6*30*04-later

Okay, false alarm there with that last entry.  Thank god.  I was losing it.

I miss Gavin like crazy.  He e-mailed me today.  He still doesn't know exactly when he's coming back.  I thought it would be sometime this weekend, but it's looking more like the beginning of next week.  I hate not knowing.

Anyway, I'm sittin' here with a head full of dye--black and red like last time.  I wanted to wait until my roommate got home to help me section my hair into two halves to dye, but it's almost midnight and she's still not back, so I decided to do it myself.  I'm a little worried because the red dye usually comes with two tubes of color in the box and this time it only came with one.  And I thought about checking to see if both of them were in there when I bought the box because I usually do, but for no reason I decided against it.  Figures the one time I don't check it's not there.  Well, I hope my hair doesn't come out some crazy color red.  Time will tell.  A half hour to be exact.

6*30*04

I feel a storm brewing.   Perhaps the last three months of my life have all been a kind of quiet storm.  Now I'm in the eye of it all and the worst is yet to come.  Nothing is definite as of yet.  But believe you me, when I know for sure, I will be prepared.

I spoke with an old friend from high school last night.  Such a nice guy.   He's majoring in biomedical photography.  Sounds really interesting.  He's  really into his major as well.  I told him how I'm so disillusioned with school and don't really do that well because of it.  He said that's too bad.  It is too bad.  I wish  I could get into it again.  I wish I had the ambition I had in high school.   I wish I could stop  thinking about what I mentioned in the first paragraph!  I've been up since 6 fucking 30 in the morning because of this shit! 

6*27*04

I came home from Philly early.  Rory and I got into a fight.  I had fun with him Friday night when I got there, and I had fun Saturday afternoon shopping around.  Saturday night however, I was somewhat tired to begin with, and we just couldn't find any clubs that were playing good music.  We went to at least four in search of music that we could dance to, but no luck.  At one of the places we went to, some girl stepped on the top part of my foot (which was bare) with her high heel.  That hurt a lot.  Finally 2 AM rolled around and I didn't even feel like dancing by that point.  So I told Rory I kinda just felt like going back to his place.  The night was a complete bust.  I was a little down in the dumps about that.  Anyway, Rory was a bit drunk and called some friends; one friend he apologized to for fighting with them the day before and told him that he loved him yadda yadda....Then he spoke with his other "friend" whom he'd been trash-talking about all day to me, and started trash-talking to her about the boy he just apologized to.  It really bothered me.  I hate when people are catty like that.  It was really phony of Rory and I called him on it.  I didn't think he was like that, at least not that bad anyway.  We started to argue about it, but I was a little drunk and very tired, and already having a bad night, so I didn't want to discuss it anymore.  This morning we didn't mention it and just lazed around for a few hours.  Then I saw that he had taken a bunch of pictures of himself giving me the finger on my camera last night while I was sleeping, so I got a little mad.  He was a complete asshole about it, and we started fighting about the whole incident from last night again.  Then he just resorted to name-calling, which was really immature and lame.  I was getting some of my stuff together, not necessarily to leave, but he said, "I hope you're getting your stuff together because you're leaving."  So I said of course.  And I left.

I don't like fake people.  It's not a quality I find endearing.  I don't collect friends for the sake of having them.  I try to surround myself with people whose personalities I love and share the same ideals as me.  It's taken me a long time to weed out the people in my life that ended up being bad friends.  And I won't hesitate to do it to the people whom I now call my friends if they prove me wrong about who I thought they were.  Not to say that I am no longer friends with Rory, we just had a fight.  But I don't like that path that he is headed in, and I don't know what's going to happen to us.

Other stuff: Carlos is taking me out for my belated birthday tomorrow night.  Tuesday night I'm going out to dinner with my roommate.  Wednesday or Thursday night I may try to hang out with Chris.  Then I hope Gavin will come back sometime this weekend.  I'm not sure when just yet.  I want to tackle him and smother him with kisses when I see him.  Not seeing him for this long is difficult, but not being able to at least talk to him is even more difficult.  I really hope he can stay in NYC for a few days.  If not I'll just hang out with him in PENN station until he has to go.  That'd suck, but it's something I guess.  Everything I've been analyzing about our relationship is blinded by one thing--I miss Gavin.  And I feel more strongly about that than all the other stuff at this moment. 

6*25*04

I hate my job!  I'm so bored.  I want to punch my boss in the face.  I've checked my e-mail every ten minutes all day.  It's gotten to the point where even junk mail is exciting because then I get to push the Empty junk mail button.  Yippee. 

After work I'm heading home to pack for Philly.  Then I'm off to get a good dose of fag for a weekend.  I can't wait. 

All this time apart from Gavin makes me do nothing but analyze everything.  It's annoying.  I've been losing sleep over it.  I'm tired.  I'd write about what exactly I've been analyzing if I hadn't already done that in my secret journal.  If you're clever enough to find it, and actually care, then you can read all about it.  Um, ok, I have nothing else to write about.

6*23*04

If you didn't see the picture page from my last entry, look at it now!  I just did one of my roommate's work out tapes.  I kept yelling at the TV because the instructor was trying to get me to do things my body just wasn't ready to do.  Lil bitch.  Gavin called me last night around 8:30.  It was around 3:30 in the morning where he was.  I'm so glad he called.  When Gavin left for Virginia, I knew I'd be going up there to spend 11 days with him.  I had something to look forward to.  Now I might see him for just a few days when he gets back from Croatia, and then he'll go back to Virginia.  Then maybe we'll see each other for a few more days before the month is over.  Otherwise, the next chunk of time we'll probably spend together won't be until he moves back.  And fucking school starts right around the same time.  This sucks.

I keep thinking about how much I enjoyed my time in Virginia with Gavin.  How much I liked going to bed and waking up with him at my side.  And just enjoying each other's company every night.  It'll probably never be like that again.  The circumstances surrounding my 11-day visit will probably never arise again.  I keep running moments of my time there over in my head like some sappy romance montage at the end of a movie with something like Take My Breath Away playing in the background.  I can be so overly dramatic.  I just wish that things could always be as perfect between he and I when we're with his friends as it is when we're alone together.  Then we'd have no problems.

I'm glad I'm going to Philly this weekend.  I need to get my mind off Gavin.    

6*21*04

I just read an e-mail Gavin sent me from Croatia.   Everything seems to be going well, but his flight over was awful.  I'm crossing my fingers that his flight back is going into NYC and not DC, and if that's the case, he'll be able to stay over  for a few days. 

Anyway, so my weekend with Katrina was really fun.  We went out to dinner Saturday night and went to a few bars later on.  I wanted to show her Lit just for the hell of it and she liked it a lot, so we stayed until closing.  We danced up a storm.  I don't know why, but the foreign guys there kept trying to dance dirty with us.  I don't mind dancing with people, but I don't like when they try to touch me.  I guess guys are a lot more forward about that stuff in other countries.  Then some guy was shooting the shit with me and happened to ask me if I "ski".  Being as naive about the drug scene as I am, I replied, "No, but I've gone snowboarding before."  Heehee.  He then explained it was a metaphor and he wasn't talking about "that kind of snow".  So I told him I don't do cocaine and ran away.  How dare he try to corrupt my innocence!  Katrina and I both got comments on how we danced really well, so that made me feel good.  I wonder if I could dance like that with Gavin there.  I might be too embarrassed.  Otherwise I don't give a crap what I look like. 

Sunday afternoon we went to a street fair in Park Slope and I bought a few cute things.  The weather was so beautiful all weekend, so it was really nice to be outside enjoying it.  Sunday night we went to the Beauty Bar and Lit again.  I got a  bit drunk and have the sniffles now.  Poor me. 

Since Friday night I am the proud owner of a digital camera, so expect to see a whole lot more pictures on here.   I also went a little bit crazy CD shopping.  If you don't have the new  Modest Mouse CD, go get it.  I'm listening to it right now.  I love it!  And you must too!  Picture time.

6*18*04

I've decided to make another journal. But I'm not telling anyone where it is. Mostly because I can't write what I really want to write in here because all my friends and people I date read it. I'll still write in here as more of an update to what's going on in my life, but I'll use the other one to write about how I feel.

But until then: I'm having huge conflicts with my relationship with Gavin. On one hand, when he and I are alone together he's everything that I could ever ask for in a boyfriend and I'm friggen crazy about him. But when we are with his friends, he always has to drink to the point where he gets really fucked up (not to mention I'm not too keen on the whole cokehead hipster scene). I actually think I might not care as much about Gavin's excessive drinking if he was a better drunk. But he's not. When he gets drunk he gets out of control; he's loud, belligerent, self-destructive, sloppy and embarrassing. So I suppose the simple solution would be just not to hang out with him when he hangs out with his friends. But then I'm missing out on a huge chunk of time with him. Plus all I do is worry about whether he'll do something to hurt himself or cheat on me. I really liked being able to hang out with him and his friends, as well as with just him, instead of having to keep the two separate. I just don't know if I can do that anymore. And I know this will lead to huge problems once Gavin moves back to NYC since he likes to spend his weekend nights with his friends.

The other problem: I've never dated someone and not liked their friends.  This is a first for me.  I really tried to like them.  I hung out with them practically every weekend for two months.  I tried to be ok with their coke habit so I could be with Gavin.  But I am not ok with their coke habit.  All of which I could probably still ignore if I didn't also feel they were detrimental to Gavin.  Not that they're to blame for his drinking, but they certainly don't help.  If I tried to, or had someone else inflict pain on myself while drunk and my friends didn't try to stop me, I don't think I could call them friends.  And I just can't ignore it when they take advantage of Gavin's kindness of letting them live in his apartment over the summer by trashing it.  I know Gavin is quick to forgive and forget about it all, but I can't say I care about him and then be okay with what they did. 

To put it in perspective, it's like when Gavin cheated on me and I told Melissa.  She hated him for it even after I forgave him.  She cares about me as a friend and knew how much it hurt me when he did that, and therefore finds it difficult to try to like him.  While I wish she didn't dislike him, I can totally understand why she does and won't push the matter further.  However, Gavin gets angry at me for not liking his friends and being angry with them for some of the things they've done.  It's not like I'm fishing for things about them not to like!  I tried for two months to be ok with them!  And then somehow everything gets twisted into me making him choose between his friends and me, which I have never and would never ask of him.  It's all fucked up.  I don't know what to do anymore.

6*17*04

I'm at work waiting for 6 o'clock to roll around. Forty-five minutes to go. I hate being here. I wish I was still in Virginia with Gavin. With the exception of one big fight, I had a great time. Going to sleep alone in my bed last night was so depressing. I didn't think I'd like my first taste of living with someone so much. I never got sick of him or anything like that. We fooled around all the time, watched movies together, cuddled and were just silly with each other.  We spent Monday in Washington D.C. sight-seeing. I finally got to see giant Lincoln in his giant chair. Unfortunately I wore painful shoes and was hurting the entire time we were walking. I don't know why I always do that when I know I'm going to be walking a lot.

Anyway, now I'm home and Gavin is leaving for Croatia tomorrow morning. He took a bus back to NYC with me last night since his flight tomorrow is out of NYC. I'm having dinner with him after work and then we won't see each other until sometime in early July. Even though I spent the last 11 days with him, I'm still really devastated about him going away.  I won't even really be able to talk to him while he's away either. It's all so awful.

On the plus side I have plans for the next two weekends. Katrina is visiting this weekend and I'm going to Philly next weekend to visit Rory. I haven't seen either of them in a while so I'm really excited about that. Also, I have a plethora of new DVDs to watch now that Gavin bought me the Universal Monsters Coffin Box Set.

Ok, gotta go wake my boss up : (

6*05*04

I've come to wish me an unhappy birthday.  And to say farewell to my journal and New York City for 11 days.  I'll write when I come back...unless Gavin has Frontpage. 

Bye.

6*02*04

Check out my archive section; I changed the format when I had off on Monday.  I think it's pretty...if your screen resolution is over 800x600.  I should change a lot of stuff on this site.  A lot of it is outdated, like the music section.  I don't even want that part there anymore.  But I don't really know what to replace it with.  I just got distracted from writing this for an hour.  I have this problem when I start talking to my roommate--I can't stop.  Chatty McKathy over here.

Anyway, almost 2 more days and I'll be with Gavin : )  I'm really excited.  I've been so busy all week trying to get stuff situated before I leave.  I feel like I really need this break from the city.  I need time off from school-related thoughts, work, my cats, money troubles, commuting, drama....  I was thinking about it today, and I realized this week and half with Gavin will be the longest consecutive amount of time I've ever spent with someone I've dated.  Previously the longest time was a weekend; that's only a fourth of the time I'll be with Gavin.  Crazy!  Obviously I can't wait to see him, but I'm also intrigued to see how this goes.  Basically it'll be the closest experience I'll ever have to living with a significant other.  And I pretty much always thought that would end in murder or worse.

Tomorrow I'm getting a pedicure with Melissa after work.  She's treating for my birthday.  I haven't seen Melissa do anything that feminine since she was forced to wear a skirt to our high school graduation.  I can't wait.  I think we're going to dinner afterwards, too.  Friday night will just consist of ironing and packing.  I'm trying not to pack everything I own, but it's difficult.  I don't want to chance going to Virginia and then suddenly having the desire to finally wear the blue high heels I bought two years ago and still haven't worn out.  The horror!  When I went to Las Vegas for the weekend, I packed so much stuff I nearly went over the 50 pound limit at the airport.  But that weekend was all about dressing up, so it was a little different. 

In other not-so-cheerful news, I failed Instrumental Analysis.  I have never failed a class in my life.  I am not pleased.  I must re-take that awful course with that awful teacher next spring.  Whatever happens, I need to graduate next May.  I can't handle being in school anymore.  I hate it.  And if graduating in May becomes an impossibility for whatever reason, I will take a year off of school and then finish school.  Ack, I don't even want to think about this anymore.  It's making me crazy.  From now on I'm thinking only happy thoughts until I come back to NYC on the 16th.  My main happy thought, which I've had for almost two weeks, is kissing Gavin the second I get off the bus Saturday afternoon.
 

This girl is a nerd, get me outta here