20 gallons of beer with your friends and watch them rail 20 pounds of coke...makes no difference to me as long as you don't make plans with me first! This is retarded! I tried to look nice and everything tonight, too. What a waste.
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